News!

Warner Bros. has announced that it will begin a "burn-to-order" program for many of their films that have not been released on DVD. Here's a link to the news article with some details. You can see Warner's list of archive titles here.

In other news, GP is about to move again, which should be a semi-permanent location. As soon as we're all settled in, things around the site should get rolling again. We would dearly love to finish up the Gummi Award announcements, but there's one hurdle left before that can happen. You see, it's been virtually impossible for us to get ahold of a copy of Drop Dead Fred! Searches at Blockbuster and Hollywood Video have come up short and Netflix refuses to ship it for some reason. It's in our queue, but it never mails out. If you think you can help, or if you have a copy we can borrow, please leave your info in the comments - they will not be published.

Thanks!

Academy Awards Report 2009

Believe it or not, Gummi Popcorn has not died. It's only been lurking in the shadows for a bit. Due to a massive upheaval of lifestyle and relocations and other drama, it's been rudely shoved to the back burner until the dust settles (which will hopefully be soon!). Rest assured though, new blood will eventually return to inflate the oh-so-critical veins of this here website and the sarcasm and snark will fly once again. So, just to prove we haven't been sleeping (and in case you have been), here's the GP recap of last night's award ceremony.

This year, our host was Hugh Jackman. While it's always difficult not to drool like a maniac when Hugh is in sight, I did feel a little embarrassed for him. It seems that someone at The Academy thought it would be cute to have Wolverhottie prance around and do a few musical numbers. I guess it's a case of Hollywood being jealous of Jackman's time on Broadway. It's not that the man is a terrible singer, but the numbers were poorly planned and even more badly choreographed. Is this The Academy Awards or Saturday Night Live? Have a little class for chrissakes. Even poor Hugh looked like he was thinking of shooting his agent.

Despite a loud, rude and obnoxious crowd at the Oscar party I went to, I miraculously managed to hear snippets of who won what and which hot little hands golden statues went into. Sadly, I haven't managed to get to the theater for most of the nominees this year and Slumdog was at the top of my "must see" list, along with The Wrestler. Predictably, Slumdog Millionaire swept the scene - much like it did at the Golden Globes - and walked away with a total of eight awards (Best Picture, Directing, Music (song & score), Editing, Sound Mixing, Cinematography, and Adapted Screenplay). I love to see small foreign films win big in general. It shows that the industry has an appreciation for culture. What I don't love, is hearing "Thank you, come again" every time someone with an Indian accent stepped up to the podium. That joke was old, I dunno, at least 10 years ago. The same racist jackasses making that comment last night were spreading rumors that Bollywood was moving to Detroit, or some such nonsense. I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that statement.

Equally as predictable as the winner of Best Picture, was the winner of Best Supporting Actor; Heath Ledger. While I don't mean to belittle the man's acting skills, it seems that the quickest way to an Academy Award these days is through the grave. Movies like The Dark Knight almost never make it to the awards, just because of the genre. Ledger was great as The Joker, but had he still been alive, there's no way he would have the Oscar for it. The award for Best Actor was achieved by Sean Penn for his role in Milk. His acceptance speech was, by far, the best one of the night. He managed to touch on the gay rights issue, Barak Obama, and get his point across without being long-winded or preachy. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I agreed with everything he said.

The winner for Best Supporting Actress was Penelope Cruz for her role in Vicky Christina Barcelona, which I haven't seen and have no idea if she deserves. Her speech was tearful and heartfelt and it always chokes me up when the award winners seem sincere. I will have to add VCB to my list of must sees. Best Actress in a Leading Role went to Kate Winslet for The Reader. The actress was nearly hyperventilating and who can blame her?

For both the Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role, winners from years past appeared on stage to introduce this year's nominees. It was a nice touch. Two of these presenters were Brodie and DeNiro - two of my ultimate faves!

