Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Directed by: Drew Goddard
Starring: Fran Kranz, Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth
Trailer

I feel that it's necessary to begin my review with a few qualifiers. First of all, I am a late-comer to Joss Whedon fandom. It took insistent recommendations from close friends (i.e. peer pressure) to get me to watch my first season of Buffy. Once I did, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. So, this review of his latest creative endeavor will naturally be colored by that slavish devotion that grips many of Whedon's fans.  Secondly, any reader of Gummi Popcorn will quickly surmise that I'm big on horror. But, I'm also very bored with it. There are times when the usual five-kids-in-a-cabin trope is just what the doctor ordered. When I'm sick at home, I eat lots of soup and watch teenagers get slashed by forest-dwelling psychos, hockey-mask-donning lunatics and ironic twists of fate. That's just the way I'm wired. However, that same formula has been used so often that it has become a joke. And now we get to how the two subjects are related.

As the trailer indicates, there's more going on here than what we as an audience might expect. Yes, there are the stereotypical victims - the blonde sexpot, the confident jock, the dowdy smart girl, the sensitive intellectual, and the pot-smoking loser - however, these are all just manipulations. There is a control room, behind the scenes, that oversees the most critical of decisions (do they stick together or split up?) while allowing enough rope for the characters to hang themselves with. And that's why Cabin in the Woods is not like any horror movie you've seen before.

What I liked about this film is that the creators know what audiences have become accustomed to and built a story behind it. They've added another layer of muscle just under the sagging skin of the horror genre. When, at the end of the film, that pallid flesh is ripped away, it is torn with reckless abandon by every manner of beasts let loose from darkened closets, illuminated legends and feverish nightmares. And yes - it's reminiscent of an episode of Buffy. And yes - it's hilarious.

Whedon has his finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture. He seems to have an innate ability to work subtle but relevant humor into even the worst situations, using a lingo that reverberates with currency. (I imagine him stalking groups of teenagers with a flip phone just to pick up their speech patterns, but I digress.) His comic timing is rarely less than perfect. The writing for Cabin in the Woods reflects that talent, in much the same way Whedon's other creations do.

That being said, I don't expect this film to explode the box office. While it doesn't blatantly cater to Whedon fans (there are no cheesy cameos from Boreanaz or Gellar), it might be a little too offbeat for mainstream audiences. After all, not everyone appreciates having the rug pulled out from underneath them.

Bechdel Test Results: Fail
Second Opinion

Hottie Rating: 4 of 5 (for wolf/girl make-out scene)
Overall Rating: 5 of 5 (this one goes on my top 5 list)

Christmas Evil (1980)

a.k.a. You Better Watch Out
Directed by: Lewis Jackson
Format: On Demand
Starring: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Peter Neuman, Joe Jamrog
clip

Christmas is such a major event, celebrated internationally, that it's no surprise the holiday has developed its own sub-genre in the film world. Most of us are familiar with the seasonal classics, like A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life. Those titles were made for the holiday and, like pumpkin pie, are usually enjoyed only once a year. There is an abundance of Christmas comedies, possibly because the time of year is so closely associated with cheer and joy. Bad Santa, Fred Claus and the upcoming Four Christmases immediately spring to mind. Christmas drama also abounds with titles like A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street and The Nativity Story. However, there is a lesser-known category; the Christmas horror. Being a person who tends to lean toward the darker side of everything anyway, my two current holiday favorites are The Nightmare Before Christmas (big surprise there) and Gremlins (it is to a Christmas movie!). That being said, it surprises me that I haven't seen much more of what the industry has to offer in the way of sugarplum nightmares. Last night, in an attempt to rectify this deficiency, I took a chance on Christmas Evil.

When Harry Stadling was a child, he witnessed his mom and Santa having a little "naughty time" under the Christmas tree. For some reason, it scarred the boy, causing him to be obsessed with the holiday. The middle-aged Harry sleeps in a Santa suit, hums holiday tunes and even works at a toy factory. He spends his off-time spying on the neighborhood children and logging their activities in his volumes of "naughty and nice" records. Not surprisingly, Harry isn't a popular kind of guy. People at work take advantage of him and he's increasingly irritated at the world for failing to grasp the true spirit of his favorite holiday. This year, he's finally had enough. He decides to don a white beard, paint a sleigh on his van and distribute some justice.

Brandon Maggart plays the older, disturbed main character and it's hard to say whether or not he's really a bad guy. Sure, he's a murderer and a weirdo, but as the filmmakers are fond of pointing out, maybe what society really needs is the fear of Santa to remind them to behave. Besides, kids seem to love the guy. I still wouldn't want to sit on his lap. Considering that Christmas Evil is practically a one-man show, Maggart carries it pretty well. He succeeds in being supremely creepy but not entirely loathsome. Harry's older brother Philip is really terrible. He's terrible because his character is such a jerk and terrible because Jeffrey DeMunn does such a poor job in the role. Philip is even less likable than the villain.

There isn't enough room here to describe all of the aspects of this movie that make no sense at all. The most puzzling of which, being why Harry's childhood peeping caused him to become a crazy, red-suited killer. I suspect there's a possible Oedipus Complex happening here, but that's a little bit of a stretch. In one odd scene, Harry has crept into the bushes surrounding one naughty child's house. He covers his face and hands in black mud and presses them up against the siding, leaving imprints. Later, the camera pans back to those same black marks, but why? Is it just so that we all know who's house we're looking at? Sorry Jackson, but you lost me here. In another bizarre moment, the young Harry, Philip and their mother are watching Harry's father climb down the chimney and stuff stockings. The three observers are sitting silently on the staircase, cast in strange lighting and not speaking. Was this supposed to be scary?

The entire 100 minutes of Christmas Evil is just uncomfortable; like being molested by a dirty old uncle. There's something totally creepy and uneasy about the whole situation. Nevermind that the movie is obviously low-budget (which isn't always a bad thing) and the plot and acting are weak. The lighting is wacky and the sets and wardrobe stink of moldy 70's stylings. Most of the story is unexplained and what little gore there is lacks inspiration. It's hard to tell whether the audience is meant to hate the main character or root for him or whether any part of this movie should be taken seriously. The only way I'd consent to watching Christmas Evil again is if it was part of an MST3K episode. Not a good result of my first foray into the Christmas horror sub-genre.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Gremlins
Official Site (the best I could do)
IMDB Page
DVD In My Pants review

Horror-thon 2008

Success!! GP survived 8 unending hours of pure horror yesterday, in preparation for this most phantasmic of holidays. Below are 10 mini-reviews (in no particular order), cooked up for your viewing pleasure. Hold on to your pointy hats.....!

1. 2001 Maniacs (2005)- Dir. by Tim Sullivan. Star. Robert Englund.

2001 Maniacs is the tale of a crew of three college boys off to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. Instead, an unexpected detour takes them to a place called Pleasant Valley. While it's not as far South as Florida, the place is certainly "deep South". Englund plays the town mayor, who sports a Confederate Flag eye patch and a hokey twang. The townsfolk are amazingly generous, but more than a little bit creepy. Excitement for the big feast abounds, but fewer and fewer outsiders seem to be likely to make it to the event...alive anyway. Aside from the fact that the title may have just as well have been 2001 Boob Shots, 2001 Maniacs was highly amusing. The movie shares many intentional similarities to Cabin Fever. So, if you enjoyed watching that one, you'll love this movie. This movie doesn't take itself seriously for a second and that's part of what makes it so much fun. I still don't think Englund would have a career if it wasn't for Freddy Kreuger.

3 stars. trailer

2. Halloween (2007) - Dir. by Rob Zombie. Star. Malcolm McDowell

So many people have told me that they were disappointed with Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween that I was prepared to be disappointed. After finally seeing the film, I would consider it less of a "remake" than an "homage". Zombie has always made it abundantly clear, even prior to his directorial debut, that he is a fan of the genre. He pays a great deal of respect to the original work. The first half of the movie is the background story of how Michael Myers came to be the psychopathic killer he is known as. The second half is a rehash (or an update) of the events in the original film. I found myself completely satisfied with the Rob Zombie version. It shed much light into the main character while respecting John Carpenter's vision.

