Casino Royale (2006)

Directed by: Martin Campbell
Format: On Demand
Starring: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Judy Dench, Giancarlo Giannini
trailer

I used to adore 007. The first six Connery movies have always been my favorites, but I imagine that I've seen the Roger Moore films several times over as well. When GoldenEye, with Pierce Brosnan, was released, I was excited for the genre to continue. However, I quickly grew tired of the franchise after that. The formula had gotten stale and I just wasn't enough of a die-hard Bond fan to stick around. So, I let Die Another Day, The World is Not Enough and Tomorrow Never Dies slip by practically unnoticed. (In fact, I still haven't seen those three.) I also admit to never having read anything by Ian Fleming, the novelist who created the character. So, although I've seen the majority of James Bond films, I can't hardly call myself a dyed-in-the-wool "fan". A new friend of mine, however, is and convinced me to give Daniel Craig a shot in the famous role.

If the movies had been made in the same order as the books, Casino Royale would have been the first. When the film opens, Bond doesn't even have his "double-O" status yet. When he gets it, he doesn't waste any time following rules. His first mission ends in a dead bomb maker and an explosion that sends an embassy in Uganda up in flames. Then, 007 proceeds to break into M's house, which doesn't make her terribly happy either. But, she seems more concerned about the fact that the bomb maker they were hoping would lead to a major arms dealer is now dead. James isn't flustered. He picks up on the trail again in The Bahamas and eventually follows it to a high-stakes poker game in Montenegro. His goal there will be to beat international terrorism's favorite banker, Le Chiffre, in a game of Texas Hold 'Em. If he loses, Le Chiffre gets away and the British government will have made a 10 million dollar donation to terror.

Casino Royale is set apart from all other Bond movies. Not only has the lead actor changed, but several previously common elements are missing. There are no flirtatious exchanges with Money Penney, for example. She's not even in the film. Also absent is the character Q and his gadgets. Bond's car had a very useful glove box, but there's no fancy introduction and no John Cleese. Both are ingredients I'd always enjoyed before, but was willing to let go - however reluctantly - in favor of fresh footage. Also noticeable is the greatly reduced presence of cheesy one-liners and sexual innuendo. A fond farewell to that!

What isn't missing in this newer film is action. If possible, it's even more amped up than before. One of the very first scenes involved Bond chasing a man through a construction site. I had to pause and re-watch it just to make sure I didn't miss anything. The stunts are fantastic and there's hardly any time at all to catch one's breath. It's almost super-human the way Marvin Campbell (stunt double for Sebastian Foucan) bounces around the set. Mad props to the stunt team! Another staple of the genre, namely beautiful women with unusual names, has also held its ground. This time, however, Bond uncharacteristically falls for one of them.

So, how is Daniel Craig as the new Bond? While I've never really found Craig to be an attractive man, I have to admit that he's got a marble figure in Casino Royale. He's a rougher version of the character; hard core and not afraid to get dirty. At the same time, he also manages the suave side of Bond quite convincingly. The gritty edge that Craig lends to the role is very appealing and refreshing. I was not disappointed. While Sean Connery will always have a special place in my heart, I have to call Craig a close second. James' love interest this time is Vesper Lynd, an accountant played by Eva Green. Green is a more elegant, intelligent "Bond-girl" than most and is strikingly lovely sans makeup. A witty match for Bond, I nonetheless never felt she was entirely trustworthy. The asthma afflicted, bloody-eyed La Chiffre owes his excellent portrayal to chisel-jawed Mads Mikkelsen. While not as dramatically intense as many previous villains, La Chiffre makes up for it in cold, calculating insanity. While the character himself could have used a few more examples of evilness (probably not a a real word), Mikkelsen made my skin crawl.

I whole-heartedly recommend this version (yes, there are others) of Casino Royale to anyone who's become jaded when it comes to movies about British agents with a license to kill. The opening credits kick some serious ass as well, accompanied by Chris Cornell's "You Know My Name". I enjoyed this film so much that I watched it again immediately after the first time. I just hate that Bond's signature card game - Baccarat - is eliminated in favor of Texas Hold 'Em; a game that's a little too "redneck" for my taste. It looks like I'm going to have to see Quantum of Solace now - despite the awful title - since it's the conclusion to this movie. That's right, Casino Royale is also the first 007 two-parter.

Overall Rating: 4 stars
Hottie Rating: 4 stars (Holy chiseled bod, Batman!)

Alternate Recommendation: Dr. No
Official Site
IMDB Page
A Nutshell Review review

Christmas Evil (1980)

a.k.a. You Better Watch Out
Directed by: Lewis Jackson
Format: On Demand
Starring: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Peter Neuman, Joe Jamrog
clip

Christmas is such a major event, celebrated internationally, that it's no surprise the holiday has developed its own sub-genre in the film world. Most of us are familiar with the seasonal classics, like A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life. Those titles were made for the holiday and, like pumpkin pie, are usually enjoyed only once a year. There is an abundance of Christmas comedies, possibly because the time of year is so closely associated with cheer and joy. Bad Santa, Fred Claus and the upcoming Four Christmases immediately spring to mind. Christmas drama also abounds with titles like A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street and The Nativity Story. However, there is a lesser-known category; the Christmas horror. Being a person who tends to lean toward the darker side of everything anyway, my two current holiday favorites are The Nightmare Before Christmas (big surprise there) and Gremlins (it is to a Christmas movie!). That being said, it surprises me that I haven't seen much more of what the industry has to offer in the way of sugarplum nightmares. Last night, in an attempt to rectify this deficiency, I took a chance on Christmas Evil.

When Harry Stadling was a child, he witnessed his mom and Santa having a little "naughty time" under the Christmas tree. For some reason, it scarred the boy, causing him to be obsessed with the holiday. The middle-aged Harry sleeps in a Santa suit, hums holiday tunes and even works at a toy factory. He spends his off-time spying on the neighborhood children and logging their activities in his volumes of "naughty and nice" records. Not surprisingly, Harry isn't a popular kind of guy. People at work take advantage of him and he's increasingly irritated at the world for failing to grasp the true spirit of his favorite holiday. This year, he's finally had enough. He decides to don a white beard, paint a sleigh on his van and distribute some justice.

Brandon Maggart plays the older, disturbed main character and it's hard to say whether or not he's really a bad guy. Sure, he's a murderer and a weirdo, but as the filmmakers are fond of pointing out, maybe what society really needs is the fear of Santa to remind them to behave. Besides, kids seem to love the guy. I still wouldn't want to sit on his lap. Considering that Christmas Evil is practically a one-man show, Maggart carries it pretty well. He succeeds in being supremely creepy but not entirely loathsome. Harry's older brother Philip is really terrible. He's terrible because his character is such a jerk and terrible because Jeffrey DeMunn does such a poor job in the role. Philip is even less likable than the villain.

There isn't enough room here to describe all of the aspects of this movie that make no sense at all. The most puzzling of which, being why Harry's childhood peeping caused him to become a crazy, red-suited killer. I suspect there's a possible Oedipus Complex happening here, but that's a little bit of a stretch. In one odd scene, Harry has crept into the bushes surrounding one naughty child's house. He covers his face and hands in black mud and presses them up against the siding, leaving imprints. Later, the camera pans back to those same black marks, but why? Is it just so that we all know who's house we're looking at? Sorry Jackson, but you lost me here. In another bizarre moment, the young Harry, Philip and their mother are watching Harry's father climb down the chimney and stuff stockings. The three observers are sitting silently on the staircase, cast in strange lighting and not speaking. Was this supposed to be scary?

