Into the Blue (2005)

Directed by: John Stockwell
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, commentary, screen tests, deleted scenes, star interviews
Starring: Jessica Alba, Paul Walker, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin
extra long trailer

***This movie has been nominated for a Gummi Award in the Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles category.**

Ah, the ocean. The wide open sea. The boundless horizon of waves and adventure. The bounty of life teeming just below its surface...The myriad of terrifying ways to die...the lack of oxygen...the raging storms..the minuscule jellyfish that can cause days of incredible pain... Yeah, the ocean? Not so much fun for me. The ocean is something that demands respect and if you forget that for a moment, that's the moment she kills you. Nothing short of a bottle full of Valium and a million dollars will ever get me on a boat. While I'm content to view its amazing glory from shore and play cautiously in the surf, there are millions of people who make their living on ships.

In fact, the heroes of Into the Blue hardly spend a moment on dry land. Jared is a diver and amateur treasure hunter who dreams of the big score. His girlfriend, Sam, studies sharks (or maybe just works at Sea World) and is perfectly content with the humble life they lead. Enter Jared's buddy and cocky young lawyer, Bryce. Bryce has his newly acquired young whor..I mean "girlfriend" in tow and the pair have flown in to vacation in the Bahamas. The four borrow a yacht from one of Bryce's clients and go out for a dive. While poking around in the sand, Jared and Sam find some clues that could lead them to a major discovery. The trouble is, the group also finds an airplane wreck and it's full of cocaine. Trying to keep the buried treasure to themselves until they can acquire the equipment to dig it up and stake their claim could be difficult. Nobody looses a cargo plane full of blow and neglects to go looking for it.

So, naturally the plot here leaves much to be desired. Poor Jared is so down and out that he can't afford a ship of his own or any treasure hunting equipment. However, I wonder where this twenty-something guy got the dough to be living in the Bahamas in the first place. Plus, he's dating Jessica Alba so it's a little hard to feel sorry for him. His former boss and gold seeking rival, played by Josh Brolin, appears whenever it's important to egg on the main characters, but is he really making money digging up sunken artifacts? I realize that The Bahamas are just a small group of islands, but I didn't realize that it's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody else. In Into the Blue, the whole scenario wraps up as neatly as a Guy Ritchie flick, but without all the style and class. Awfully convenient but terribly uninspired.

The acting is tolerable on the part of Alba and Paul Walker (who plays Jared), but everyone else, including Brolin, sink to the watery depths of forgetful performances. There are only two real reasons why this movie was made. Reason one: to show off Jessica Alba's nearly naked body. The girl is undeniably hot, but in this film, she's almost skeletal. As a vegetarian, I never thought I'd say this, but girlfriend needs a Big Mac. Besides, how many shots of her ass can they fit into one movie anyway? The second reason, and the only thing that redeems this crappy movie, is the beautiful underwater cinematography. It far outshines any other aspect of this movie. If only they could cut out the scenes of the mediocre gangsters, snore-inducing plot and empty air tank gauges and just show the spectacular fish and crystal blue heaven, I might actually be willing to watch Into the Blue a second time.

The verdict? This movie sucks and not just because I'm a confirmed landlubber. Hell, Jaws, The Abyss and Pirates of the Caribbean all get the "thumbs up" from yours truly (I guess you don't have to wait for those reviews). I was all prepared to nod approvingly at the movie's fair depiction of sharks too, and then Mr. Seven Rows of Teeth took a chunk out of someone. Sigh. This was one of those movies that I saw the trailer for and thought, "Not gonna see that one". But then someone (thank you Kris) had to go and nominate it for a Gummi Award!