4 stars. trailer

3. Vampire Diary (2007) - Dir. by Mark James & Phil O'Shea. Star. Anna Walton

Vampire Diary is a film out of the UK. It begins as the story of documentary filmmaker, Holly, who is busy following a group of so-called "vampires" about. This group of club-kids are truly nothing more than pretenders, dancing around in black eyeliner and latex. It's while she's filming them, however, that she meets a mysterious woman named Vicki. Vicki is a completely different breed. The second part of this story covers the somewhat tragic lesbian relationship between Holly and Vicki. Vampire Diary has a very amateur feel that gives the film a gritty edge and a distinctly UK underground flavor. It has a tendency to drag a bit in the middle and it is certainly not typical of vampire movies. The best part is really watching Anna Walton.

2 1/2 stars. trailer

4. The Happening (2008) - Dir. by M. Night Shyamalan. Star. Mark Wahlberg

The latest from M. Night Shyamalan seems to have gotten just as bad of a rap as The Village did. Call me biased, but I don't think this director has yet to make a "bad" movie. In The Happening, a mysterious event has spread throughout the East Coast, causing people to commit suicide en masse. School Science teacher Elliot Moore, his wife and their friend learn that the airborn toxin is wafting to Philadelphia and decide to join the exodus out of town. I thought the storyline for The Happening was an inspired one; very original. There were some extremely disturbing scenes, most memorable of them being at the construction site. However, the movie suffers from one major flaw. It's name is Mark Wahlberg. While I appreciate the man's acting for the most part, he was awful in The Happening. A cardboard cutout of the actor would have done just as well and had to have been paid far less.

3 stars. trailer

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) - Dir. by Tim Burton. Star. Johnny Depp

When I heard that Burton was going to give the classic story of Sweeney Todd his special treatment, I was ecstatic. When I learned that it was going to be a musical, I was less enthusiastic. When I actually heard Depp and Bonham Carter sing, I was nauseated. The costume and sets in this movie are the most gloriously theatrical since Pee Wee's Big Adventure. There is good deal of blood spraying and gushing about, but it all looks (intentionally, I suspect) rather fake. The plot is truly deserving of the "classic" badge of honor, by the way, and would seem to lend itself well to a director who dabbles in the dark and delightful. Wonderfully stylistic, as Burton tends to be, but marred significantly by the lead actors' serious lack of any vocal skill whatsoever.

2 stars. trailer


6. Invasion (2007) - Dir. Oliver Hirschbiegel. Star. Nicole Kidman

This story has had many incarnations, from the original, black and white, 1956 version to the 1993 stingray creature version. It hasn't gotten any less creepy. My personal favorite was the 1978 Donal Sutherland version. Regardless, the concept that those around us might all someday turn against us is inherently sinister. Kidman and Daniel Craig struggle through this latest version, trying to remain unturned. The story is basically the same as in past renditions. The two stars are convincing and do their roles proud. I think Invasion is now my second favorite telling of the Body Snatchers story.

3 stars. trailer

7. Quaranine (2008) - Dir. John Erick Dowdle. Star. Jennifer Carpenter

Initial trailers for this film had me saying, "That looks like the dumbest movie ever." But, since it was the only horror film playing at my neighborhood theater on the dark and stormy night that I insisted on driving that extra mile down the highway, I ended up seeing Quarantine anyway. It just goes to show how deceiving trailers can be. The entire film is shot through a hand-held videocam, exactly like Blair Witch was. So, until the 20 minutes that it takes to get used to the unsteady picture passes, you may be a little motion sick. While it is, on the one hand, sometimes frustrating to have the audience's vision restricted to the perspective of one character in the film, on the other, the restriction heightens the sensation that someone may be creeping up behind. The story is interesting and takes advantage of paranoia as its main scare tactic. A pleasant surprise and the only one of these 10 films that actually frightened me at all.

3 stars. trailer

8. The Reaping (2007) - Dir. Stephen Hopkins. Star. Hillary Swank

The Reaping centers around a college professor, who travels the world in order to disprove so-called miracles. Because of her reputation, the town of Haven sends a school teacher to meet her and request her aid with one of their own mysteries. It seems that the town's entire river has turned to blood. It seems also, that if Katherine doesn't agree to help, a young girl's life may be in danger. As she sets about applying her scientific methods to explain the phenomenon, the town is visited by a series of biblical plagues and it becomes harder for Katherine to deny a supernatural cause. The Reaping was not disappointing, mainly because I didn't think it would be any good in the first place. The "twist" ending is trite and predictable. The acting is mediocre. One thing I was grateful for was the absence of focus on the apparently tempting topic of a black man in the South.

3 stars. trailer

9. Shiver (2008) a.k.a. Eskalofrio - Dir. Isidro Ortiz. Star. Julio Valverde

Shiver comes to America from the same people who brought us The Devil's Backbone and Pan's Labyrinth. It's the tale of a young man with an allergy to sunlight and his single mother. To avoid the bullying and health issues of living in the city, the pair move to a town in a shady valley. When villagers begin to die, their blood sucked from their bodies, guess who's the main suspect? I detest the American name for this film, but that's just about the only thing I found objectionable about it.

3 1/2 stars. trailer

10. The Number 23 - Dir. Joel Schumacher. Star. Jim Carrey

While I am not a fan of Carrey's brand of comedy, I do enjoy him in dramatic roles. In The Number 23, he plays a dog catcher who is, while bored at work, happily married with a son. On his birthday, his wife gives him a small-press paperback that cause him to correlate everything to the number 23. Save yourself the trouble and rent Pi instead.

2 1/2 stars. trailer

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, deleted scenes, trailer, featurette
Starring: Taylor Handley, Jordana Brewster, Diora Baird, Matthew Bomer, R. Lee Ermey
trailer

Anyone who's ever taken a cross-country road trip, especially through Texas, knows that the way is polka-dotted with tiny little towns. Some of them are no larger than a gas station and a motel. Those towns have always creeped me out. I've walked into a roadside Dairy Queen and had a room full of backwoods eyes follow me up to the counter. Once, I stopped my car on the side of the highway just to poke my head out and look at the stars. It was mighty fast before flashes of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me poke my head back in. If I was the only person who got chills from inbred, tobacca chewers, we wouldn't have movies like The Hills Have Eyes, The Devil's Rejects or 2001 Maniacs. We most certainly would not have this prequel to a remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

In The Beginning, two brothers are on their way to enlist in the military and ship off to Vietnam. The eldest, Eric (Bomer), is marching off proudly to his second tour. What he doesn't know is that his brother Dean (Handley) is planning to detour to Mexico to dodge the draft. The pair are just beginning to hash out the issue when they and their girlfriends are run off the road. Sheriff Hoyt arrives on the scene and takes the two boys and Dean's girl Bailey (Baird) into custody. Instead of taking the group down to the stationhouse, they end up at the home of the Hewitts. Hoyt is actually head of the household, all dressed up like a lawman. The family is the last left in town after the slaughterhouse closed and drove most of the residents out. While Dean, Eric and Bailey suffer the Hewitts' demented sense of hospitality, Eric's girlfriend Chrissie catches up to them and attempts a daring rescue.

Generally, it's not in one's best interest to expect good acting in a horror film. Disappointment almost assuredly follows. (The only exeption to that rule might be a Hitchcock film.) That said, it was surprising to find the acting in TCM: The Beginning well above par. Taking center stage is R. Lee Ermey who plays Sheriff Hoyt/Mr. Hewitt. He's completely convicing as the disgusting, disturbed and dispicable head of a household of cannibals. If I ever met the actor, I'd have a really hard time turning my back toward him. The best out of the four kids in the movie is Handley, as Dean. Not only is he cute with his boyish blonde curls, but
his character has surprising strength. The rest of the cast is marginal. Andrew Bryniarski is the actor behind the leather face, but little more is required of him than a bit of lumbering about.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is advertised as the answer to everything you ever wanted to know about Leatherface. Even the filmmakers, when trying to explain themselves in the special features, don't lend very convincing support to the prequel claim. In reality, the only segment that gives any background to the legendary murderer's past is the brief series of scenes that backdrop the opening credits. Apparently, after the 2003 remake of TCM was released, the producers of the movie were innundated with questions from fans. It seems as though they took those questions, invented answers to them on the fly, and strung the rest of the movie together to fill in the gaps. The Beginning ends up being, in essence, TCM: The Remake Part 2; yet another retelling of the same scenario.