The entire 100 minutes of Christmas Evil is just uncomfortable; like being molested by a dirty old uncle. There's something totally creepy and uneasy about the whole situation. Nevermind that the movie is obviously low-budget (which isn't always a bad thing) and the plot and acting are weak. The lighting is wacky and the sets and wardrobe stink of moldy 70's stylings. Most of the story is unexplained and what little gore there is lacks inspiration. It's hard to tell whether the audience is meant to hate the main character or root for him or whether any part of this movie should be taken seriously. The only way I'd consent to watching Christmas Evil again is if it was part of an MST3K episode. Not a good result of my first foray into the Christmas horror sub-genre.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Gremlins
Official Site (the best I could do)
IMDB Page
DVD In My Pants review

Into the Blue (2005)

Directed by: John Stockwell
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, commentary, screen tests, deleted scenes, star interviews
Starring: Jessica Alba, Paul Walker, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin
extra long trailer

***This movie has been nominated for a Gummi Award in the Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles category.**

Ah, the ocean. The wide open sea. The boundless horizon of waves and adventure. The bounty of life teeming just below its surface...The myriad of terrifying ways to die...the lack of oxygen...the raging storms..the minuscule jellyfish that can cause days of incredible pain... Yeah, the ocean? Not so much fun for me. The ocean is something that demands respect and if you forget that for a moment, that's the moment she kills you. Nothing short of a bottle full of Valium and a million dollars will ever get me on a boat. While I'm content to view its amazing glory from shore and play cautiously in the surf, there are millions of people who make their living on ships.

In fact, the heroes of Into the Blue hardly spend a moment on dry land. Jared is a diver and amateur treasure hunter who dreams of the big score. His girlfriend, Sam, studies sharks (or maybe just works at Sea World) and is perfectly content with the humble life they lead. Enter Jared's buddy and cocky young lawyer, Bryce. Bryce has his newly acquired young whor..I mean "girlfriend" in tow and the pair have flown in to vacation in the Bahamas. The four borrow a yacht from one of Bryce's clients and go out for a dive. While poking around in the sand, Jared and Sam find some clues that could lead them to a major discovery. The trouble is, the group also finds an airplane wreck and it's full of cocaine. Trying to keep the buried treasure to themselves until they can acquire the equipment to dig it up and stake their claim could be difficult. Nobody looses a cargo plane full of blow and neglects to go looking for it.

So, naturally the plot here leaves much to be desired. Poor Jared is so down and out that he can't afford a ship of his own or any treasure hunting equipment. However, I wonder where this twenty-something guy got the dough to be living in the Bahamas in the first place. Plus, he's dating Jessica Alba so it's a little hard to feel sorry for him. His former boss and gold seeking rival, played by Josh Brolin, appears whenever it's important to egg on the main characters, but is he really making money digging up sunken artifacts? I realize that The Bahamas are just a small group of islands, but I didn't realize that it's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody else. In Into the Blue, the whole scenario wraps up as neatly as a Guy Ritchie flick, but without all the style and class. Awfully convenient but terribly uninspired.

The acting is tolerable on the part of Alba and Paul Walker (who plays Jared), but everyone else, including Brolin, sink to the watery depths of forgetful performances. There are only two real reasons why this movie was made. Reason one: to show off Jessica Alba's nearly naked body. The girl is undeniably hot, but in this film, she's almost skeletal. As a vegetarian, I never thought I'd say this, but girlfriend needs a Big Mac. Besides, how many shots of her ass can they fit into one movie anyway? The second reason, and the only thing that redeems this crappy movie, is the beautiful underwater cinematography. It far outshines any other aspect of this movie. If only they could cut out the scenes of the mediocre gangsters, snore-inducing plot and empty air tank gauges and just show the spectacular fish and crystal blue heaven, I might actually be willing to watch Into the Blue a second time.

The verdict? This movie sucks and not just because I'm a confirmed landlubber. Hell, Jaws, The Abyss and Pirates of the Caribbean all get the "thumbs up" from yours truly (I guess you don't have to wait for those reviews). I was all prepared to nod approvingly at the movie's fair depiction of sharks too, and then Mr. Seven Rows of Teeth took a chunk out of someone. Sigh. This was one of those movies that I saw the trailer for and thought, "Not gonna see that one". But then someone (thank you Kris) had to go and nominate it for a Gummi Award!

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: The Abyss
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Village Voice review

Horror-thon 2008

Success!! GP survived 8 unending hours of pure horror yesterday, in preparation for this most phantasmic of holidays. Below are 10 mini-reviews (in no particular order), cooked up for your viewing pleasure. Hold on to your pointy hats.....!

1. 2001 Maniacs (2005)- Dir. by Tim Sullivan. Star. Robert Englund.

2001 Maniacs is the tale of a crew of three college boys off to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. Instead, an unexpected detour takes them to a place called Pleasant Valley. While it's not as far South as Florida, the place is certainly "deep South". Englund plays the town mayor, who sports a Confederate Flag eye patch and a hokey twang. The townsfolk are amazingly generous, but more than a little bit creepy. Excitement for the big feast abounds, but fewer and fewer outsiders seem to be likely to make it to the event...alive anyway. Aside from the fact that the title may have just as well have been 2001 Boob Shots, 2001 Maniacs was highly amusing. The movie shares many intentional similarities to Cabin Fever. So, if you enjoyed watching that one, you'll love this movie. This movie doesn't take itself seriously for a second and that's part of what makes it so much fun. I still don't think Englund would have a career if it wasn't for Freddy Kreuger.

3 stars. trailer

2. Halloween (2007) - Dir. by Rob Zombie. Star. Malcolm McDowell

So many people have told me that they were disappointed with Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween that I was prepared to be disappointed. After finally seeing the film, I would consider it less of a "remake" than an "homage". Zombie has always made it abundantly clear, even prior to his directorial debut, that he is a fan of the genre. He pays a great deal of respect to the original work. The first half of the movie is the background story of how Michael Myers came to be the psychopathic killer he is known as. The second half is a rehash (or an update) of the events in the original film. I found myself completely satisfied with the Rob Zombie version. It shed much light into the main character while respecting John Carpenter's vision.

4 stars. trailer

3. Vampire Diary (2007) - Dir. by Mark James & Phil O'Shea. Star. Anna Walton

Vampire Diary is a film out of the UK. It begins as the story of documentary filmmaker, Holly, who is busy following a group of so-called "vampires" about. This group of club-kids are truly nothing more than pretenders, dancing around in black eyeliner and latex. It's while she's filming them, however, that she meets a mysterious woman named Vicki. Vicki is a completely different breed. The second part of this story covers the somewhat tragic lesbian relationship between Holly and Vicki. Vampire Diary has a very amateur feel that gives the film a gritty edge and a distinctly UK underground flavor. It has a tendency to drag a bit in the middle and it is certainly not typical of vampire movies. The best part is really watching Anna Walton.