Of course, one can't discuss The Academy Awards without discussing fashion to some extent. The guys always look the same. It's just suit after suit after suit year after year. I'd love for one actor to wear a kilt or an outfit in any other color than black. I'd settle for charcoal grey even! Snore. The ladies are who everyone focuses on anyhow. What was with the alarming trend of wearing one's drapes as a gown? Jessica Biel had perhaps the most hideous display of this disturbing fashion, but Mary Hart, Heidi Klum, Tilda Swinton and a handful of no-name girlfriends pitched in to. My personal favorite, as far as classy gowns go, was Kate Winslet's dress. It was original, but not tacky.

So, despite being intensely irritated by the company I had during the ceremony, the awards went smoothly. There weren't any horribly flubbed lines, political incorrectness and scandalous wardrobe malfunctions. I went home sober and popped The Fountain into my DVD player, just to get some more Hugh Jackman in before bedtime.

Gummi Award Results: Most Offensive Example of Animal Testing/Cruelty

Category number nine ("number nine, number nine") in the Gummi Awards was for the movie that displayed the most offensive scenes of animal torture, abuse and otherwise cruel behavior. My original thought was that the 1971 film The Andromeda Strain, with its writhing rat and monkey test subjects, was a solid candidate for the prize. The nominations sent in from our readers were:

Atonement
Cannibal Holocaust
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I assume that Carrie's nomination for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was a joke (right, Carrie?). The horse shooting scene in Atonement was unpleasant, of course, but not more than momentary and the creatures do not suffer long. The movie Cannibal Holocaust warns the viewer no less than three times at the outset that it contains scenes of extreme violence and that no editing was performed for the sake of protecting the creators' first amendment rights. "While the production company does not condone such actions, blah blah blah." Several animals in the movie are severely mutilated and tortured to death. It's real and it's sickening. So, the winner of this category's award goes to Carrie for Cannibal Holocaust. I can only hope the people who made this film are all long gone from this Earth.

Gummi Awards Results: Most Abrupt and/or Confusing Ending

The fifteenth category open to Gummi Award nominations was the one for Most Abrupt and/or Confusing ending. A couple of fantastic films were on the list, making this the most worthwhile category from our perspective. However, out of the three, we didn't find any of them to have a particularly baffling conclusion. American Gangster was solid piece of work by Ridley Scott. Maybe the friendship at the end was unexpected? Gone Baby Gone was also a decent flick. It conjures up some moral dilemma, but isn't remarkably truncated. Maybe what's mind-boggling is that Ben Affleck can actually direct? The only iffy resolution to be found among the three plot lines was the one in Premonition. It's a natural pitfall of stories dealing with time travel or precognition - the paradox. If so-and-so sees the future, does said future become inevitable or flexible? Premonition, even though it's not the best made film ever, wraps itself around the paradox rather well. But, out of the three, we decided that Anastocia's nomination was the most suited to this category. Congrats Anastocia! You win for Premonition!

Gummi Awards Results: Best Geek Sidekick

Now, it's time to announce the winner of the third category of The Gummi Awards - Best Geek Sidekick. The three nominations were True Lies, Van Helsing and National Treasure. While I'd originally imagined Bleeker (played by Michael Cera) from Juno as a pretty good geeky sidekick, I realize now that he didn't exactly qualify. The label "geek", after all, implies some specialized knowledge of electronics or gadgets or, at the very least, specialized knowledge of some subject above and beyond the normal level. I totally [heart] geeky guys!! To my great joy, someone out there found a fantastic example of geekery in Justin Bartha's portrayal of geek sidekick Riley Poole in National Treasure. That someone, and winner of the large bag prize, is Thanh! Thanks for giving me a new boyfriend (if only in my perverted fantasies).