The movie is, however, quite gorey and with me, a little gore goes a long way. Every drop of blood was very realistic and all of the major components are covered. TCM: The Beginning satisfies the blood splatter, juicy organs, dismembered digits and gapeing body cavity cravings of a jaded horror fanatic. Want to see someone impaled on a rusty chainsaw? You'll get two. Want to see someone get their face peeled off? No problem. There was even one scene that turned my stomach a little and that's saying something. Full marks for gore gratification! (Honestly, don't let the kids watch this one.)

Although the story is getting tired at this point, it must be difficult to follow up one of the best horror movies ever made. Maybe it's the source material or maybe it's the "based on a true story" level of reality, but TCM: The Beginning does much better than your average fright fest. While it's not as fun as a movie like Cabin Fever, it is a bit traumatic. After watching it, you'll feel like you've been through something terrible.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 2

Alternate Recommendation: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Official Site
IMDB Page
Dr. Gore's review

The Mangler 2 (2001)

Directed by: Michael Hamilton-Wright
Format: On Demand
Starring: Lance Henriksen, Chelse Swain, Daniella Evangelista, Miles Meadows, Will Sanderson
Trailer

I will watch almost any movie, once, depending on the situation. I shop the horror section, on most occasions, before venturing elsewhere. That being said, I'll explain the situation that led me to choose The Mangler 2 from my On Demand menu. A couple of weeks ago, in an attempt to get a handle on my love handles (watching movies all day will do that), I hired a personal trainer. This past Saturday, she worked me so hard that, on the following day, I was barely able to move due to muscle soreness. Taking this as the perfect excuse to shirk my responsibilities and lay in bed all day watching movies, I set about to do just that. Although I had just rented two perfectly watchable DVDs from the video store that prior evening, I decided to go for the cheap thrill. "Besides," I reasoned, "that Ellen Page movie would probably go better with a dusky light and a glass of wine."

The Mangler 2 centers around a group of private college students. Jo Newton (Swain) is the daughter of a neglectful father who happens to own the school. She is of the angsty/goth/hacker variety, although her "hacking" consists mainly of downloading programs from the Internet. She and her fellow school prefects are held back from a school outing because the jerk headmaster (Henricksen) wants to know who's defaced the school's website. Feeling pissed off and outcast from her classmates, Jo decides to infect the building's new high-tech security system with (dun, dun, duuuuun!) The Mangler 2 virus. Just as the program is busy downloading, class jock, Dan (Sanderson), climbs through her window and distracts her from her revenge. The two run off to join the others, Emily, Corey and Will (Dexter Bell) for an impromptu pool party.

After Jo brags about her newest prank on the school, the group realizes that they would be the prime suspects since they're the only students there. So, they all run up to the headmaster's office to fix his email and place the blame on someone else. As they make their way through the empty hallways, they begin to come across mangled faculty members. When one of their own is boiled alive by the sprinkler system, they realize that they've got to fight the machines for their lives and try to escape the grounds before they're all dead.

Here's a movie selection tip - whenever you see Lance Henricksen's name on the cast list, avoid at all costs. His filmography is a list of B-grade flops and cartoon voice-acting. Granted, there are a few exceptions, like Alien or (maybe) the first Pumpkinhead, but it's a safe bet that whatever horror movie he's involved in will suck horribly. The rest of the cast of "teenagers" is just as awful. Daniella Evangelista plays class slut Emily who is mainly just a set of boobs bouncing their way through the script. She'd be attractive if the camera never panned above her neck. Of course, The Mangler 2 includes the class stoner, Corey (Meadows) and the token black guy (Bell) as well. Chelse Swain only has one expression - the twisted mouthed angsty one - and she doesn't pull even that off very well. Midway through the movie, the school's chef (Philippe Bergeron) is added to the group of hopeful escapees. His anti-computer monologues could have been amusing if they weren't delivered in the most lame fake French accent ever. In fact, I didn't realize he was trying to be French until someone mentioned it in the movie.

Sometimes, I can overlook a sad plot and horrible acting if the gore is exceptional. Sadly, that wasn't the case with The Mangler 2. There is some blood splatter and a crazy, wire entangled, horny headmaster, but some of the murders are offscreen. In a horror movie, no kill should ever, ever be offscreen. None of the effects were nauseating or even shocking. The animated computer wires are laughable. Even Jo's animated fractal screensaver is pathetic.

I never saw the first Mangler movie. After having seen the sequel, I don't think I need to see another Mangler movie ever again. This movie was weak, it lacked imagination, there was hardly any gore involved, and the acting was scraping the barrel. Don't waste your time with this movie. I've seen porn with better acting. There are a million horror movies out there and I'm betting that at least 80% of them are better than The Mangler 2. Still, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen and for that, and that alone, I can't give it a 0 rating.

Overall Rating: 1/2 star
Hottie Rating: 1 star

Alternate Recommendation: an episode of Scooby Doo
Official Site (none found)
IMDB Page
DVD Verdict review

***Note: If you found this review via IMDB, please let us know by leaving a comment. Thanks!***

Shutter (2008)

Directed by: Masayuki Ochiai
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, director feature, spirit photography featurettes, deleted scenes
Starring: Joshua Jackson, Rachael Taylor, Megumi Okina, John Hensley, Maya Hazen
Trailer

I thought the trend of Asian horror movie remakes was at an end. It apparently hasn't quite died yet. This time, instead of taking from the stock of Japanese films, the original Shutter was from Thailand. Nonetheless, the American version was shot in Japan by a Japanese director. According to his interview in the special features section of the disc, Ochiai attempted to stay as true to the original as possible. While I feel that to be an admirable trait, I remember being disappointed when I saw Ringu because it was so similar to the American version. When will American audiences learn to enjoy foreign cinema without having it tailor-made for us?

In Shutter (the English version), Benjamin and Jane have just gotten married. The happy couple plans to spend their honeymoon in Japan, where Ben has a photography shoot. He'll be working with his two pals Bruno and Adam who've set the couple up with a nice apartment and studio in an abandoned building. As the couple is driving in from the airport, Jane accidentally crashes into a girl standing in the road. When they regain consciousness, there's no body and the police find no evidence of an injured girl. Riddled with guilt, Jane begins to see the girl in window reflections. But Ben tells her she's imagining things and with the stress he's experiencing at the job, it's not a good time to bring this up. Apparently, the expensive photo shoot didn't go well. All of Ben's pictures developed with strange defects, just like their honeymoon roll. While Jane is flipping through her amateur shots, she notices the girl from the road is in all of them. Who is this woman, what does she want and what doesn't Jane know about her husband's past in Japan?

The main premise of Shutter relies heavily on the concept of spirit photography. A big deal in Japan, it hasn't quite hit Western shores (I always wondered where the idea for the game Fatal Frame came from). There are magazines filled with pictures of ghosts in Japan and it seems that Ben and Jane have managed quite a collection of their own. I think spirit photography is a fascinating idea and an interesting one to base a film around. But Shutter suffers from many of the same similarities as most of its predecessors. There is always the culture shock of American transplants to Japan and it always seems to be the girlfriends who are suffering. While Jane does a little bit better tackling the subway system than most, she's still feeling a bit lost and isolated. Just once, I'd like to see an American woman who's having a good time in that country.

Shutter also has the same brand of fear as most of the other films. There isn't really a gore factor and all of the terror comes in slow, suspenseful waves. I appreciate the fact that the filmmakers aren't constantly trying to make the audience jump at inane little things. However, I'm getting really tired of spooky long-haired chicks. In The Grudge it was scary. In The Ring it was a puzzle. In Shutter, it's just old news. This film does have the benefit of an interesting plot and a few unexpected twists, which makes it more enjoyable than it otherwise could have been and that's what saves it from just another Japanese remake.