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: The Abyss
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Village Voice review

Iron Man (2008)

Directed by: Jon Favreau
Format: On Demand
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jeff Bridges, Terrence Howard, Gwyneth Paltrow
Trailer

Good prospects seem to hit the movie theaters in waves. For a while, the sea of offerings lap dully at the shore of mediocraty. Then, a string of features with enticing trailers swells up and drenches the box offices. Again, the wave dies down and it's back to chick flicks and Will Ferrell comedies. Trouble is, I'm a poor surfer. I either get so wrapped up in the rest of life that I forget to make it to a show or I end up waiting on the same jerk who keeps promising to take me to the theater and never follows through. When I have money, there's nothing playing and when I'm broke the latest Scorsese or Wes Anderson flick comes out. Murphy's Law of movie going? Perhaps. Consider also the fact that I can hardly stand to spend my evening rushing to make a screen time only to be viciously wallet-raped at the ticket counter and then have the best parts ruined by some inconsiderate anus with a cell phone. Sigh. The fact that I missed watching Robert Downey Jr. zip around the big screen in a material representation of a Black Sabbath song is entirely due to the aforementioned jerk and my reluctance to give up on him. When will I learn?

Tony Stark is a millionaire playboy of the Bruce Wayne variety. He also happens to be an engineering genius. The corporation he inherited, Stark Industries, profits by conceptualizing and manufacturing arms. In an interview with a Vouge Magazine reporter (Sure, like Vouge is any kind of reputable news source.), he makes clear his apathetic and cynical views on heading a company that enables soldiers to blow each other up. In Filmland, a comment like that is sure to land you in Just Dessertsville, and so it does.

Stark is headed back from a demonstration of his newest missile, when his Hummer is attacked and its accompanying troops slaughtered. When he regains consiousness, he finds himself in the clutches of Raza (Faran Tahir), leader of some type of desert-dwelling tribesmen bent on destruction (shall we assume Al Quaeda here?). Guess who's weapons the bad guys are armed with? Guess what Raza wants Tony to make? And so, with the aid of fellow captive Yinsen (Shaun Toub), he builds a robotic suit of armor instead. Thus, Iron Man is born. Upon returning to civilization, Tony Stark announces that he's had a change of heart. He says his company will no longer be producing weapons, which of course, sends his business partner, Obadiah Stane (Bridges) into cardiac arrest.

While I've long been aware of the Iron Man comic's existence, I can't claim the ability to judge how the movie adaptation measures up. So, someone more qualified than I will have to chime in (hint, hint). What I can say is that the movie is chock-full of eye candy. Whether it's Downey's bulging (dare I say..."throbbing"?) deltoids (..yummy..) or wicked-bad CGI, Iron Man doesn't disappoint on the asthetic front. The effects are truly top-notch and if the film has no further redeeming qualities, it's almost worth it for this aspect alone.

The acting is pretty solid all around. I've got a serious crush on Robert Downey Jr. (gee, could you tell?) for some mysterious reason. Nonetheless, I wouldn't be afraid to admit if he'd done a lousy job. I think he was a great choice for Iron Man; he's fun to watch. What really impressed me was that the techies who drew up the costume CGI managed to capture the character's body language. Jeff Bridges, however, always makes me suspicious. I'm not sure if that speaks to his acting skills, or typecasting. In this case, my suspicions were justified. I could have sworn that Terrence Howard was the guy from Scrubs (turns out that's Donald Faison), but the guy is a lousy best friend. When Tony calls up his buddy Turk Dr. Christopher Turk (oh, now I see why I was confused) to show him the new toy he's working on, Howard's character just tells him that he needs to rest and think about producing more weapons of mass destruction. Some pal. The film's answer to Bond's Money Penny is Ms. Pepper Potts. Paltrow, as the sultry secretary/love interest, slinks around the screen in a wardrobe that Carrie Bradshaw would be envious of. She doesn't honestly do much, except bitch when Stark gets all ethical on her. But, she sure looks good doing it. It's not Gwyn's fault really; her character was written as an ornament. The only horrible acting was Shaun Toub (the bad guy) who was nearly as terrible as Dominic Purcell in Blade Trinity (or anything else for that matter).