2 1/2 stars. trailer

4. The Happening (2008) - Dir. by M. Night Shyamalan. Star. Mark Wahlberg

The latest from M. Night Shyamalan seems to have gotten just as bad of a rap as The Village did. Call me biased, but I don't think this director has yet to make a "bad" movie. In The Happening, a mysterious event has spread throughout the East Coast, causing people to commit suicide en masse. School Science teacher Elliot Moore, his wife and their friend learn that the airborn toxin is wafting to Philadelphia and decide to join the exodus out of town. I thought the storyline for The Happening was an inspired one; very original. There were some extremely disturbing scenes, most memorable of them being at the construction site. However, the movie suffers from one major flaw. It's name is Mark Wahlberg. While I appreciate the man's acting for the most part, he was awful in The Happening. A cardboard cutout of the actor would have done just as well and had to have been paid far less.

3 stars. trailer

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) - Dir. by Tim Burton. Star. Johnny Depp

When I heard that Burton was going to give the classic story of Sweeney Todd his special treatment, I was ecstatic. When I learned that it was going to be a musical, I was less enthusiastic. When I actually heard Depp and Bonham Carter sing, I was nauseated. The costume and sets in this movie are the most gloriously theatrical since Pee Wee's Big Adventure. There is good deal of blood spraying and gushing about, but it all looks (intentionally, I suspect) rather fake. The plot is truly deserving of the "classic" badge of honor, by the way, and would seem to lend itself well to a director who dabbles in the dark and delightful. Wonderfully stylistic, as Burton tends to be, but marred significantly by the lead actors' serious lack of any vocal skill whatsoever.

2 stars. trailer


6. Invasion (2007) - Dir. Oliver Hirschbiegel. Star. Nicole Kidman

This story has had many incarnations, from the original, black and white, 1956 version to the 1993 stingray creature version. It hasn't gotten any less creepy. My personal favorite was the 1978 Donal Sutherland version. Regardless, the concept that those around us might all someday turn against us is inherently sinister. Kidman and Daniel Craig struggle through this latest version, trying to remain unturned. The story is basically the same as in past renditions. The two stars are convincing and do their roles proud. I think Invasion is now my second favorite telling of the Body Snatchers story.

3 stars. trailer

7. Quaranine (2008) - Dir. John Erick Dowdle. Star. Jennifer Carpenter

Initial trailers for this film had me saying, "That looks like the dumbest movie ever." But, since it was the only horror film playing at my neighborhood theater on the dark and stormy night that I insisted on driving that extra mile down the highway, I ended up seeing Quarantine anyway. It just goes to show how deceiving trailers can be. The entire film is shot through a hand-held videocam, exactly like Blair Witch was. So, until the 20 minutes that it takes to get used to the unsteady picture passes, you may be a little motion sick. While it is, on the one hand, sometimes frustrating to have the audience's vision restricted to the perspective of one character in the film, on the other, the restriction heightens the sensation that someone may be creeping up behind. The story is interesting and takes advantage of paranoia as its main scare tactic. A pleasant surprise and the only one of these 10 films that actually frightened me at all.

3 stars. trailer

8. The Reaping (2007) - Dir. Stephen Hopkins. Star. Hillary Swank

The Reaping centers around a college professor, who travels the world in order to disprove so-called miracles. Because of her reputation, the town of Haven sends a school teacher to meet her and request her aid with one of their own mysteries. It seems that the town's entire river has turned to blood. It seems also, that if Katherine doesn't agree to help, a young girl's life may be in danger. As she sets about applying her scientific methods to explain the phenomenon, the town is visited by a series of biblical plagues and it becomes harder for Katherine to deny a supernatural cause. The Reaping was not disappointing, mainly because I didn't think it would be any good in the first place. The "twist" ending is trite and predictable. The acting is mediocre. One thing I was grateful for was the absence of focus on the apparently tempting topic of a black man in the South.

3 stars. trailer

9. Shiver (2008) a.k.a. Eskalofrio - Dir. Isidro Ortiz. Star. Julio Valverde

Shiver comes to America from the same people who brought us The Devil's Backbone and Pan's Labyrinth. It's the tale of a young man with an allergy to sunlight and his single mother. To avoid the bullying and health issues of living in the city, the pair move to a town in a shady valley. When villagers begin to die, their blood sucked from their bodies, guess who's the main suspect? I detest the American name for this film, but that's just about the only thing I found objectionable about it.

3 1/2 stars. trailer

10. The Number 23 - Dir. Joel Schumacher. Star. Jim Carrey

While I am not a fan of Carrey's brand of comedy, I do enjoy him in dramatic roles. In The Number 23, he plays a dog catcher who is, while bored at work, happily married with a son. On his birthday, his wife gives him a small-press paperback that cause him to correlate everything to the number 23. Save yourself the trouble and rent Pi instead.

2 1/2 stars. trailer

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, deleted scenes, trailer, featurette
Starring: Taylor Handley, Jordana Brewster, Diora Baird, Matthew Bomer, R. Lee Ermey
trailer

Anyone who's ever taken a cross-country road trip, especially through Texas, knows that the way is polka-dotted with tiny little towns. Some of them are no larger than a gas station and a motel. Those towns have always creeped me out. I've walked into a roadside Dairy Queen and had a room full of backwoods eyes follow me up to the counter. Once, I stopped my car on the side of the highway just to poke my head out and look at the stars. It was mighty fast before flashes of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me poke my head back in. If I was the only person who got chills from inbred, tobacca chewers, we wouldn't have movies like The Hills Have Eyes, The Devil's Rejects or 2001 Maniacs. We most certainly would not have this prequel to a remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

In The Beginning, two brothers are on their way to enlist in the military and ship off to Vietnam. The eldest, Eric (Bomer), is marching off proudly to his second tour. What he doesn't know is that his brother Dean (Handley) is planning to detour to Mexico to dodge the draft. The pair are just beginning to hash out the issue when they and their girlfriends are run off the road. Sheriff Hoyt arrives on the scene and takes the two boys and Dean's girl Bailey (Baird) into custody. Instead of taking the group down to the stationhouse, they end up at the home of the Hewitts. Hoyt is actually head of the household, all dressed up like a lawman. The family is the last left in town after the slaughterhouse closed and drove most of the residents out. While Dean, Eric and Bailey suffer the Hewitts' demented sense of hospitality, Eric's girlfriend Chrissie catches up to them and attempts a daring rescue.

Generally, it's not in one's best interest to expect good acting in a horror film. Disappointment almost assuredly follows. (The only exeption to that rule might be a Hitchcock film.) That said, it was surprising to find the acting in TCM: The Beginning well above par. Taking center stage is R. Lee Ermey who plays Sheriff Hoyt/Mr. Hewitt. He's completely convicing as the disgusting, disturbed and dispicable head of a household of cannibals. If I ever met the actor, I'd have a really hard time turning my back toward him. The best out of the four kids in the movie is Handley, as Dean. Not only is he cute with his boyish blonde curls, but
his character has surprising strength. The rest of the cast is marginal. Andrew Bryniarski is the actor behind the leather face, but little more is required of him than a bit of lumbering about.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is advertised as the answer to everything you ever wanted to know about Leatherface. Even the filmmakers, when trying to explain themselves in the special features, don't lend very convincing support to the prequel claim. In reality, the only segment that gives any background to the legendary murderer's past is the brief series of scenes that backdrop the opening credits. Apparently, after the 2003 remake of TCM was released, the producers of the movie were innundated with questions from fans. It seems as though they took those questions, invented answers to them on the fly, and strung the rest of the movie together to fill in the gaps. The Beginning ends up being, in essence, TCM: The Remake Part 2; yet another retelling of the same scenario.

