Directed by: Stephen Sommers
Format: DVD
DVD Features: Explore Dracula’s Castle, bloopers, making of features, “You Are In The Movie”, legend of Van Helsing, commentaries, trailers, DVD rom, Xbox game
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, David Wenham, Richard Roxburgh
(**nominated for The Gummi Awards: Best Geek Sidekick**)
Dracula, ever since his creation by Bram Stoker in 1897, has been considered the lord of vampires. If Stoker had gotten royalties for every time his Count has been depicted in film alone (not to mention comics, television and cereal boxes), he’d have been very wealthy indeed. Dracula is the oldest, most feared and most powerful in vampire lore. However, just as Holmes had his Moriarty and Kahn had his Captain Kirk, Dracula has his arch nemesis in Van Helsing. Almost all of the films based upon Stoker’s novel feature Van Helsing in one regard or another. Sommers chooses to turn the ancient protagonist into an action hero, with just about as many weapons as Batman.
In the beginning of this movie, it appears that maybe the wrong disc is playing. A hunchbacked lab assistant throws a giant switch and amidst flying sparks and arching electricity, a mad scientist cries, “It’s aliiiiiiive!!” Um...Dr. Frankenstein? But, just as your hand reaches for the remote control, Dracula appears in the lab. It seems that The Count has ordered this monster’s creation and has come to collect him. But, his plans are thwarted by a white-haired undertaker and a torch wielding mob. Frankenstein and his monster disappear in a blazing windmill inferno.
One year later, we find Gabriel Van Helsing (the first name is another deviation from the novel) in hot pursuit of the beast known as Mr. Hyde. After an entertaining battle, chock full of spinning blades and pretty good CGI, Van Helsing vanquishes the villain and heads back to headquarters. It appears that our hero is a hit man, hired by The Vatican to rid the world of ghouls and ancient evils. He is in search of a past he can’t remember and the order believes that his next assignment might lead him to some answers. He and his sidekick, a friar named Carl, are sent to Transylvania to rescue the last remaining members of the Valerious family, who all look as though they’ve leapt from the cover of a trashy romance novel. Naturally, he falls for the only lady in town that’s not a vampire, Anna Valerious, and the two of them endeavor to find out what Dracula could possibly want with a young werewolf and the Frankenstein monster.
There are so many problems with the movie Van Helsing, that I hardly know where to begin. Should I start with the exceptionally poor dialogue, delivered through thin and inconsistent accents? Should I complain about the clumsy sentimentality, inserted into the film with awkward and pathetic timing? What about the extraordinarily tired male/female power struggle, (i.e. lame flirting) between Van Helsing and Anna? Someone forgot to tell Sommers that bats don’t lay eggs and that absinthe isn’t customarily drunk straight from the bottle. But, why should I dwell on those minor faults when I could easily point out that the half-assed “puzzle” that Carl takes so long to solve is about as challenging as going fishing with dynamite? I could wonder for a bit about Dracula’s weird, gas masked minions or even ponder why, when Carl and Van Helsing bust into a church, Carl is so concerned about breaking commandments when he’s already used the line, “I’m just a friar” to excuse himself from swearing and getting laid. Oh, and don’t forget that Dracula does more prancing about than his three “brides” who are hardly more than a trio of screeching boob displays. Why doesn’t Van Helsing, legendary vampire hunter, know fact one about vampires and how did he suddenly become the archangel Gabriel?????????
Whew. Now that I’ve unloaded those remarks like so many poorly aimed arrows from Van Helsing’s semi-automatic crossbow (the guy couldn’t hit the broad side of Transylvanian castle), let’s see if there’s anything good to be gleaned from the experience. If the movie Van Helsing has any saving graces, it’s the spectacular CGI and efforts of a few actors.
Hugh Jackman, while lovely to watch, is basically just Wolverine all over again (were-Wolverine?) and doesn’t make much of a leap in range here. Kate Beckinsale, who plays Anna, has just as much eye candy to offer as Jackman does, but little else. Would it be too much to ask for a heroine who could care less about the leading man and wears less than a D cup? I could see Jackman and Beckinsale performing much better if they actually had good material to work with. The best actor by far in this film is Shuler Hensley, who plays Frankenstein’s monster and even he seems to struggle against the horrific script.
The movie’s best feature - hands down – is its beautiful CGI. The Jekyll/Hyde battle is grossly entertaining and nicely choreographed. All of the transformation scenes in the film, whether they were Dracula, his brides’ or the werewolves’, were seamless. It’s too bad that it takes much more than badass visuals to make a movie. Had there been any good dialogue, consistency, or thought put into the mix, Van Helsing would have been bearable to watch more than once.
Overall Rating: 2
Hottie Rating: 4 (Um...shirtless male bondage? Hello!)
Alternate recommendation: Underworld
Official site
IMDB Page
Slate Review
***Note: If you found this review via IMDB, please let us know by leaving a comment. Thanks!***
No comments:
Post a Comment