All of the actors here are acceptable in their roles. None are really fantastic or will leave a lasting impression. Joshua Jackson makes a great loving husband who falls gradually from grace, but I didn't buy his fear. Seeing a character in a horror film truly convey their fright makes me feel afraid all the more. Jackson didn't do that for me. Jane (Taylor) never seems more than curious and frustrated. The Japanese actress, Megumi (who plays the ghost Megumi) doesn't have to do much more than move slowly. Bruno (David Denman) and Adam (Hensley) are really just sort of older jocks who've acclimated to live overseas. No depth there, I'm afraid.

I can't really confess any strong feelings either way on this movie. I did expect it to be terrible and it wasn't. It's just different enough of a movie to be interesting, but just similar enough to others to be boring. I don't regret the rental and the DVD's special features are good (just don't watch them before you see the movie). But, when you've seen one American remake of an Asian horror film, you've sadly seen them all.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 2

Alternate Recommendation: go see something in its original language
Official Site
IMDB Page
A.V. Club review

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Brainscan (1994)

Directed by: John Flynn
Format: On Demand
Starring: Eddie Furlong, Frank Langella, T. Ryder Smith, Amy Hargreaves, Jamie Marsh
Trailer

Lately, I've been stumbling upon some not-quite-classic-but-still-campy nuggets of recently-passed cinema. You know - not quite Casablanca and not quite MST3K. To be honest, it's mostly due to the fact that I'm lazy and broke and I haven't returned my Netflix movies in a while. But, being lazy and broke has its advantages, believe it or not. Namely, stumbling upon not-quite-classic-but-still-campy nuggets of recently-passed cinema. I digress. There's something to be said for hidden treasure. The risk in hunting for it is, of course, finding crap along the way. I came across Brainscan and, recognizing the name, decided to give it a chance.

It's the mid-nineties. Video games and computers offer limitless entertainment, but Michael Bower (Furlong) thinks he's seen it all. When his best friend Kyle (Marsh) calls him up to tell him about an intriguing ad in the latest issue of Fangoria, he takes a break from video taping the girl next door's bedroom window to respond. The ad is for a product called Brainscan and it promises an experience so realistic and terrifying that it's like no game ever played before. Feeling an affront to his teenage boy video game prowess, Bower takes on the challenge. Soon, disc 1 arrives in the mail. Brainscan leaps from the screen and takes over. Michael's mission is to go into a man's house and murder him (creatively) before the time limit is up. He's absorbed into the first-person perspective and completes the mission with time to spare. The next day he learns that a local man has been murdered and inside his freezer is the man's foot! How realistic is too realistic?

Brainscan is loaded with cool, outdated technology presented as cutting edge. Michael's phone is a voice-activated and crudely animated butler named Igor. The game discs are played via cartridge inserted into his DVD/disc drive device. Even the special effects are mid-nineties conceptions.

Who knew that Eddie Furlong was in anything except Terminator 2? In fact, looking over his rap-sheet, I don't see anything later than 1999 that I recognize. Really, would any of us recognize Furlong if we saw him now? I know plenty of girls who confess a crush on dear Eddie (oh, I'm sorry, Edward)from "back in the day". For his role as Michael Bower, just imagine John Connor with a little less rebellion but just as much of a techie fetish. Brainscan is entirely suitable for anyone with a Furlong habit. One of the most amusing characters in this movie was Trickster, played by T. Ryder Smith. Trickster is the goblin-like character that springs from the Brainscan disc. He's sort of the movie's version of Beetlejuice, but a little more punked out. At least he appreciates Primus. Smith plays him (underneath a lot of makeup) as an impish creature; ridiculous and odd, but perfect for the film and plenty of personality. The rest of the cast is the usual gathering of high-school misfits. They're not outstanding by any means, but likeable enough. None of them steal the spotlight from Furlong.

There are a slew of improvements that could be made to Brainscan to make it a better film. For one, Michael has the "Pipi Longstocking Syndrome". That is to say that he's got plenty of neat gadgets, no cash flow issues and, most importantly, absent parents. For another thing, I would have made the game's first victim the troublesome school principal, who cancels the boys' classic horror movie club. Kyle should have been a much more prominent character, being Bower's best friend, and could have been given a good deal more screen time. The topic of Micheal's mother is strong in the beginning of the movie. It seems as if it will be a major factor, but is never really developed.

To summarize, Brainscan isn't quite the film it could have been, but it's amusing to watch. It's not in the least bit frightening, of course, but it gets a smidge tense at times. I wouldn't go adding this movie to your personal collection, unless you're into this sort of thing, but rental (at a reasonable discount) is not something to shy away from. However, if you're into smoking a bit of the green stuff, or getting a bit tipsy (not that GP condones that sort of thing), it could be the perfect 96 minute diversion.

Overall Rating: 3 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Videodrome
Official Site (none found)
IMDB Page
The Austin Chronicle review

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Boy Eats Girl (2005)

Directed by: Stephen Bradley
Format: On Demand
Starring: Samantha Mumba, David Leon, Tadgh Murphy, Laurance Kinlan
Trailer

I have my issues with the free movies that come with my On Demand cable. Usually, it's hard to find anything worth the time to see. Most times, those movies are the ones you pay for. However, I've noticed that certain factors determine what goes onto the free menu and one of them seems to be country of origin. It appears that American audiences are reluctant to watch anything from foreign lands unless that movie has made it to the Oscars or has attained "cult status". Lucky for me, these are the kinds of movies I like to watch and I never balk at subtitles. While Boy Eats Girl does not require English subtitles, it does come from Ireland. Oh, and - bonus! - all the guys have delicious Irish accents!

Boy Eats Girl revolves around a foursome group of friends; Jessica, Nathan, Diggs and Henry. The four high-schoolers (although they all look like they're in their mid-twenties) have been friends for a while and Nathan's began to take a shine to Jessica. His friends arrange a meeting between the two to force Nathan to finally ask Jessica out. But, on that fateful night, Jessica's father won't let her out of the house and Nathan gets tired of waiting. As he's headed home, he catches sight of his potential girlfriend (who managed to sneak out eventually) in a car with another guy. His hopes dashed and his heart broken, he goes to his room and proceeds to drink heavily. As he's toying with the idea of hanging himself, his mother bursts in and accidentally completes the deed.

Previously, as his mother was painting a chapel, she'd stumbled across an ancient book of voodoo. So, she goes back to steal it and uses black magic to resurrect her son. As everyone knows though, if you mess with the dark arts, something's bound to go awry. Nathan wakes up the following morning with no recollection of the night's events and a terrible hunger he can't quite alleviate. He decides to show up at the school dance and ends up in a fight with the class bully. Guess who gets bitten. From that point forward, there's a string of gruesome incidents, eventually turning everyone in town into flesh-eating zombies.

If you've read a few of my reviews, you will have noticed that I heart gore. Boy Eats Girl does not disappoint in that regard. There's one scene in particular in which Jessica uses a piece of farm equipment to puree a group of attackers. It's lovely! Intestines spill, heads explode, internal organs are obliterated - in short, it's a lovely display! The dismembered pieces are a bit rubbery, but that can be easily overlooked in the name of comedy.

The essence of the film is one quarter romantic comedy, three fourths Shawn of the Dead. While the dialogue and the humor of Boy Eats Girl don't quite meet the level of the British film, it's not a total loss. For one thing, it wasn't nearly as hyped. The teenage team has the advantage of a stronger, faster Nathan who hasn't yet given in to the madness of the flesh. If you ask me, he should have eaten the class slut, but that's beside the point. The mother and son actually have a decent relationship, which is absent in most films about teenagers. The attraction between Nathan and Jessica is cute, but not particularly compelling. I was satisfied that the girl could kick ass. Plot-wise the movie was entertaining, not spectacular.