The movie is, however, quite gorey and with me, a little gore goes a long way. Every drop of blood was very realistic and all of the major components are covered. TCM: The Beginning satisfies the blood splatter, juicy organs, dismembered digits and gapeing body cavity cravings of a jaded horror fanatic. Want to see someone impaled on a rusty chainsaw? You'll get two. Want to see someone get their face peeled off? No problem. There was even one scene that turned my stomach a little and that's saying something. Full marks for gore gratification! (Honestly, don't let the kids watch this one.)

Although the story is getting tired at this point, it must be difficult to follow up one of the best horror movies ever made. Maybe it's the source material or maybe it's the "based on a true story" level of reality, but TCM: The Beginning does much better than your average fright fest. While it's not as fun as a movie like Cabin Fever, it is a bit traumatic. After watching it, you'll feel like you've been through something terrible.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 2

Alternate Recommendation: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Official Site
IMDB Page
Dr. Gore's review

Iron Man (2008)

Directed by: Jon Favreau
Format: On Demand
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jeff Bridges, Terrence Howard, Gwyneth Paltrow
Trailer

Good prospects seem to hit the movie theaters in waves. For a while, the sea of offerings lap dully at the shore of mediocraty. Then, a string of features with enticing trailers swells up and drenches the box offices. Again, the wave dies down and it's back to chick flicks and Will Ferrell comedies. Trouble is, I'm a poor surfer. I either get so wrapped up in the rest of life that I forget to make it to a show or I end up waiting on the same jerk who keeps promising to take me to the theater and never follows through. When I have money, there's nothing playing and when I'm broke the latest Scorsese or Wes Anderson flick comes out. Murphy's Law of movie going? Perhaps. Consider also the fact that I can hardly stand to spend my evening rushing to make a screen time only to be viciously wallet-raped at the ticket counter and then have the best parts ruined by some inconsiderate anus with a cell phone. Sigh. The fact that I missed watching Robert Downey Jr. zip around the big screen in a material representation of a Black Sabbath song is entirely due to the aforementioned jerk and my reluctance to give up on him. When will I learn?

Tony Stark is a millionaire playboy of the Bruce Wayne variety. He also happens to be an engineering genius. The corporation he inherited, Stark Industries, profits by conceptualizing and manufacturing arms. In an interview with a Vouge Magazine reporter (Sure, like Vouge is any kind of reputable news source.), he makes clear his apathetic and cynical views on heading a company that enables soldiers to blow each other up. In Filmland, a comment like that is sure to land you in Just Dessertsville, and so it does.

Stark is headed back from a demonstration of his newest missile, when his Hummer is attacked and its accompanying troops slaughtered. When he regains consiousness, he finds himself in the clutches of Raza (Faran Tahir), leader of some type of desert-dwelling tribesmen bent on destruction (shall we assume Al Quaeda here?). Guess who's weapons the bad guys are armed with? Guess what Raza wants Tony to make? And so, with the aid of fellow captive Yinsen (Shaun Toub), he builds a robotic suit of armor instead. Thus, Iron Man is born. Upon returning to civilization, Tony Stark announces that he's had a change of heart. He says his company will no longer be producing weapons, which of course, sends his business partner, Obadiah Stane (Bridges) into cardiac arrest.

While I've long been aware of the Iron Man comic's existence, I can't claim the ability to judge how the movie adaptation measures up. So, someone more qualified than I will have to chime in (hint, hint). What I can say is that the movie is chock-full of eye candy. Whether it's Downey's bulging (dare I say..."throbbing"?) deltoids (..yummy..) or wicked-bad CGI, Iron Man doesn't disappoint on the asthetic front. The effects are truly top-notch and if the film has no further redeeming qualities, it's almost worth it for this aspect alone.

The acting is pretty solid all around. I've got a serious crush on Robert Downey Jr. (gee, could you tell?) for some mysterious reason. Nonetheless, I wouldn't be afraid to admit if he'd done a lousy job. I think he was a great choice for Iron Man; he's fun to watch. What really impressed me was that the techies who drew up the costume CGI managed to capture the character's body language. Jeff Bridges, however, always makes me suspicious. I'm not sure if that speaks to his acting skills, or typecasting. In this case, my suspicions were justified. I could have sworn that Terrence Howard was the guy from Scrubs (turns out that's Donald Faison), but the guy is a lousy best friend. When Tony calls up his buddy Turk Dr. Christopher Turk (oh, now I see why I was confused) to show him the new toy he's working on, Howard's character just tells him that he needs to rest and think about producing more weapons of mass destruction. Some pal. The film's answer to Bond's Money Penny is Ms. Pepper Potts. Paltrow, as the sultry secretary/love interest, slinks around the screen in a wardrobe that Carrie Bradshaw would be envious of. She doesn't honestly do much, except bitch when Stark gets all ethical on her. But, she sure looks good doing it. It's not Gwyn's fault really; her character was written as an ornament. The only horrible acting was Shaun Toub (the bad guy) who was nearly as terrible as Dominic Purcell in Blade Trinity (or anything else for that matter).

Iron Man was marginally better than I had expected it to be. I've almost had enough of the comic-to-movie genre. But, Downey's performance was great as a jerk turned hero genius scientist and the CGI was eye-popping. I was pleased to see no time wasted on obligitory love scenes or weak comeback lines. The movie isn't, by far, any Oscar winning goldmine here, but it is a solid, entertaining piece of cinema. Go ahead and rent this baby and have yourself a good time. In many ways, Iron Man is what Hancock should have been.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 3 3/4

Alternate Recommendation: The Maxx
Official Site
IMDB Page
353 Haiku review

The Mangler 2 (2001)

Directed by: Michael Hamilton-Wright
Format: On Demand
Starring: Lance Henriksen, Chelse Swain, Daniella Evangelista, Miles Meadows, Will Sanderson
Trailer

I will watch almost any movie, once, depending on the situation. I shop the horror section, on most occasions, before venturing elsewhere. That being said, I'll explain the situation that led me to choose The Mangler 2 from my On Demand menu. A couple of weeks ago, in an attempt to get a handle on my love handles (watching movies all day will do that), I hired a personal trainer. This past Saturday, she worked me so hard that, on the following day, I was barely able to move due to muscle soreness. Taking this as the perfect excuse to shirk my responsibilities and lay in bed all day watching movies, I set about to do just that. Although I had just rented two perfectly watchable DVDs from the video store that prior evening, I decided to go for the cheap thrill. "Besides," I reasoned, "that Ellen Page movie would probably go better with a dusky light and a glass of wine."

The Mangler 2 centers around a group of private college students. Jo Newton (Swain) is the daughter of a neglectful father who happens to own the school. She is of the angsty/goth/hacker variety, although her "hacking" consists mainly of downloading programs from the Internet. She and her fellow school prefects are held back from a school outing because the jerk headmaster (Henricksen) wants to know who's defaced the school's website. Feeling pissed off and outcast from her classmates, Jo decides to infect the building's new high-tech security system with (dun, dun, duuuuun!) The Mangler 2 virus. Just as the program is busy downloading, class jock, Dan (Sanderson), climbs through her window and distracts her from her revenge. The two run off to join the others, Emily, Corey and Will (Dexter Bell) for an impromptu pool party.

After Jo brags about her newest prank on the school, the group realizes that they would be the prime suspects since they're the only students there. So, they all run up to the headmaster's office to fix his email and place the blame on someone else. As they make their way through the empty hallways, they begin to come across mangled faculty members. When one of their own is boiled alive by the sprinkler system, they realize that they've got to fight the machines for their lives and try to escape the grounds before they're all dead.