Iron Man was marginally better than I had expected it to be. I've almost had enough of the comic-to-movie genre. But, Downey's performance was great as a jerk turned hero genius scientist and the CGI was eye-popping. I was pleased to see no time wasted on obligitory love scenes or weak comeback lines. The movie isn't, by far, any Oscar winning goldmine here, but it is a solid, entertaining piece of cinema. Go ahead and rent this baby and have yourself a good time. In many ways, Iron Man is what Hancock should have been.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 3 3/4

Alternate Recommendation: The Maxx
Official Site
IMDB Page
353 Haiku review

I Am Legend (2007)

Directed by: Francis Lawrence
Format: Theater
Starring: Will Smith, Alice Braga, Willow Smith, Salli Richardson, Abby

I Am Legend was one of the few films of 2007 that had its release date marked on my calendar. Everyone I knew was as eager to see it as I was. What made this movie so anticipated? Was it star power? Was it the theme? Was the trailer especially clever? For me, I think it was all three. Funny; even before I saw it, I kept saying that the film reminded me of an old Charlton Heston movie. Come to find out, the movie The Omega Man (1971) was adapted from the same novel - I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. There was apparently a third movie, The Last Man on Earth (which I haven’t seen) that also used the novel as a foundation. So, if nothing else, it seems I have a new book to add to my list.

Watch any of the TV spots for I Am Legend and you’ll get the basic gist of the movie. Robert Neville (Smith) is the last remaining human in New York City and, as far as he knows, the world. His only companion is Sam (Abby), a German Shepherd. Together they go through their daily routine; exercise, gathering food and trying to contact other survivors. As is typical of many other films in the genre, the rest of the population has contracted a virus which has turned them into inhuman monsters. These beasts only come out at night however, which is when Neville and Sam barricade themselves indoors. When he’s not simply trying to survive, Neville works on a cure for the virus that he himself is immune to, hoping to bring back some of the populous.

Some of the CGI in I Am Legend is a bit hokey. The deer and some of the monsters don’t move very convincingly. On the other hand, seeing Times Square deserted and overgrown with weeds was eerie enough. The zombie creatures definitely look like they came out of a video game. Granted, it’s harder to tell these days with graphics improving in leaps and bounds. Even though the city is empty and all the cars in the streets, save one, are stationary, it doesn’t seem to be a completely miserable environment. I’d be willing to bet that a sizeable number of New Yorkers might prefer the streets all to themselves.

I really believe that Will Smith is a terrific movie actor. He’s had the misfortune to be involved in a few stinkers (Wild Wild West), but even DeNiro has his bad days. From the first movie I saw him in, Six Degrees of Separation, it became apparent that Smith had skills beyond that of his musical career. I Am Legend is another movie he can count as a successful performance. It’s difficult for one actor to carry an entire movie on his own in the first place. Smith does it and makes it look easy. Abby did a great job too!

I’m the kind of person who wakes up everyday and hopes that a zombie apocalypse has occurred while I was sleeping. So, the idea of being the only human left isn’t particularly terrifying. But, I do think that the sorrow and solitude of losing human companions would eventually corrode the mind, as it does with Neville – to a degree. I enjoyed the idea of the last survivor as a scientist, trying to cure the disease. It was a different twist I haven’t seen often in the zombie genre. My only real complaint with I Am Legend is the ending. It seemed unnecessary and that lack of necessity cheapened what might have been a heroic finish.

Overall Rating: 3 ½
Hottie Rating: 3 (Smith doing pull-ups)

Alternate recommendation: The Omega Man
Official site
IMDB page
James Berardinelli’s review

***Note: If you found this review via IMDB, please let us know by leaving a comment. Thanks!***

The Ice Harvest (2005)

Director: Harold Ramis
Format: DVD
DVD Features: alternate endings, featurettes, commentary, outtakes
Starring: John Cusack, Billy Bob Thornton, Connie Nielsen
Trailer

As I looked over the description on the sleeve of The Ice Harvest, my heart sank a little when I read the words “…Harold Ramis’s outlandish holiday thriller.” Outlandish can be alright sometimes. Thriller is usually a good bet. But, holiday?! You see, I’m not fond of holiday movies at all, not when “holiday” means Christmas. Seeing as how I’m not fond of Christmas, unless there’s mass murder involved, I don’t appreciate the holiday interfering with my movie enjoyment. Naturally, there are a few exceptions. A Christmas Story is rather amusing, especially because it’s so dysfunctional.