The cast is typically well-rounded; there's the slut, the bully, the dork and the stoner-types. Diggs (Murphy) and Henry (Kinlan) provide most of the comedic element. Mumba and Leon are okay actors and do quite a fair job. The worst cast member was probably Mark Huberman, who play class bully Samson. Random gang of zombies could have done a much better job of groaning and dragging their limbs. The worst they seem to do is hover about and gnash their teeth. There wouldn't have been anything wrong with a bit more horror.

So, as a discount rental or a free On Demand pick, Boy Eats Girl is a safe bet. It won't leave you in bed with the lights on and it won't have you holding your sides with laughter. On the other hand, the action and humor will hold your attention.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 3 (God, I love guys with accents!)

Alternate Recommendation: Fido
Official Site
IMDB Page
Dystopia Magazine review - Carol Sullivan is a bit more generous than I was.

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Dark Remains (2005)

Directed by: Brian Avenet-Bradley
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, trailer, behind the scenes, deleted scenes, prison featurette
Starring: Cheri Christian, Greg Thompson, Scott Hodges, Jeff Evans, Patrick G. Keenan
trailer

(Thanks go to our reader Carrie for suggesting this review!)

The loss of a child is an event that parents deal with in different ways. Although sadness is a natural response, grief can manifest itself in many forms. Some people feel anger. Some blame themselves. Some turn to a higher power. If the parents in question happen to be in a movie though, two methods of coping are almost guaranteed to surface. One of them is watching a lot of home movies (do people still make those?) and the other seems to be moving.

When the daughter of Julie and Allen Pyke is murdered, the couple decides to rent a cabin in the hills. Mr. Pyke hopes that the relocation will provide a welcome escape and a place for his wife to recover. Julie makes her living as a professional photographer, but lost interest in her camera after the incident. With a little prodding, Allen convinces her to take a look around and try a few snapshots of the area. When she stumbles upon an abandoned prison, something strange develops. Friends of the Pykes come to visit and leave in a hurry. The cabin's hillbilly caretaker tips the couple off about the prior occupants and their grim fate. When Mr. Pyke does some digging at the town library, he discovers a string of strange deaths. It's looking more and more like the couple should vacate the premisis, but Julie has decided to stay.

Dark Remains looks very much like a low-budget movie shot with a high-budget camera. The colors are crisp and vibrant. The shots are steady and focused. While not particularly creative as far as angles and technique go, the cinematography is solid and doesn't suffer from an overdone arthaus effort (like Fay Grim). I can respect that. I can also respect a special-effects guy who's handy with the latex, spirit glue and red corn syrup. His skills are more readily apparent in the special features than in the actual film (which, perhaps, is the true test). Thank goodness the filmmakers went the old-fashioned way when it came to makeup, because if this movie had any cheap CGI, I don't think I could have sat all the way through it.

Now that the few redeeming aspects of Dark Remains have been identified, I can set to work tearing this thing apart (sorry Carrie). Where do I begin? Ah yes, the - "acting". Julie Pyke, greiving mother, is played by Cheri Christian. She seems terribly familiar to me and I thought I may have seen her as Will's love interest in Good Will Hunting. Turns out that character was played by Minnie Driver (both have that powerful jawline and chipmunk cheeks). Her character suffers from a lack of committment at best. Every time Julie announces that she refuses to do something or is determined to do another, it takes mere seconds for her to change her mind. There's no serious emotion expressed by this woman, aside from an exceptionally brief and barely tearful breakdown. As it turns out, Christian shares a cast listing in several other movies with Greg Thompson, who plays Julie's husband, Allen. Thompson his hardly a better actor. His character is more of a father than a husband, constantly following Julie around and demanding to know what she's doing. He's annoying and also boring. The only actor in this movie who is reasonably watchable is Scott Hodges. He does his best with the script as the backwoods caretaker Jim. In fact, I'm not so sure that the man isn't a creepy hillbilly in reality. I don't even want to go into the few supporting actors that remain. Maybe I should take it easy on the actors though. Maybe they aren't really to blame for the terrible characters. There is, after all, the horrible script to consider.

After watching Dark Remains, I'm left with a series of questions. 1.) How does Allen find his wife at the prison, in the dark, when he's never been there before? 2.) Shouldn't it be the county's duty to chain the doors of the abandoned prison closed, not Mr. Pyke's? 3.)How does Julie find her way back into the prison without unlocking any chains? 4.)Why does the sherrif pop in for a visit, at night, only to harrass the residents, "you didn't kill your daughter, did you? I had to ask." 5.) Why does the movie otherwise completely neglect the subject of an investigation into their child's death? That could have made a better film than this did. 6.) After the prior resident shot himself, why did the cops leave the gun laying around for the next guy to find? 7.) In a horror movie, why does the actual discovery of a body happen off-screen?! 8.) What's the deal with the coffee/tea situation?

What's the scare factor in Dark Remains? Nearly nil. Admittedly, a couple of brief shots made me jump. The problem is that the few methods the filmmaker uses to try to scare the audience are the same three over and over again. One of them is to show a character in a close shot, show that person move, and have something creepy appear in the vacated spot. Another is to use reflections to show the aparitions and the third is a series of doors that move on their own.

The dialogue is so horrible in this movie, that it would almost be preferable to mute the damn thing and play some music instead. Wait, "almost"? I mean, "definitely". If I knew a good camera man and a buddy with a cabin I could borrow, even I could have done a better job than Brian Avenet-Bradley did. I guess that's what happens when the same guy writes, edits and directs the same movie. Thank god he didn't star in it. The producer/cinematographer? - I think she's his wife. Don't waste your time with Dark Remains. Even the trailer sucks. Sadly, it's still not the worst movie I've sever seen, which goes to show that I really will watch anything.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Shutter
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Video Graveyard review

The Strangers (2008)

Directed by: Bryan Bertino
Format: Theater
Starring: Scott Speedman, Liv Tyler, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks, Laura Margolis

There are different brands of terror. One horror movie might thrill you because the events are realistic. Another may be full of ghosts and the supernatural, making you wonder what's out there in the shadows. Do you sleep with the lights on? Are you looking over your shoulder? Sometimes horror films aren't even terribly frightening, aside from the occasional start or gallons of gore. So, why is it that people seek out the frightening side of film? Despite my experiences with real-life terror, I'm still a horror film junkie. Why? For me, it's akin to the thrill of riding a roller coaster or the desire to sky-dive. I seek that rush of adrenaline with every theater ticket. But, I sit there, heart pumping, knowing that I'm not in any actual peril. Oh, and don't forget gore...lots and lots of gore....

In The Strangers, James Hoyt (Speedman) and Kristen McKay (Tayler) are staying the night at the Hoyt's family cabin. It's less than a relaxing getaway for the young couple, however, as instead of celebrating their engagement, they're awkwardly trying to reconcile after Hoyt's proposal falls flat. In the middle of their reconciliation, there's a strange knock at the door. A young woman stands outside, asking for someone. They send her away, telling her she's got the wrong address. After James leaves to buy a pack of smokes, Kristen is alone in the house and hears the knock again. Even though she's clever enough not to open the door, someone sneaks in the house while her back is turned. James returns and finds an hysterical Kristen, claiming that there's an intruder and people lurking outside. At first he tries to tell her she's imagining things, but when he finds his car demolished, he realizes they're in real trouble.

There isn't anything hokey or bizarre about The Strangers. Having been "inspired by true events", the plot is a realistic one. Special effects extend only to blood and injury, not amazing CGI ghouls and ghosts. At the beginning of the movie, two missionary boys happen upon the scene of the crime and it's obvious that something terrible has happened. So, no surprises there. Despite being forewarned of the ending though, you can't help but wonder if the couple makes it out alive. In theory, you should be in for a gripping story and all the more so because of its roots in reality.

Liv Tayler is not someone I would have expected to see in this film. However, she pulls off the role quite nicely. She remains terrified, but still competent. Tayler is very convincing. Speedman is passable as the rejected propositioner and is believeable as a frightened, but protective boyfriend. The other actors do a good job holding up their end of the script, but don't have very involved roles. It's Tayler and Speedman carrying the show.