Gummi Awards Results: Dumbest Blonde

The fourth category in The Gummi Awards is for the Dumbest Blonde in a film. Now, despite all the platinum in Hollywood, this category ended up with no more than two nominations. This award wasn't waiting around for a pre-concieved winner to appear either. So, no large bag prize was waiting in the wings this time. It's interesting that the woman nominated as the dumbest blonde in Best In Show (Jennifer Coolidge) also plays a supporting role in the other nomination, Legally Blonde. Although the seemingly obvious choice for this category would be the latter, we have to realize that Reese Witherspoon's character gets into Harvard law school completely under her own steam. She doesn't have her rich daddy buy her way in, she doesn't offer up a B.J. to the dean and she doesn't fake her credentials. Considering that gaining admission to said institution isn't something most women accomplish (blonde or otherwise), we can hardly consider Elle Wood "dumb". So, the winner in this category is Carrie for Best in Show (even though there's an even dumber blonde than Coolidge in the movie)!

Gummi Awards Results: Most Creative Ending Credit Sequence

I always appreciate when movie makers take into consideration how boring the average individual finds the white-on-black scroll of the ending credits. Instead, it too can be used as another creative outlet, adding a special element to leave the audience with as they saunter out of the theater. Jackie Chan, for example, uses the end credits as a chance to show his famous outtakes. When creating this category, I did have one specific film in mind. By far, the most thoroughly entertaining end credits I've seen come at the conclusion of A Series of Unfortunate Events, animated by Jamie Caliri. Given the choice between the two nominees (Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Monsters, Inc.), however, the hands-down winner is Kris with Monsters, Inc. (watch)! Congrats Kris!

Gummi Award Results: Most Inappropriate Musical Sequence

Skipping to number fourteen, there were two and only two nominations for Most Inappropriate Musical Sequence - This category wasn't one that I'd previously held a favorite for. It was suggested by a friend of mine and, considering how awkward I usually find musical numbers, I thought it would be an excellent category. Out of the two, I have to choose the one that was most out of place - Richard's selection; Almost Famous. While I loathed the majority of the singing in Sweeney Todd, it was expected to hear everyone break out in song.

Gummi Award Results: Most Accurate Book-To-Movie Adaptation

Half of the winners have been announced so far and Christmas is creeping ever closer. The thirteenth in the series of Gummi Awards will go to the movie with the Most Accurate Book-To-Movie Adaptation. This category required GP not only to view movies, but also to read the written works they were based on. Thank God nobody nominated Crime and Punishment!! There have to be hundreds of movies based on books or short stories. Only three of them made their way to this category's nomination list. The nominees were:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Mist
Perfume

There was the possibility, this time, of winning a large bag prize and if anyone had guessed Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, they would have won it. Terry Gilliam did such a wonderful job of translating Hunter S. Thompson's book for the screen that it's possible to read along with the film! Dialog is word-for-word. However, Patrick Suskind wrote a novel about a man who's olfactory sense was much more acute than his sense of compassion; his sense of humanity. Tom Tykwer had the task of creating a visual sense of smell. Not an easy task, to be sure. The director pulls off this feat, however, and made a very clever film out of Perfume. So, it's Carrie as the winner of the medium bag prize for her nomination. Congrats Carrie!!

Gummi Award Results: Most Crazy-Cool Carpet Design

Now for Gummi Award number 10, for the Most Crazy-Cool Carpet Design! We were beginning to get nervous, thinking that nobody else notices the carpets in movies. Are we strange? There was absolutely, definitely a certain film flooring in mind when this category was created. Did anyone guess? The nominees were:

Beetle Juice
The Devil's Advocate
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Shining

The movie that we were thinking of was....(drum roll)......Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas!! When you're tripping hard in the City of Sin, geometric squiggly patterns are horribly distracting. So, there was no large bag winner this round. However, there is a winner for the medium bag and that winner is.......Michelle for The Shining!! Congrats!!!

Gummi Award Results: Best Scene Involving Food

Number eight in The Gummi Awards, the category for Best Scene Involving Food, garnered only two nominations. Perhaps having human flesh removed from the menu ruined everyone's appetite for competition? There are a number of fantastic films that involve eating and many that focus entirely on the subject, such as Tampopo, Like Water for Chocolate and Ratatouille. Then there are A Christmas Story, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and American Pie that have memorable edibles. However, choosing between the two nominees, I must lean to the more visually appealing of the two films and choose Carrie's nomination - Pan's Labyrinth (a.k.a. El Laberinto del fauno)- for the medium bag prize.