Here's a movie selection tip - whenever you see Lance Henricksen's name on the cast list, avoid at all costs. His filmography is a list of B-grade flops and cartoon voice-acting. Granted, there are a few exceptions, like Alien or (maybe) the first Pumpkinhead, but it's a safe bet that whatever horror movie he's involved in will suck horribly. The rest of the cast of "teenagers" is just as awful. Daniella Evangelista plays class slut Emily who is mainly just a set of boobs bouncing their way through the script. She'd be attractive if the camera never panned above her neck. Of course, The Mangler 2 includes the class stoner, Corey (Meadows) and the token black guy (Bell) as well. Chelse Swain only has one expression - the twisted mouthed angsty one - and she doesn't pull even that off very well. Midway through the movie, the school's chef (Philippe Bergeron) is added to the group of hopeful escapees. His anti-computer monologues could have been amusing if they weren't delivered in the most lame fake French accent ever. In fact, I didn't realize he was trying to be French until someone mentioned it in the movie.

Sometimes, I can overlook a sad plot and horrible acting if the gore is exceptional. Sadly, that wasn't the case with The Mangler 2. There is some blood splatter and a crazy, wire entangled, horny headmaster, but some of the murders are offscreen. In a horror movie, no kill should ever, ever be offscreen. None of the effects were nauseating or even shocking. The animated computer wires are laughable. Even Jo's animated fractal screensaver is pathetic.

I never saw the first Mangler movie. After having seen the sequel, I don't think I need to see another Mangler movie ever again. This movie was weak, it lacked imagination, there was hardly any gore involved, and the acting was scraping the barrel. Don't waste your time with this movie. I've seen porn with better acting. There are a million horror movies out there and I'm betting that at least 80% of them are better than The Mangler 2. Still, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen and for that, and that alone, I can't give it a 0 rating.

Overall Rating: 1/2 star
Hottie Rating: 1 star

Alternate Recommendation: an episode of Scooby Doo
Official Site (none found)
IMDB Page
DVD Verdict review

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Shutter (2008)

Directed by: Masayuki Ochiai
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, director feature, spirit photography featurettes, deleted scenes
Starring: Joshua Jackson, Rachael Taylor, Megumi Okina, John Hensley, Maya Hazen
Trailer

I thought the trend of Asian horror movie remakes was at an end. It apparently hasn't quite died yet. This time, instead of taking from the stock of Japanese films, the original Shutter was from Thailand. Nonetheless, the American version was shot in Japan by a Japanese director. According to his interview in the special features section of the disc, Ochiai attempted to stay as true to the original as possible. While I feel that to be an admirable trait, I remember being disappointed when I saw Ringu because it was so similar to the American version. When will American audiences learn to enjoy foreign cinema without having it tailor-made for us?

In Shutter (the English version), Benjamin and Jane have just gotten married. The happy couple plans to spend their honeymoon in Japan, where Ben has a photography shoot. He'll be working with his two pals Bruno and Adam who've set the couple up with a nice apartment and studio in an abandoned building. As the couple is driving in from the airport, Jane accidentally crashes into a girl standing in the road. When they regain consciousness, there's no body and the police find no evidence of an injured girl. Riddled with guilt, Jane begins to see the girl in window reflections. But Ben tells her she's imagining things and with the stress he's experiencing at the job, it's not a good time to bring this up. Apparently, the expensive photo shoot didn't go well. All of Ben's pictures developed with strange defects, just like their honeymoon roll. While Jane is flipping through her amateur shots, she notices the girl from the road is in all of them. Who is this woman, what does she want and what doesn't Jane know about her husband's past in Japan?

The main premise of Shutter relies heavily on the concept of spirit photography. A big deal in Japan, it hasn't quite hit Western shores (I always wondered where the idea for the game Fatal Frame came from). There are magazines filled with pictures of ghosts in Japan and it seems that Ben and Jane have managed quite a collection of their own. I think spirit photography is a fascinating idea and an interesting one to base a film around. But Shutter suffers from many of the same similarities as most of its predecessors. There is always the culture shock of American transplants to Japan and it always seems to be the girlfriends who are suffering. While Jane does a little bit better tackling the subway system than most, she's still feeling a bit lost and isolated. Just once, I'd like to see an American woman who's having a good time in that country.

Shutter also has the same brand of fear as most of the other films. There isn't really a gore factor and all of the terror comes in slow, suspenseful waves. I appreciate the fact that the filmmakers aren't constantly trying to make the audience jump at inane little things. However, I'm getting really tired of spooky long-haired chicks. In The Grudge it was scary. In The Ring it was a puzzle. In Shutter, it's just old news. This film does have the benefit of an interesting plot and a few unexpected twists, which makes it more enjoyable than it otherwise could have been and that's what saves it from just another Japanese remake.

All of the actors here are acceptable in their roles. None are really fantastic or will leave a lasting impression. Joshua Jackson makes a great loving husband who falls gradually from grace, but I didn't buy his fear. Seeing a character in a horror film truly convey their fright makes me feel afraid all the more. Jackson didn't do that for me. Jane (Taylor) never seems more than curious and frustrated. The Japanese actress, Megumi (who plays the ghost Megumi) doesn't have to do much more than move slowly. Bruno (David Denman) and Adam (Hensley) are really just sort of older jocks who've acclimated to live overseas. No depth there, I'm afraid.

I can't really confess any strong feelings either way on this movie. I did expect it to be terrible and it wasn't. It's just different enough of a movie to be interesting, but just similar enough to others to be boring. I don't regret the rental and the DVD's special features are good (just don't watch them before you see the movie). But, when you've seen one American remake of an Asian horror film, you've sadly seen them all.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 2

Alternate Recommendation: go see something in its original language
Official Site
IMDB Page
A.V. Club review

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Brainscan (1994)

Directed by: John Flynn
Format: On Demand
Starring: Eddie Furlong, Frank Langella, T. Ryder Smith, Amy Hargreaves, Jamie Marsh
Trailer

Lately, I've been stumbling upon some not-quite-classic-but-still-campy nuggets of recently-passed cinema. You know - not quite Casablanca and not quite MST3K. To be honest, it's mostly due to the fact that I'm lazy and broke and I haven't returned my Netflix movies in a while. But, being lazy and broke has its advantages, believe it or not. Namely, stumbling upon not-quite-classic-but-still-campy nuggets of recently-passed cinema. I digress. There's something to be said for hidden treasure. The risk in hunting for it is, of course, finding crap along the way. I came across Brainscan and, recognizing the name, decided to give it a chance.

It's the mid-nineties. Video games and computers offer limitless entertainment, but Michael Bower (Furlong) thinks he's seen it all. When his best friend Kyle (Marsh) calls him up to tell him about an intriguing ad in the latest issue of Fangoria, he takes a break from video taping the girl next door's bedroom window to respond. The ad is for a product called Brainscan and it promises an experience so realistic and terrifying that it's like no game ever played before. Feeling an affront to his teenage boy video game prowess, Bower takes on the challenge. Soon, disc 1 arrives in the mail. Brainscan leaps from the screen and takes over. Michael's mission is to go into a man's house and murder him (creatively) before the time limit is up. He's absorbed into the first-person perspective and completes the mission with time to spare. The next day he learns that a local man has been murdered and inside his freezer is the man's foot! How realistic is too realistic?