I have to say that, although the trailer gave me chills, The Strangers was lacking something special. I'd like to be able to pinpoint that absent aspect, but I can't quite seem to put my finger on it. The movie had the makings of a truly terrifying 90 minutes, but didn't pull it off. There are a few brief scares, but they fall into the relm of the predicatable. When Hoyt's friend arrives on the scene, it's all to easy to guess what's going to happen. An eerieness is missing. There was more tension in the plot before the indruders even made an appearance and all of the truly creepy scenes are already included in the advertisements. Even the blood looks fake.

Another thing I noticed in The Strangers, were inconsistencies. Honestly speaking, I don't normally pick up on the little mistakes in movies until after a second or third viewing. But in this movie, I did. Firstly, there's the scene with Liv in the kitchen. She's smoking a cigarette and senses danger. So, she turns around and - viola! - disappearing cigarette. No smoke, no ashes, nothing. Secondly, at one point, a character is bound at the wrists (you'll see this in the trailer). In a following scene, no cuts or marks appear where they should be. How many people viewed this film prior to release and didn't catch those things?

So, to sum up, I was very disappointed by my experience with The Strangers. Looking back, I would have chosen any of the other options in theaters right now. Kung-Fu Panda would have been more worth my time. Unless you're exceedingly curious (even after my review), I don't recommend the rental either. Sometimes it's true what they say - your imagination is scarier than the real thing.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 1 star (That's all you get, Speedman)

Alternate Recommendation: Straw Dogs
Official Site
IMDB Page
Appreciating Great Trash review

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Fido (2006)

Directed by: Andrew Currie
Format: DVD
DVD Features: DVD-Rom, making of, Blooper Reel, trailers, deleted scenes, slide show, commentary
Starring: Carrie-Anne Moss, Billy Connolly, Dylan Baker, K’Sun Ray, Tim Blake Nelson, Henry Czerny
Trailer

This is a review suggested by one of my readers. Thanks to Rochelle!

I’m surprised that Fido slipped beneath my radar. I don’t remember hearing a thing about it when it was released. Although horror films rarely ever acquire much acclaim, they most certainly get press. It seems that zombie movies have been appearing in droves these last few years. Ever since 28 Days Later met with such success, zombie horror seems to have risen from the grave. The Dawn of the Dead remake, Land of the Dead, Planet Terror and UnDead are all post 2002. Along with its new popularity, a sub-genre appears to have taken on life; the zombie comedy. While some older movies tend to be a bit campy and amusing, their humor generally wasn’t intentional. Shaun of the Dead, however, was purely farce. The only movie prior to that I can remember mixing humor with flesh-eating corpses was Dead Alive (a.k.a. Braindead), a terrifically gory film directed by Peter Jackson. Fido, in fact, reminded me a great deal of Dead Alive, which is one of my favorite horror movies.

The film opens with a flickering film reel, like the old “educational” reel-to-reels they used to show in class (if you’re old enough to remember). It’s a clever way to introduce the atomic age era of the movie and give Fido’s background story. Due to a sprinkling of space dust, the dead have risen and the newly dead rise again. Thank goodness for corporate entity Zomcon, which has invented a radio collar that quells the undead’s thirst for flesh and turns them into docile servants. “Now we can all be productive members of society, even after we’re dead.” The Robinson family has just gotten one of their very own. At first the man of the house, zombie fearing Bill Robinson (Baker), objects to the new addition. However, his persuasive wife Helen (Moss) reminds him that they’re the only family on the block without a zombie and what must the neighbors think? It’s hardly any wonder that little Timmy Robinson (Ray), slung between his maladjusted, distant father and his appearance obsessed mother, warms to the company of their undead servant.

Timmy decides to name their new zombie Fido and the two soon develop a boy-and-his-dog type of relationship. Fido protects Timmy from the neighborhood bullies and Timmy buries the neighbors that Fido munches on. Even his mother begins to form an attachment to the zombie, much to the chagrin of Mr. Robinson. But their new neighbor, head of Zomcon, starts to suspect that the reanimated neighbors are the result of a rogue undead. How long can Timmy keep Fido’s evil deeds buried?

Suburban 1950’s atmosphere of Fido is somewhat reminiscent of the neighborhood in Edward Scissorhands or Pleasantville; a sarcastic send-up of the era. Everything is over saturated with brilliant hues and unnaturally clean. The insidious corporate beast Zomcon and its brainwashing propaganda appears very lighthearted and campy on the surface, but has a definite edge of political commentary. The Timmy and Fido relationship would be unbearably cheesy if it weren’t for the occasional murder or accidental corpse. Some highlights from the film: elementary school children at target practice, neighbor Mr. Theopolis’ strange relationship with his girl zombie, Mr. Bottoms’ almost Bush-like speech in class and Mr. Robinson’s strange obsession with funerals. The soundtrack was wonderful as well. I was delighted to hear one of my favorite Squirrel Nut Zippers songs again.

All of the actors did a terrific job in this movie. It was strange to me, to see Carrie-Anne Moss in this role as a 50’s suburban housewife after her performance as Trinity, but as the movie progresses, she becomes a much more likeable and convincing character. Mr. Robinson, played by Dylan Baker, is very, very uncomfortable being a father and it is very uncomfortable watching him try to be one. The unease with which he relates to his son springs right off the screen and makes you squirm a bit. K’Sun Ray (who names their son K’Sun Ray??) couldn’t have been a better choice for Timmy. A little more suspicious of Zomcon than the other boys his age, but just as innocent and happy go lucky and Lassie’s companion. My favorite character is probably Mr. Theopolis (Nelson). He’s an odd mix of Hunter S. Thompson and someone I can’t quite put my finger on (probably whomever he’s a direct parody of). I wonder how many takes it took before Billy Connolly could keep a straight face.

The only thing that would have shoved Fido rudely into the realm of greatness would have been more gore. There are scant few scenes of severed limbs and bloody remains. The evil that the zombies in this movie lack though, is nearly made up for by the pseudo governmental security agency. It had a cleverly executed plot and the idea to have zombie slaves in 1950’s suburbia was a stroke of genius. The whole thing could have easily gone horribly wrong, but the filmmakers ended up with a gem. Sarcasm is by far my most beloved form of comedy and Fido was full up.

Overall Rating: 4 ½
Hottie Rating: 1 (freaky zombie love counts for somethin’)

Alternate recommendation: Dead Alive
Official site
IMDB page
Bullz-Eye.com review

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I Am Legend (2007)

Directed by: Francis Lawrence
Format: Theater
Starring: Will Smith, Alice Braga, Willow Smith, Salli Richardson, Abby

I Am Legend was one of the few films of 2007 that had its release date marked on my calendar. Everyone I knew was as eager to see it as I was. What made this movie so anticipated? Was it star power? Was it the theme? Was the trailer especially clever? For me, I think it was all three. Funny; even before I saw it, I kept saying that the film reminded me of an old Charlton Heston movie. Come to find out, the movie The Omega Man (1971) was adapted from the same novel - I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. There was apparently a third movie, The Last Man on Earth (which I haven’t seen) that also used the novel as a foundation. So, if nothing else, it seems I have a new book to add to my list.

Watch any of the TV spots for I Am Legend and you’ll get the basic gist of the movie. Robert Neville (Smith) is the last remaining human in New York City and, as far as he knows, the world. His only companion is Sam (Abby), a German Shepherd. Together they go through their daily routine; exercise, gathering food and trying to contact other survivors. As is typical of many other films in the genre, the rest of the population has contracted a virus which has turned them into inhuman monsters. These beasts only come out at night however, which is when Neville and Sam barricade themselves indoors. When he’s not simply trying to survive, Neville works on a cure for the virus that he himself is immune to, hoping to bring back some of the populous.

Some of the CGI in I Am Legend is a bit hokey. The deer and some of the monsters don’t move very convincingly. On the other hand, seeing Times Square deserted and overgrown with weeds was eerie enough. The zombie creatures definitely look like they came out of a video game. Granted, it’s harder to tell these days with graphics improving in leaps and bounds. Even though the city is empty and all the cars in the streets, save one, are stationary, it doesn’t seem to be a completely miserable environment. I’d be willing to bet that a sizeable number of New Yorkers might prefer the streets all to themselves.