Gummi Award Results: Most Awkward Moment

Category number seven of The Gummi Awards was the movie with the Most Awkward Moment. This one was originally intended to glorify the film with the most uncomfortable scene for the characters, rather than the viewer. However, upon closer inspection of the posted description, it appears that intention isn't immediately clear. Our bad. Here's what made our readers squirm:

History of Violence
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Slums of Beverly Hills

Personally, I find "69" to be horribly uncomfortable, but my personal life isn't the issue here! The medium bag prize for the best nomination in the Most Awkward Moment category goes to Michelle for Slums of Beverly Hills!! Yay Michelle!!! There's hardly a moment more embarrassing than being surprised by your dad while dancing to Give Up the Funk and swinging a giant vibrator around.

Gummi Award Results: Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles

The sixth pit stop in a race around the world was...oops....I mean the sixth category in the 2008 Gummi Awards was Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles. The five nominees in this oh-so-fun-to-judge category were:

Two for the Money
300
Top Gun
Thelma & Louise
Into the Blue

I have to nod my head at all of the nominees. All had acceptable tummy action. However, when considering drool-factor and the sheer number of glistening abs on display, one stands above all others. The winner of the medium bag prize is Rochelle with 300!

Gummi Award Results: Best Use of Dialog In a Single Scene

The fifth category (yes, I realize this isn't in order) of The 2008 Gummi Awards was Best Use of Dialog in a Single Scene. This was the only category that closed early, mainly because of the great turnout when it came to nominations. Best Dialog was definitely the most popular category. There were so many fantastic nominations, but none of them hit the mark for my personal favorite. For exceptional character banter, I would have accepted any Quentin Tarantino film for the large bag prize. The man has a way with words. As it was though, I had a very difficult time picking out a single deserving winner. The monologues from The Libertine and V for Vendetta were well crafted. I especially enjoyed the scene in V when the main character introduced himself, using virtually every V word in the dictionary. There was one nomination, however, that holds a special place in my heart (and is truly a dialog). For the medium bag prize in this category, the winner is Carrie with The Princess Bride!

Congrats Carrie!!

Gummi Award Results: Most Nauseating Vomit Scene

Today's prize will be awarded to the individual who made the best nomination in the Most Nauseating Vomit Scene category. Just two nominations made their way to Gummi Popcorn for this one. Beerfest, sadly, was disqualified because there was no vomit scene to be found in the actual film. GP could find nothing nauseating in the special features either. None of the readers out there managed to guess the film we had in mind when creating this category. Curious? The Most Nauseating Vomit Scene that we recall ever seeing is the endless pool of puppet barf in Team America: World Police. (are you slapping your foreheads now?) Watch, if you dare. So the winner of the medium bag prize by default (not that it wasn't a good suggestion anyway) is Michelle with The Exorcist!

Gummi Award Results: Most Overrated Leading Actor

Finally, the results are in! We've decided to release the answers "advent-calendar style" and announce one category each day until Christmas. It's our way of saying, "Happy Holidays" or maybe just our way of slow torture. Regardless, today's category is Most Overrated Leading Actor. The nominees were:

Tom Cruise
Russell Crowe
George Clooney

Amazingly, out of all of the leading men out there, only three names made their way to GP. The shocker is that someone managed to guess who it was that I had in mind when I invented this category!!! The winner of the large bag prize for this category is.....Thanh with Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise is unappealing, arrogant, short and a Scientologist (not to mention lacking skillz)!! I'd be more than happy if he never made another film. And by way of illustration, here's an MSN article about our loser...ooops, I meant winner.

Make sure to check in tomorrow to discover our next winner!