Brainscan is loaded with cool, outdated technology presented as cutting edge. Michael's phone is a voice-activated and crudely animated butler named Igor. The game discs are played via cartridge inserted into his DVD/disc drive device. Even the special effects are mid-nineties conceptions.

Who knew that Eddie Furlong was in anything except Terminator 2? In fact, looking over his rap-sheet, I don't see anything later than 1999 that I recognize. Really, would any of us recognize Furlong if we saw him now? I know plenty of girls who confess a crush on dear Eddie (oh, I'm sorry, Edward)from "back in the day". For his role as Michael Bower, just imagine John Connor with a little less rebellion but just as much of a techie fetish. Brainscan is entirely suitable for anyone with a Furlong habit. One of the most amusing characters in this movie was Trickster, played by T. Ryder Smith. Trickster is the goblin-like character that springs from the Brainscan disc. He's sort of the movie's version of Beetlejuice, but a little more punked out. At least he appreciates Primus. Smith plays him (underneath a lot of makeup) as an impish creature; ridiculous and odd, but perfect for the film and plenty of personality. The rest of the cast is the usual gathering of high-school misfits. They're not outstanding by any means, but likeable enough. None of them steal the spotlight from Furlong.

There are a slew of improvements that could be made to Brainscan to make it a better film. For one, Michael has the "Pipi Longstocking Syndrome". That is to say that he's got plenty of neat gadgets, no cash flow issues and, most importantly, absent parents. For another thing, I would have made the game's first victim the troublesome school principal, who cancels the boys' classic horror movie club. Kyle should have been a much more prominent character, being Bower's best friend, and could have been given a good deal more screen time. The topic of Micheal's mother is strong in the beginning of the movie. It seems as if it will be a major factor, but is never really developed.

To summarize, Brainscan isn't quite the film it could have been, but it's amusing to watch. It's not in the least bit frightening, of course, but it gets a smidge tense at times. I wouldn't go adding this movie to your personal collection, unless you're into this sort of thing, but rental (at a reasonable discount) is not something to shy away from. However, if you're into smoking a bit of the green stuff, or getting a bit tipsy (not that GP condones that sort of thing), it could be the perfect 96 minute diversion.

Overall Rating: 3 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Videodrome
Official Site (none found)
IMDB Page
The Austin Chronicle review

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The Devil's Backbone (2001)

a.k.a. El Espinazo del Diablo (Spanish title)
Directed by: Guillermo del Toro
Format: On Demand
Starring: Íñigo Garcés, Eduardo Noriega, Federico Luppi, Irene Visedo, Fernando Tielve
Trailer

I'd first seen a trailer for The Devil's Backbone some years ago in an art haus theater. I don't remember what I'd gone there to see, but I remember keeping this Spanish movie in the back of my mind. So, on a dark and stormy recent night after a few martinis, I'd only barely convinced myself not to stop at the video store on the way home. On Demand, I reasoned, would have to suffice in the name of my budget (Grey Goose martinis are seldom cheap). But, I was lucky that night and happened upon The Devil's Backbone in the horror menu. It was just the perfect selection for my mood and one I'd seemed to have put off for too long. I remember seeing del Toro in person, at a special screening of an early film in Austin. Of course, he went on to direct Pan's Labrynth, so the credentials behind this movie are substatial.

Somewhere, in a rural area of war-torn Spain, there is an orphanage. An old widow, Carmen (played by Marisa Paredes), runs the boy's home with the gold left behind by her late husband. After, Carlos (Tielve) loses his father, family friends leave him in the care of Carmen. With his stash of comic books and wind-up toys, the boy makes fast friends. Jaime (Garcés) is the resident bully and he's not terribly impressed with Carlos, and maybe a little jelous. During his first night, Carlos learns that the orphanage harbors a secret - there's a ghost roaming about. He also learns that the young handyman, Jacinto (Noriega) has a thirst for gold. The war hovers nearer their doorsteps and yet their greatest threat may come from inside. Is it the little boy's ghost or the greedy Jacinto that will ruin them all? What horrible secret is Jaime privy to? Where is the gold hidden and who will come out of this place alive?

History not being my strong suit, I couldn't begin to tell you which famous Spanish war is raging in The Devil's Backbone. del Toro knows though, and he seems fond of showing its effects on children. In both this film and in Pan's Labrynth, he depicts the orphans of this particular entaglement. While not concentrating on the fighting itself, he chooses to explore the lives of who may have been left behind. I tend to sympathize with his choice. Often, history is told of heroes and noble generals, not the underestimated courage of people on the fringe. His focus is poinant and special.

No matter what language, good acting shines through. For a child actor, Ferando Tielve does an impressive job. The majority of the boys do what they do best - be boys. The best character by far, was Irene Visedo. She plays a tough, amputee widow with dignity and grace. Íñigo Garcés was a little less convincing and I think he was chosen mostly for his eye-candy factor (if you're into that sort of thing). His girlfriend, Conchita (played by Irene Visedo) is a noble character, but really little more than an ornament in this film. All around, half of the cast acted suburbly and the other half was so-so.

The Devil's Backbone is really a story within a story. The dual plot keeps things interesting and the perspective of the young characters makes the film refreshing. I liked the way the movie was shot, with plenty of dusty browns and shadows. I think the bomb might have been developed a little more as an aspect of the film. It's hinted at and maybe some of the symolism escaped me, but it could have played a bigger part. This movie is not as fanciful, even considering the ghost, as Pan's Labrynth and I believe that there was more room for that fantastic aspect. One thing's for certain though, I shouldn't have waited so long to see The Devil's Backbone.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2 stars
Hottie Rating: 1, maybe

Alternate Recommendation: Pan's Labrynth
Official SiteIMDB Page
The Austin Chronicle's review

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Boy Eats Girl (2005)

Directed by: Stephen Bradley
Format: On Demand
Starring: Samantha Mumba, David Leon, Tadgh Murphy, Laurance Kinlan
Trailer

I have my issues with the free movies that come with my On Demand cable. Usually, it's hard to find anything worth the time to see. Most times, those movies are the ones you pay for. However, I've noticed that certain factors determine what goes onto the free menu and one of them seems to be country of origin. It appears that American audiences are reluctant to watch anything from foreign lands unless that movie has made it to the Oscars or has attained "cult status". Lucky for me, these are the kinds of movies I like to watch and I never balk at subtitles. While Boy Eats Girl does not require English subtitles, it does come from Ireland. Oh, and - bonus! - all the guys have delicious Irish accents!

Boy Eats Girl revolves around a foursome group of friends; Jessica, Nathan, Diggs and Henry. The four high-schoolers (although they all look like they're in their mid-twenties) have been friends for a while and Nathan's began to take a shine to Jessica. His friends arrange a meeting between the two to force Nathan to finally ask Jessica out. But, on that fateful night, Jessica's father won't let her out of the house and Nathan gets tired of waiting. As he's headed home, he catches sight of his potential girlfriend (who managed to sneak out eventually) in a car with another guy. His hopes dashed and his heart broken, he goes to his room and proceeds to drink heavily. As he's toying with the idea of hanging himself, his mother bursts in and accidentally completes the deed.

Previously, as his mother was painting a chapel, she'd stumbled across an ancient book of voodoo. So, she goes back to steal it and uses black magic to resurrect her son. As everyone knows though, if you mess with the dark arts, something's bound to go awry. Nathan wakes up the following morning with no recollection of the night's events and a terrible hunger he can't quite alleviate. He decides to show up at the school dance and ends up in a fight with the class bully. Guess who gets bitten. From that point forward, there's a string of gruesome incidents, eventually turning everyone in town into flesh-eating zombies.