I really believe that Will Smith is a terrific movie actor. He’s had the misfortune to be involved in a few stinkers (Wild Wild West), but even DeNiro has his bad days. From the first movie I saw him in, Six Degrees of Separation, it became apparent that Smith had skills beyond that of his musical career. I Am Legend is another movie he can count as a successful performance. It’s difficult for one actor to carry an entire movie on his own in the first place. Smith does it and makes it look easy. Abby did a great job too!

I’m the kind of person who wakes up everyday and hopes that a zombie apocalypse has occurred while I was sleeping. So, the idea of being the only human left isn’t particularly terrifying. But, I do think that the sorrow and solitude of losing human companions would eventually corrode the mind, as it does with Neville – to a degree. I enjoyed the idea of the last survivor as a scientist, trying to cure the disease. It was a different twist I haven’t seen often in the zombie genre. My only real complaint with I Am Legend is the ending. It seemed unnecessary and that lack of necessity cheapened what might have been a heroic finish.

Overall Rating: 3 ½
Hottie Rating: 3 (Smith doing pull-ups)

Alternate recommendation: The Omega Man
Official site
IMDB page
James Berardinelli’s review

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The Grudge 2 (2006)

Directed by: Takashi Shimizu
Format: DVD
DVD Features:
Starring: Amber Tamblyn, Edison Chen, Arielle Kebbel, Misako Uno, Sarah Roemer
Trailer

The Grudge 2 follows a recent trend of Japanese horror films being remade for American audiences. Originally, this movie and its prequel were labeled Ju-On, directed by the same Japanese director, and shot on the same set. Ringu and Ringu 2, known on Western shores as The Ring series are another example. I have seen Ringu and there isn’t a great deal of variation between it and the version starring Naomi Watts. There is even less variation between The Grudge and Ju-On. So, why go through so much trouble to remake the film? Are American audiences so resistant to subtitles and foreign faces? It’s not just Japanese film that gets this treatment either. What about Vanilla Sky (Abre los ojos)? Why spend millions of dollars just to retell a story that, more often than not, was much better the first time?

If you haven’t seen The Grudge, you may be a little bit lost, since the sequel picks up just about where the first one left off. Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar), after trying to burn down the cursed house from the previous film, is now in the hospital. Her mother in the U.S. decides that she’s going to send Karen’s estranged sister Aubrey (Tamblyn) to Japan to convince her to return home. But, Aubrey doesn’t have much time to talk before the spirits from the house finish her sister off. At the hospital, Aubrey gets some help from a young man named Eason (Chen), who is a journalist investigating the history of what happened in the house.

Meanwhile, high school students Vanessa and Miyuki decide to play a trick on their classmate Allison (Kebbel) and take her into the evil abode. Little do the three of them realize, the legend attached to the house is true – anyone who steps inside will be followed by the phantoms that haunt it and every step they take is doomed. After Miyuki disappears and Vanessa is attacked, Allison loses her grip on sanity and returns to her family in Chicago. But, the curse has followed her there and begins to seep through the walls into the neighbor’s apartment.

Just as with the first Grudge movie, the main spooks are the young woman and son who were the first victims in the house. The boy, Toshio, continues to appear out of the shadows and the mother, Kayako,’s animated hair winds its way around her victims. The two don’t have any new characteristics or talents to speak of, they just pop up in unexpected places. There is a shower scene in the sequel that threatens to mimic a similar scene from part 1, but thankfully it’s just a tease. I would have been happy to see Yoko or maybe Peter take part in the haunting this time. Sadly though, none of the other victims of the curse make an appearance in ghost form. To be quite honest, I’m tiring of the cat yowl and the croaking noises coming from these two. It was creepy the first time, but not in the second round. Many of Yoko’s attacks reminded me too much of a similar long haired spirit from a similar Japanese remake, especially the dark room scene.

As far as the acting in The Grudge 2 in concerned, well, I never thought I’d say it, but, there are worse actors than Sarah Michelle Gellar. In fact, I wish she would have lasted longer in the sequel because I much rather an additional hour of her performance than what the film continued with. Edison Chen was terrible as the so-called investigative journalist and male companion for Aubrey. Granted, even veteran actors from Hong Kong usually bomb in their first American films, but Chen seemed like he was being read his lines from offstage. Amber Tamblyn seems to have mastered little more than repeating the same horrified look over and over. Miyuki, played by Misako Uno, had the most shrill and irritating voice! It was like listening to nails on a chalkboard every time she opened her mouth. Thank god she doesn’t have a huge role in the movie. The best actor I noticed was Matthew Knight, who plays Allison’s curious neighbor Jake.

During most of The Grudge 2, it was as if there were three separate plots taking place at once. Karen’s sister and Eason are the first and most obviously connected characters. The three students, Allison, Miyuki and Vanessa take up the second string. Jake and his family make up the third, and most detached storyline. Until the end of the film, it was difficult for me to determine how the Chicago family was involved, seeing as how none of them stepped foot in the haunted house. In addition, there is a small bit of Yoko’s past that figures loosely into the movie that is never fully realized. The story is sort of all over the place and non-cohesive.

I was very disappointed with this follow up to The Grudge. The first film was truly eerie at times, made much more sense and had a richer cast of characters. The ending to this second movie was relatively confusing and particularly lame, especially the conclusion of Aubrey’s involvement. While a few interesting ideas were touched on in The Grudge 2, they were never explored further or even figured back into the plot afterwards. I was even more let down with this film than I was with the sequel to The Ring.

Overall Rating: 2
Hottie Rating: 1 (Chen was almost attractive if it hadn’t been for the terrible performance)

Alternate recommendation: The Ring
Official site
IMDB page
Dread Central review

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30 Days of Night (2007)

Director: David Slade
Format: theater
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Ben Foster, Danny Huston, Megan Franich
trailer

For every monster, whether it be in movies or in video games, there are rules. Rules such as; vampires die in the sunlight, werewolves are killed with silver bullets, and the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain. Rules tell the heroes how to survive. Even when the monsters are not standard fare, the ground rules have to be laid in order for the audience to understand how the game is to be played. The zombies in 28 Days Later were not the normal, slow variety that audiences were used to. However, the filmmakers let us know how people were infected and how to avoid becoming a victim. Without some kind of structure, things can go to Hell.

30 Days of Night takes place in Barrow, Alaska - the Northern most town of the United States. This far North on the globe, the sun takes a month off in Winter. So, if you’re a creature of the night, it’s the perfect place to vacation. Just as the sun gets ready to dive below the horizon, a stranger arrives in town. A mysterious chain of circumstances eliminates every escape route and puts the only apparent law officer in residence, Eben Oleson (Hartnett), on his guard. But, he doesn’t have much time to sit around and ponder the situation, because the town falls under attack. Vampires. Much of the town is slaughtered right away, but a small group of citizens manages to find a hiding place and try to find a way to survive until the sun returns.

30 Days of Night has some interesting costuming and makeup. All of the vampires are in spiffy suits and have very animalistic faces. However, instead of the standard elongated incisors, they have two rows of very sharp teeth. I liked that the vampires didn’t speak English. I’m no linguistics major, but their dialect sounded something akin to Russian. They’ve all got the strength and agility of vampires, but not much in the way of personality. Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer the Anne Rice, romantic, sexy vampires to the creatures in this movie. Rather than seducing their prey, they go about slaughtering and tearing throats, much more like a zombie would. They seem to gain no sustenance from their victims and delight merely in the kill. I don’t really like this strain of vampire. They didn’t carry much of the allure that I’m used to.

One thing that surprised me about 30 Day of Night was the gore. After the first 30 minutes of the film, I was resigned to the possibility that I may see nothing more than a few blood spattered walls. Once the main characters became the last survivors in town, the gore factor improved dramatically. There’s even a scene where one man has his head chopped off with an ax. Usually, it’s only the swing and the screaming that suggest a beheading that we get to see. In this film, the actual chopping in full, gory detail fills the screen. Right on! I wonder how it managed to sustain an R rating.