The Ice Harvest takes place in Wichita Falls, Kansas. It’s wintertime (hence the word "ice" in the title). Charlie (John Cusack) is a mob lawyer who has a plan, but not the guts to follow it through. Vic (Billy Bob Thornton) is his partner, who has the guts but not the brains. After sneaking away from Charlie’s boss with two million bucks, the two of them plan to spend the night in town, acting casual, and then fly out nice and easy the next day. But, one night turns out to hold a lot of surprises. And by the end of that same night, Charlie proves to have more guts and Vic proves to have more brains than anyone thought.

As is characteristic of his recent persona, John Cusack plays the role of Charlie with a mostly calm and collected sort of cynicism. Although he is a bit of a nervous character at times, he holds steady through this caper. His lack of panic during the most stressful of situations is pretty much the only outstanding trait Charlie has. Billy Bob Thornton plays a creepy, suspicious character much better than he has ever played a fine, upstanding citizen. I think it’s his shifty eyes that give him away. One of the most simple, but enjoyable characters in The Ice Harvest is Renata, played by Connie Nielsen. She is the sultry club owner and target of Charlie’s affection. Or, rather, lust. She got a smooth, deep voice, bright red lipstick, a killer figure, and the word “danger” written all over her. Renata may have been more at home in a Bogart murder mystery. Nielsen practically steals the show from Cusack and Thornton.

It is difficult for me to decide on who I think must hate Kansas more – the people who live there or the people who wisely stay away. The entire landscape is bleak, rainy, and frigid. Only the indoor scenes hold any warmth or interesting décor. All of the main characters in the film hold a strong desire to escape Wichita Falls. Even though Charlie and Vic are looking to run from the man they robbed, the whole reason for grabbing the cash in the first place is to leave town. If it hadn’t been a hundred degrees outside, I may have welcomed the warmth of the indoor scenes. Practically every room held something warm, from lighted holiday figurines, to windows draped in red. The inside of Charlie’s former home, now that of his friend Pete, was decorated in steel and blue glow and even that seemed toasty in comparison to the weather outside.


The word “Christmas” in this movie’s description turned out to be a non-concern. Amidst the lighted trees and reindeer, so much foul spirited activity abounds it is easy to forget that the holiday is looming. So, I was relieved of that at least. But even despite the good work of the actors involved, The Ice Harvest lacked any real hook. I didn’t find myself routing for the hero (or anti-hero) or tense during any of the action. I basically didn’t care and I wasn’t so concerned about how the whole thing would turn out. It was truly as mediocre as the Kansas landscape.

Overall Rating: 2
Hottie Rating: 3 (Renata smokes up the screen)

Alternate Viewing: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Official Site
IMDB Site
Boston.com review

***Note: If you found this review via IMDB, please let us know by leaving a comment. Thanks!***

I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead (2003)

Director: Mike Hodges
Venue: DVD
Trailer

The only complaint that I have with Netflix is that, often times, a disc will wait in my cue for several weeks before its turn to be shipped off in the mail. By the time that I get it, I can’t remember why I wanted that particular movie. Sometimes I just cruise around their site and click on whatever catches my fancy at the time. Other times, I get an interest in a certain actor and will rent anything with their name on it (anything that doesn’t look like a chick-flick). When I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead appeared in my mailbox, I remembered who’s filmography it came from, but my concept of the film was a good deal different from the reality of it.