If you've read a few of my reviews, you will have noticed that I heart gore. Boy Eats Girl does not disappoint in that regard. There's one scene in particular in which Jessica uses a piece of farm equipment to puree a group of attackers. It's lovely! Intestines spill, heads explode, internal organs are obliterated - in short, it's a lovely display! The dismembered pieces are a bit rubbery, but that can be easily overlooked in the name of comedy.

The essence of the film is one quarter romantic comedy, three fourths Shawn of the Dead. While the dialogue and the humor of Boy Eats Girl don't quite meet the level of the British film, it's not a total loss. For one thing, it wasn't nearly as hyped. The teenage team has the advantage of a stronger, faster Nathan who hasn't yet given in to the madness of the flesh. If you ask me, he should have eaten the class slut, but that's beside the point. The mother and son actually have a decent relationship, which is absent in most films about teenagers. The attraction between Nathan and Jessica is cute, but not particularly compelling. I was satisfied that the girl could kick ass. Plot-wise the movie was entertaining, not spectacular.

The cast is typically well-rounded; there's the slut, the bully, the dork and the stoner-types. Diggs (Murphy) and Henry (Kinlan) provide most of the comedic element. Mumba and Leon are okay actors and do quite a fair job. The worst cast member was probably Mark Huberman, who play class bully Samson. Random gang of zombies could have done a much better job of groaning and dragging their limbs. The worst they seem to do is hover about and gnash their teeth. There wouldn't have been anything wrong with a bit more horror.

So, as a discount rental or a free On Demand pick, Boy Eats Girl is a safe bet. It won't leave you in bed with the lights on and it won't have you holding your sides with laughter. On the other hand, the action and humor will hold your attention.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 3 (God, I love guys with accents!)

Alternate Recommendation: Fido
Official Site
IMDB Page
Dystopia Magazine review - Carol Sullivan is a bit more generous than I was.

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Atonement (2007)

Directed by: Joe Wright
Format: On Demand
Starring: Keira Knightley, Saoirse Ronan, James McAvoy, Romola Garai, Juno Temple
Trailer

**The movie is a Gummi Awards nominee for the Most Offensive Example of Animal Testing/Cruelty category.**

One of the great things I've discovered since I began The Gummi Awards contest is that I've been pushed outside my usual boundaries. Because I have committed to watch and review every movie nominated, I find myself venturing into genres I never would have otherwise. In fact, as much as I adore film and as often as I watch them, there are plenty that slip under my radar. I'd never even heard of Atonement prior to its nomination. It's not a movie I think I would have thought to see. I do enjoy drama, but only every so often and usually when it involves my favorite actors. I also steer clear of war movies in general and while Atonement doesn't center particularly around the war, it's a substantial aspect of the plot.

This movie takes place in London during the early part of the 1940s. Young Briony (Ronan) is a clever 13 year old girl. She was born into wealth and spends her time writing plays. She's got a crush on Robbie Turner (McAvoy), her elder of about 10 years, who works for her family. Robbie has fallen in love with Briony's older sister, Cecilia (Knightley). When Robbie writes a note to her, he gives it to Briony to deliver. But, it's the wrong note and when Briony sneaks a peek at it, she gets the idea that dear Robbie is a bit depraved. That very same night, she stumbles across the scene of a crime. Her cousin Lola is being raped and she catches the assailant in the act. Although she catches only a brief glimpse of the man, she tells the authorities that she's sure it was Robbie Turner.

Robbie is arrested and sentenced on Briony's testimony. Faced with doing time or joining the war effort, Robbie goes off to fight the Germans. Cecilia, who returns Robbie's love, commits to wait for him to return and shuns her family. Realizing what she's done by accusing the man her sister loves, Briony denys an education at Cambridge and enrolls in nursing school. While Robbie and Cecilia yearn to be together, Briony leads an almost nun-like existence, still writing and still hoping to make things right.

Make no mistake, Atonement is a serious drama. There's no comic relief and no airy atmosphere to distract from the tragedy. The love affair between Robbie and Cecilia is a tortured one full of longing, hope, and pain. Briony doesn't have it easy either. She is learning the full scope of consequences resulting from her action. Really, the story isn't about the pair of lovers, even though they get the majority of the screen time. It's truly about young Briony growing up and trying to cope with her actions. The plot is solid, well told and very moving. It's also inventive and original.

Atonement is superbly acted as well. I thought Ronan did the best of the three actresses who portray Briony. She's intense but childlike at the same time. McAvoy is so utterly charming that it's impossible not to fall in love with his character. Knightley is an actress that I haven't decided whether to like or not. I enjoyed her performance in The Jacket, but could barely stand her in the Pirates of the Caribbean films. Her portrayal of Cecilia in Atonement has swung her once again toward the positive verdict. Even the supporting cast does a wonderful job in each of their various roles. Lola is a veritable Lolita, but innocent all the same.

This movie was very depressing. Not on the scale of Eternal Sunshine, but close. However, I appreciate a film that makes me feel something over a bland romantic comedy. The love between the two main characters is palpable and I wanted every moment for them to be together. While it's Briony who's caused all the trouble, it's difficult to hate her completely. The ending was nicely done and unexpected. I love the originality of Atonement and the fact that it portrayed the horrors of war without making the leap to become a "war movie". It's a beautiful film and one that I recommend, as long as you have a box of tissues and a bottle of Prozac handy.

Overall Rating: 4
Hottie Rating: 4 1/2 (for the library scene)

Alternate Recommendation: The Illusionist
Official Site
IMDB Page
Salon.com review

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The Dark Knight (2008)

Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Format: Theater
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Trailer

Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig - Bond. Michael Keaton, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, Christain Bale - Batman. No matter who you put in the suit, some franchises live on. Some men fill out the suit better. Some men play the ladies' man with more finesse. But no matter how good or how bad, people always flock to the characters they know the best. That, my friends, is why movies like the 007 series and the Batman series will be revisited by the film industry over and over again. After Batman and Robin in 1997, I thought Hollywood had murdered my favorite caped crusader. When Batman Begins resurrected Gotham in 2005, my hopes were lifted a bit. So, did Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale disappoint in round 2? Does Heath Ledger's last performance live up to the "legendary" status his death has created?

In The Dark Knight, Batman is beginning to get a little bit of help. Officer Gordon (Oldman) has become Commissioner Gordon and a new district attorney, Harvey Dent (Eckhart), is ambitious enough to take on the mob. It looks as if Gotham City may finally see a ray of light at the end of a dark reign of crime. Hold off on that sigh of relief though, because organized crime may not be the biggest menace the city faces. A new face has arrived to challenge Batman, and it's a painted one. The Joker's got no fingerprints and no identity and he doesn't seem to crave power or money. So, how do you fight a man you don't understand? How do you deal with this new flavor of criminal?

In the original comic book series, The Dark Knight represented a more grim and introspective side of Batman. He was a Batman with a shadow over his head and one who was inherently more dangerous. But, the movie version doesn't present that same troubled hero. Instead, it makes Harvey Dent the shining light and Batman not much more than a ready and willing scapegoat. The plot, however, has intensified since Batman Begins. There's more at stake and not everyone will come out alive or unharmed. The appearance of The Joker does make an impact and it isn't business as usual anymore. There's more of a puzzle to be solved in this new movie. The new movie isn't without its' faults, however. There are a lot of unanswered questions at the end of 152 minutes. What happened to the Chinese crook who was so prominent a threat in the beginning? How did The Scarecrow get out of custody? Why isn't Wayne all that upset that his girlfriend is dating Dent?