Casino Royale (2006)

Directed by: Martin Campbell
Format: On Demand
Starring: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Judy Dench, Giancarlo Giannini
trailer

I used to adore 007. The first six Connery movies have always been my favorites, but I imagine that I've seen the Roger Moore films several times over as well. When GoldenEye, with Pierce Brosnan, was released, I was excited for the genre to continue. However, I quickly grew tired of the franchise after that. The formula had gotten stale and I just wasn't enough of a die-hard Bond fan to stick around. So, I let Die Another Day, The World is Not Enough and Tomorrow Never Dies slip by practically unnoticed. (In fact, I still haven't seen those three.) I also admit to never having read anything by Ian Fleming, the novelist who created the character. So, although I've seen the majority of James Bond films, I can't hardly call myself a dyed-in-the-wool "fan". A new friend of mine, however, is and convinced me to give Daniel Craig a shot in the famous role.

If the movies had been made in the same order as the books, Casino Royale would have been the first. When the film opens, Bond doesn't even have his "double-O" status yet. When he gets it, he doesn't waste any time following rules. His first mission ends in a dead bomb maker and an explosion that sends an embassy in Uganda up in flames. Then, 007 proceeds to break into M's house, which doesn't make her terribly happy either. But, she seems more concerned about the fact that the bomb maker they were hoping would lead to a major arms dealer is now dead. James isn't flustered. He picks up on the trail again in The Bahamas and eventually follows it to a high-stakes poker game in Montenegro. His goal there will be to beat international terrorism's favorite banker, Le Chiffre, in a game of Texas Hold 'Em. If he loses, Le Chiffre gets away and the British government will have made a 10 million dollar donation to terror.

Casino Royale is set apart from all other Bond movies. Not only has the lead actor changed, but several previously common elements are missing. There are no flirtatious exchanges with Money Penney, for example. She's not even in the film. Also absent is the character Q and his gadgets. Bond's car had a very useful glove box, but there's no fancy introduction and no John Cleese. Both are ingredients I'd always enjoyed before, but was willing to let go - however reluctantly - in favor of fresh footage. Also noticeable is the greatly reduced presence of cheesy one-liners and sexual innuendo. A fond farewell to that!

What isn't missing in this newer film is action. If possible, it's even more amped up than before. One of the very first scenes involved Bond chasing a man through a construction site. I had to pause and re-watch it just to make sure I didn't miss anything. The stunts are fantastic and there's hardly any time at all to catch one's breath. It's almost super-human the way Marvin Campbell (stunt double for Sebastian Foucan) bounces around the set. Mad props to the stunt team! Another staple of the genre, namely beautiful women with unusual names, has also held its ground. This time, however, Bond uncharacteristically falls for one of them.

So, how is Daniel Craig as the new Bond? While I've never really found Craig to be an attractive man, I have to admit that he's got a marble figure in Casino Royale. He's a rougher version of the character; hard core and not afraid to get dirty. At the same time, he also manages the suave side of Bond quite convincingly. The gritty edge that Craig lends to the role is very appealing and refreshing. I was not disappointed. While Sean Connery will always have a special place in my heart, I have to call Craig a close second. James' love interest this time is Vesper Lynd, an accountant played by Eva Green. Green is a more elegant, intelligent "Bond-girl" than most and is strikingly lovely sans makeup. A witty match for Bond, I nonetheless never felt she was entirely trustworthy. The asthma afflicted, bloody-eyed La Chiffre owes his excellent portrayal to chisel-jawed Mads Mikkelsen. While not as dramatically intense as many previous villains, La Chiffre makes up for it in cold, calculating insanity. While the character himself could have used a few more examples of evilness (probably not a a real word), Mikkelsen made my skin crawl.

I whole-heartedly recommend this version (yes, there are others) of Casino Royale to anyone who's become jaded when it comes to movies about British agents with a license to kill. The opening credits kick some serious ass as well, accompanied by Chris Cornell's "You Know My Name". I enjoyed this film so much that I watched it again immediately after the first time. I just hate that Bond's signature card game - Baccarat - is eliminated in favor of Texas Hold 'Em; a game that's a little too "redneck" for my taste. It looks like I'm going to have to see Quantum of Solace now - despite the awful title - since it's the conclusion to this movie. That's right, Casino Royale is also the first 007 two-parter.