Will Graham (Clive Owen) has spent the last 3 years living a quiet life in the forest; quite a change from the life he led as a gangster in the city. He’s left that life behind – or so he thinks. When his employment as a lumberjack is cut short, he decides to return to the city and check in with his brother Davey (Jonathan Rhys Meyers). Little does he know, just the day before his arrival, his brother had met an untimely end. So, he sets out – with little help from his severely dysfunctional family – to discover the reason behind his brother’s death and punish whoever may be responsible. The focus of this film is not actually Davey, as one might initially perceive. Rather, I saw the point being more about Will and the change – or inability to change – in his life, or in anyone’s life. I respect the choice of the director to create Will’s past out of character interaction, rather than flashbacks. Flashbacks have always seemed like the easy way out to me. Refraining from depicting Will’s former life visually serves to anchor the plot on the here and now and helps to maintain the focus of the story.

Plot: 3 stars

As I mentioned earlier, sometimes I get a fancy for a certain actor and decide to shop their filmography. The actor, in this case, is Clive Owen. I had seen him in Gosford Park and Closer. My interest was peaked by his performance in Sin City. I still haven’t decided if I like him or not though. After all, he doesn’t play the friendliest of characters. But, it’s that voice and that calm, cool delivery I can’t escape. Jonathan Rhys Meyers offers up a solid performance as the younger brother, even if it is a short part (and is, incidentally, quite the hottie). The mother (actually, I couldn’t quite tell if she was mom or not) of the two brothers (Helen) is played by Charlotte Rampling. Her character is completely devoid of maternal warmth and bitterly icy. I haven’t figured out what her motivations as the movie closes are, but she was perhaps the most complex person in the film. Although I disliked Mickser, the father figure of the boys, it is due entirely to the script and not at all to Jamie Foreman’s performance. In fact, it might be considered a testimony to it. The more I consider it, the acting was wonderful, but the roles themselves didn’t grab my interest as much as they should have.

Acting: 3 stars

If I was to be shelving movies at a rental store, I would file I’ll Sleep…under “drama” rather than “action”. For a movie about a former gangster, there is very little action involved. In fact, the film moves at a very slow pace. People walk slowly, move slowly, talk slowly and the story takes its own sweet time. A relaxed pace is not always a negative quality in a movie. Many Akira Kurosawa films are epically long, and still earn the description “masterpiece”. However, if you’re trying to watch this with an Attention Deficit Disorder afflicted teenager and a fidgety father, it can be painful.

Action: 1 star

I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead is beautifully filmed. Each frame is delectable and easily imagined as a postcard. Be sure to pick up the widescreen version (which is always preferable) so that you can fully enjoy each shot. It is imagery that illustrates the bridge between Will’s mountain man life and his return to gangsta, which is pivotal to the story. Costume and set design, while not surreal, are appropriate to the time and characters.

Visual: 3 ½ stars

As mentioned earlier, it is the dialogue in the movie that serves to describe Will’s former character. And, as the transition is so very important to the plot, the dialogue plays a vital role. I have to wonder what the person who titled this film was smoking. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” isn’t even a spoken line in the movie, let alone descriptive of its content. One line that is spoken, however, is “You think you've changed, do you? You haven't changed. Not really. People like us don't change. Not deep down.” And that, I think, is the summing up of the film. Part of the reason that I’ll Sleep..moves so leisurely is its lack of dialogue, and what little there is can be quite confusing.

Dialogue: 2 stars

I’ll Sleep ..is not a movie that will make it onto my “to buy” list or even my “will watch again” list. The director seems to be attempting some sort of existential artsy beyondness, but it doesn’t work the right way. There are a few elements missing that would have pulled the film together more and still left some of the more interesting questions intact. The cinematography is fantastic, but the other factors don’t quite measure up.

Alternate viewing choice: Violent Cop
IMDB site
Official site
Rotten Tomatoes Review

***Note: If you found this review via IMDB, please let us know by leaving a comment. Thanks!***

The I List

I Am Legend

The Ice Harvest

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Into the Blue

Iron Man