I have quickly become a fan of Josh Hartnett. He’s a bit more rugged (and fully dressed) than I’ve seen him in other films, but no less tasty. On top of his killer good looks, the boy can act. His female counterpart in 30 Days of Night is Stella, played by Melissa George. Her character is a little irritating at the start of the movie, but soon becomes a valuable part of the group. Most of the other characters in the movie are sort of mundane. There wasn’t any feeling of loss as they dropped off one by one. No particularly stellar performances. Eben’s little brother Jake (Mark Rendall) was annoying and I never felt any sort of real connection between him and the older Oleson.

I would wait for 30 Days of Night to hit the rental shelves before viewing. It isn’t nearly worth the $9.50 or other outrageous sum paid for admission. The gore factor almost redeems this movie, but the lack of any sort of guidelines (aside from an aversion to sunlight) or personality on the part of the villains makes the struggle unimpressive.

Overall Rating: 2 ½
Hottie Rating: 4 (Hartnett, of course)

Alternate Viewing: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Official Site
IMDB Site
Horror Movie A Day review

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Rawhead Rex (1986)

Director: George Pavlou
Venue: Online
Starring: David Dukes, Kelly Piper, Heinrich von Schellendorf, Niall Toibin

The 1980’s produced a number of good movies. The Breakfast Club with Emilio Estevez and Molly Ringwald was one of my favorites. Back to The Future with Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd was an instant classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off tops my list of best 80’s movies. It’s true that not everything created in the 80’s was a good thing. If you’re as old as I am, you’ll remember the wall-o-bangs hairstyles, legwarmers and baby boomers. Yet, certain things born in this era should stay buried in the past. In fact, some movies are so bad, so criminally awful, so devoid of any redeeming quality, that every last copy should be hunted down and tossed into the flaming pyre of shame, along with their creators.

Rawhide Rex does indeed have a plot. Granted, it’s pathetically contrived and about as weak as a 2 day old puppy, but it’s a plot nonetheless. The story takes place somewhere in Ireland, in a rural village. When a local farmer uproots an ancient monolith, the legendary demon, Rawhead Rex is released and begins to terrorize the township. Howard Hallenbeck (Dukes) and his family have arrived just in time for the massacre. Hallenbeck has been carting his family around the countryside, photographing small churches and attempting to uncover their Pagan roots. Luckily for the rest of the population, his photos hold the key to stopping the demon.

As you may have guessed, the prominent character in Rawhide Rex is, in fact, Rawhide Rex himself. With that in mind, it’s reasonable to expect a little bit of effort to go into the costume. However, a gorilla suit, a dime-store Halloween mask, and a few castoffs from the Mad Max wardrobe room don’t quite scream, “resurrected demon from Hell” to me. Rex is basically Heinrich von Schellendorf running around in a cheap costume yelling, “Rawr!”. His little devotee is father Declan O’Brien (Ronan Wilmot), who becomes so after touching a mysterious hot spot on a table in the church (I kid you not). In a WTF moment toward the climax of the movie, Rex unexpectedly “shoots his load” all over the priest. I suppose that’s what he gets for dropping the F-bomb about 20 times in a row inside a church.

The protagonist in the picture isn’t much more entertaining and his family pretty much deserves to be torn to shreds by Rawhead Rex. His wife Elaine can’t seem to find anything to wear except her nightgown and takes absolutely no interest in parenting her two kids. Little Robbie Hallenbeck (Hugh O’Conor) is a mouthy brat who keeps his nose in his comic books and smarts off to his parents constantly. The little girl’s name is Minty. Who names their child Minty? Other than constantly whining, she’s a typical tyke. Hardly any of the rest of the characters in this movie are worth mentioning, except that they’re a mob of Irish stereotypes – ignorant and drunk.

Watching Rawhide Rex, one almost expects to see three little silhouettes in the bottom corner, cracking wise about the movie. However, if you find yourself watching this monstrosity, it won’t be hard to make up your own clever quips. That might be the only way to survive the 89 minutes of your life flushing rapidly down the drain. There’s absolutely nothing in this movie worth taking seriously and it’s even too bad to have that camp appeal which might otherwise make it bearable. No wonder I was never a Clive Barker fan. Heed my warning and avoid at all costs.

Overall Rating: 0
Hottie Rating: 0

Alternate viewing: Hellraiser
Official site (none found)
IMDB site
Cavalcade of Schlock review

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Constantine (2005)

Director: Francis Lawrence
Format: Theater / DVD
DVD Features: trailers, added scenes, alternate ending, DVD-ROM
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Tilda Swinton, Gavin Rossdale, Shia LaBeouf,

Let it be known from here on out, that I am an Atheist. I don’t believe in God or Heaven or Hell. No, I don’t believe in Satan either, because I imagine that he was invented by the same mythic text as the rest. But, for some reason, I am still fascinated by the personification of the Devil in pop culture. I love grand cathedrals and all of the affectations surrounding faith. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I love horror films, which are often fraught with Catholic symbolism. Many of the best horror films involve priests (The Exorcist, for one), churches or the Apocalypse. So, the trailer for Constantine practically grabbed ahold of me a dragged to the theater.

Although Constantine was based on a comic book (Hellblazer), the main character is more of an anti-hero. John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) drinks a lot, smokes even more and is particularly cynical about most everything. Albeit, not without reason. See, the man has literally been to Hell and back after a botched suicide attempt. He’s been graced, or cursed, with the power to see angels, demons, and what he calls “half-breeds” and he’s become a crusader of sorts. With the aid of his friends Hennessy (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and Beeman (Max Baker) and aprentice Chas Kramer (Shia LaBeouf) travel around the city performing exorcisms and combating evil spirits.

After her sister’s death, Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) seeks out Constantine in the hope of finding answers to what she doesn’t believe was a suicide. At first, John throws the badge carrying Angela out of his apartment. But, when he realizes that she’s being hunted by the supernatural, he rushes to help her. The two of them pick up a series of clues and soon figure out that the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan, in terms of the fate of the world.

The visuals in Constantine are amazing. Hell is a smoldering, disintegrating version of the living world, populated by sincerely grotesque monstrosities. It’s so beautifully constructed that it’s hard to keep from sweating, watching the heat waves engulf entire landscapes. In the human plain, costuming is impeccable and Gabriel’s wings are worthy of an angel. His outfit near the end of the film is terrifically inventive, and just try to top Satan in his white suit. The sets are grim and gritty, full of texture. Constantine’s apartment and Beeman’s hideout are both curiously fascinating haunts.

For years and years, I have avoided films that star Keanu Reeves. I have never considered him a good actor. When The Matrix came out, I started to give the actor more of a chance. Once, I read an article about Reeves, which made the point that he’s a good actor because he’s such an empty slate. Regardless, Keanu makes a wonderful Constantine. The only other actor I would have considered for the job might be John Cusack, but he’s a little too meek to measure up. Rachel Weisz is fast becoming one of my favorite actresses. However, she’s not particularly convincing as a police officer. Granted, the plot doesn’t focus much on her career, but there’s an edge she seems to be lacking. Chas, Hennessy, and Beeman are all terrific characters, richly designed and well played. Tilda Swinton is divine as the angel Gabriel, but her demon counterpart, Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale) was disappointing. One of the best characters is Midnite, played by Djimon Hounsou. If there were to be another movie with this set of characters, I would love to learn more about him.

I don’t have anything bad to say about Constantine. It’s exciting, visually appealing, well acted, and has a great storyline. My only wish is for more of the characters and their individual stories. Some movies have the ability to astound in the theater, but can’t hold up to repeat viewing at home. Although I eventually purchased the DVD release of Constantine, I have watched it over and over again without growing tired or disinterested. This one’s a sure bet.

Overall Rating: 5
Hottie Rating: 5 (for Reeves and LaBeouf, and for Weisz's wet shirt scene)

Alternate Viewing: Night Watch
Official Site
IMDB Site
Salon.com review

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