Overall Rating: 4 stars
Hottie Rating: 4 stars (Holy chiseled bod, Batman!)

Alternate Recommendation: Dr. No
Official Site
IMDB Page
A Nutshell Review review

Christmas Evil (1980)

a.k.a. You Better Watch Out
Directed by: Lewis Jackson
Format: On Demand
Starring: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Peter Neuman, Joe Jamrog
clip

Christmas is such a major event, celebrated internationally, that it's no surprise the holiday has developed its own sub-genre in the film world. Most of us are familiar with the seasonal classics, like A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life. Those titles were made for the holiday and, like pumpkin pie, are usually enjoyed only once a year. There is an abundance of Christmas comedies, possibly because the time of year is so closely associated with cheer and joy. Bad Santa, Fred Claus and the upcoming Four Christmases immediately spring to mind. Christmas drama also abounds with titles like A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street and The Nativity Story. However, there is a lesser-known category; the Christmas horror. Being a person who tends to lean toward the darker side of everything anyway, my two current holiday favorites are The Nightmare Before Christmas (big surprise there) and Gremlins (it is to a Christmas movie!). That being said, it surprises me that I haven't seen much more of what the industry has to offer in the way of sugarplum nightmares. Last night, in an attempt to rectify this deficiency, I took a chance on Christmas Evil.

When Harry Stadling was a child, he witnessed his mom and Santa having a little "naughty time" under the Christmas tree. For some reason, it scarred the boy, causing him to be obsessed with the holiday. The middle-aged Harry sleeps in a Santa suit, hums holiday tunes and even works at a toy factory. He spends his off-time spying on the neighborhood children and logging their activities in his volumes of "naughty and nice" records. Not surprisingly, Harry isn't a popular kind of guy. People at work take advantage of him and he's increasingly irritated at the world for failing to grasp the true spirit of his favorite holiday. This year, he's finally had enough. He decides to don a white beard, paint a sleigh on his van and distribute some justice.

Brandon Maggart plays the older, disturbed main character and it's hard to say whether or not he's really a bad guy. Sure, he's a murderer and a weirdo, but as the filmmakers are fond of pointing out, maybe what society really needs is the fear of Santa to remind them to behave. Besides, kids seem to love the guy. I still wouldn't want to sit on his lap. Considering that Christmas Evil is practically a one-man show, Maggart carries it pretty well. He succeeds in being supremely creepy but not entirely loathsome. Harry's older brother Philip is really terrible. He's terrible because his character is such a jerk and terrible because Jeffrey DeMunn does such a poor job in the role. Philip is even less likable than the villain.

There isn't enough room here to describe all of the aspects of this movie that make no sense at all. The most puzzling of which, being why Harry's childhood peeping caused him to become a crazy, red-suited killer. I suspect there's a possible Oedipus Complex happening here, but that's a little bit of a stretch. In one odd scene, Harry has crept into the bushes surrounding one naughty child's house. He covers his face and hands in black mud and presses them up against the siding, leaving imprints. Later, the camera pans back to those same black marks, but why? Is it just so that we all know who's house we're looking at? Sorry Jackson, but you lost me here. In another bizarre moment, the young Harry, Philip and their mother are watching Harry's father climb down the chimney and stuff stockings. The three observers are sitting silently on the staircase, cast in strange lighting and not speaking. Was this supposed to be scary?

The entire 100 minutes of Christmas Evil is just uncomfortable; like being molested by a dirty old uncle. There's something totally creepy and uneasy about the whole situation. Nevermind that the movie is obviously low-budget (which isn't always a bad thing) and the plot and acting are weak. The lighting is wacky and the sets and wardrobe stink of moldy 70's stylings. Most of the story is unexplained and what little gore there is lacks inspiration. It's hard to tell whether the audience is meant to hate the main character or root for him or whether any part of this movie should be taken seriously. The only way I'd consent to watching Christmas Evil again is if it was part of an MST3K episode. Not a good result of my first foray into the Christmas horror sub-genre.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Gremlins
Official Site (the best I could do)
IMDB Page
DVD In My Pants review

Into the Blue (2005)

Directed by: John Stockwell
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, commentary, screen tests, deleted scenes, star interviews
Starring: Jessica Alba, Paul Walker, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin
extra long trailer

***This movie has been nominated for a Gummi Award in the Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles category.**

Ah, the ocean. The wide open sea. The boundless horizon of waves and adventure. The bounty of life teeming just below its surface...The myriad of terrifying ways to die...the lack of oxygen...the raging storms..the minuscule jellyfish that can cause days of incredible pain... Yeah, the ocean? Not so much fun for me. The ocean is something that demands respect and if you forget that for a moment, that's the moment she kills you. Nothing short of a bottle full of Valium and a million dollars will ever get me on a boat. While I'm content to view its amazing glory from shore and play cautiously in the surf, there are millions of people who make their living on ships.

In fact, the heroes of Into the Blue hardly spend a moment on dry land. Jared is a diver and amateur treasure hunter who dreams of the big score. His girlfriend, Sam, studies sharks (or maybe just works at Sea World) and is perfectly content with the humble life they lead. Enter Jared's buddy and cocky young lawyer, Bryce. Bryce has his newly acquired young whor..I mean "girlfriend" in tow and the pair have flown in to vacation in the Bahamas. The four borrow a yacht from one of Bryce's clients and go out for a dive. While poking around in the sand, Jared and Sam find some clues that could lead them to a major discovery. The trouble is, the group also finds an airplane wreck and it's full of cocaine. Trying to keep the buried treasure to themselves until they can acquire the equipment to dig it up and stake their claim could be difficult. Nobody looses a cargo plane full of blow and neglects to go looking for it.

So, naturally the plot here leaves much to be desired. Poor Jared is so down and out that he can't afford a ship of his own or any treasure hunting equipment. However, I wonder where this twenty-something guy got the dough to be living in the Bahamas in the first place. Plus, he's dating Jessica Alba so it's a little hard to feel sorry for him. His former boss and gold seeking rival, played by Josh Brolin, appears whenever it's important to egg on the main characters, but is he really making money digging up sunken artifacts? I realize that The Bahamas are just a small group of islands, but I didn't realize that it's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody else. In Into the Blue, the whole scenario wraps up as neatly as a Guy Ritchie flick, but without all the style and class. Awfully convenient but terribly uninspired.

The acting is tolerable on the part of Alba and Paul Walker (who plays Jared), but everyone else, including Brolin, sink to the watery depths of forgetful performances. There are only two real reasons why this movie was made. Reason one: to show off Jessica Alba's nearly naked body. The girl is undeniably hot, but in this film, she's almost skeletal. As a vegetarian, I never thought I'd say this, but girlfriend needs a Big Mac. Besides, how many shots of her ass can they fit into one movie anyway? The second reason, and the only thing that redeems this crappy movie, is the beautiful underwater cinematography. It far outshines any other aspect of this movie. If only they could cut out the scenes of the mediocre gangsters, snore-inducing plot and empty air tank gauges and just show the spectacular fish and crystal blue heaven, I might actually be willing to watch Into the Blue a second time.

The verdict? This movie sucks and not just because I'm a confirmed landlubber. Hell, Jaws, The Abyss and Pirates of the Caribbean all get the "thumbs up" from yours truly (I guess you don't have to wait for those reviews). I was all prepared to nod approvingly at the movie's fair depiction of sharks too, and then Mr. Seven Rows of Teeth took a chunk out of someone. Sigh. This was one of those movies that I saw the trailer for and thought, "Not gonna see that one". But then someone (thank you Kris) had to go and nominate it for a Gummi Award!

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: The Abyss
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Village Voice review

Links: Swagology

While seeking inspiration and curious about movie promo items, we wandered the webs and stumbled upon this little gem. It's The Onion A.V. Club's article featuring some of the swag the team has received from various studios. Highly amusing and head-tilt inducing.