Whenever a new actor comes along to fill the shoes of another, there's always a comparison. So, naturally, the question comes about, "Is Heath Ledger as good as Jack Nicholson as The Joker?" Well, my answer to that is, "perspective". It was 1989 when Nicholson donned the purple suit and clown makeup of Batman's greatest foe. There were a different set of expectations back then, and Nicholson filled them memorably. But, it's nearly twenty years since that moment and we're all expecting something different. Ledger is not the same Joker as Nicholson was. But, he wasn't trying to be. Initially, when I saw the trailers for The Dark Knight, I had the opposite impression. However, Ledger is a more thoughful character. There's more mystery behind him and a certain twisted logic that added depth. There's no goofy side this time. Granted, he wasn't nearly as "dark" as everyone told me he would be. Nonetheless, I loved him. Ledger did not disappoint.

Bale, as in the last film, isn't quite as satisfying. He doesn't suit the playboy Wayne role as well and he doesn't look as good in the mask. Something about Bale's mouth has always bugged me. And, what's with the voice? Caine as Alfred plays the perfect, if nagging, butler of Wayne manor. Morgan Freeman is a great new addition to the Bat-verse as Gotham's version of Q. Maggie Gyllenhaal was just annoying in The Dark Kight, although she wasn't bad in the previous film. Oldman is the perfect choice for Gordon and I applaud that casting call in particular.

Ever since the death of Ledger, The Dark Knight has been hyped beyond reason. There was a lot of expectation. I, for one, judged it even more harshly than I might have otherwise; approached the movie with more skepticism. It wasn't the directing, the script or the production team that made this movie a success. It was the actors. My faith in Batman remains strong. I never noticed the time go by.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: Hmm...2

Alternate Recommendation: Batman
Official Site
IMDB Site
rave Rolling Stone review

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Beerfest (2006)

Trailer

Directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar
Format: DVD - Unrated
DVD Features: Commentary, party foul featurette, frog fluffer featurette, deleted scenes, trailer
Starring: Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Cloris Leachman, Steve Lemme, Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan

**This movie was nominated for a Gummi Award in the Most Nauseating Vomit Scene category.**

America's favorite pastime? You think it's baseball? Well, I think it's drinking! I'd bet a case of your favorite brew that more people in this country drink than watch baseball. After all, what goes better at the ballpark than a pint and a bag of peanuts? So, it stands to reason that a few frat boy-ish comedies would be made about the golden elixer. If America is populated with beer-guzzling folks, what about Europe? More specifically, the famous land of Octoberfest - Germany?!

In Beerfest, two brothers, Jan and Todd Wolfhouse (Soter & Stolhanske), travel to Germany to deliver the remains of their grandfather. At Octoberfest, they manage to set off a Rube Goldberg type fiasco. Just as they're making their escape, the man their grandmother sent them to meet, Mr. Schniedelwichsen (Bjørn Johnson), rescues them and delivers them to the "real" drinking match - Beerfest! At this underground beer-lympics they learn about their family's past and have their butts kicked by the German drinking team. After returning to America in disgrace, they decide to gather the ultimate team of brew drinkers and train for next year's games.

This movie is sort of a Fight Club/Olympic Games mashup. There are a few lame gags - such as the German team spying on the Wolfhouse's in a submarine and the Jewish member of the team joining solely to beat the Germany - that will make you roll your eyes. It's not without its share of gratutious naked breasts either. There's even a frog ejaculating scene, just for gross-factor. The plot is very straightforward, as expected, and doesn't take a genius to understand. The German team is decidedly retarded, but not nearly as amusing as the Nihilists in The Big Lebowski. The movie does poke fun at itself. After one of the teammembers unexpectedly leaves the group, his twin brother shows up, needing no training and asking to be called by the same name. It's mockingly convenient.

What about dialogue? As typical of most movies of its ilk, Beerfest has a gaggle of puns and one liners. However, they manage not to drill them into the ground and a few lines incited a giggle or two ("Let's go get sour on some Krauts?"). The sight gags are on the same level. There's a sausage scene that reminded me of a few Austin Powers routines.

As befitting of a well-rounded team, there's a variety of characters involved in Beerfest. The director, Jay Chandraskehar, plays Barry - a prodigy at Quarters and ex prostitute. Landfill, played by Heffernan, is a hot-dog eating champ who used to work at the local brewery. The requisite geek on the team is Fink (Lemme) who has worked out the science of drinking. Together, they make a hilarious group and each actor has his moment. Cloris Leachman is delightful as the elderly German grandmother.

For the most part, comedy is not my bag. I've grown tired of the sight gags and potty humor. I like my laughs delivered in clever quips and sarcastic remarks. As I'm fond of saying, "I'm a Marx Bros. not a Three Stooges." From time to time though, I will indulge in a Scary Movie or two. I had my concerns about renting Beerfest and honestly only did so because of the rules of The Gummi Awards. Surprisingly, Beerfest wasn't half bad. I enjoyed the characters, the plot and the humor. It wasn't entirely low-brow either. The DVD production and special features were also above par. I'm happy with Beerfest and definately recommend checking it out at least once. It's even better with a few drinks under your belt!

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 1 (Barry kinda has it goin' on)

Alternate Recommendation: The Big Lebowski
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Best in Show (2000)

Directed by: Christopher Guest
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, added scenes, trailer, cast & crew
Starring: Eugene Levy, Cahterine O'Hara, Perker Posey, Christopher Guest
Trailer

***A character in this movie, Sherri Ann Cabot (Jennifer Coolidge), has received a Gummi Award nomination for Dumbest Blonde.***

If you're a dog lover, or just an animal enthusiast, you might have seen the Eukanuba or the Westminster dog shows. The preening, the prancing, the judging. They're the dog world's version of The Ms. America Pagaent. Believe it or not, there is a lot of money to be had in this business. Winners can charge sky-high fees for breeding, be hired for endorsements and the blue ribbon comes with a great deal of prestige. For some, this is the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup, the pinnacle achievement for handlers, owners and breeders alike. If you're not in the business, all of the special doggie diets and pet psychologists might seem a trifle silly. Christopher Guest took notice of all the silliness and fashioned a mock-umentary entitled Best In Show.

Best In Show follows the lives of five eccentric groups of contestants and their canines as they make their way through The Mayflower Dog Show. At home, contestants are interviewed about their backgrounds. Preparing for the big event are hotel staff, convention centers, judges and announcers. As the pressure mounts, and the big day is at hand, tempers flare, complications arise and the true characters of man and dog alike are revealed.

The key element of Best In Show is really the colorful cast of characters. The previous winners are at the Mayflower are the owner and handler of Rhapsody In White, a pristine white poodle. Sherri Ann Cabot (Jennifer Coolidge) is the wealthy and dim-whitted dog owner who travels to Philadelphia with Rhapsody's handler Christy Cummings (Jane Lynch). Equally ambitious are Megan and Hamilton Swan, two attorneys with the drive to take their Weimaraner to the top. The flamboyant owners of a little Shih Tzu, Stefan Vanderhoof and Scott Donaln, want to prance home with the blue ribbon as well. Another pair of contenders, Cookie and Gerry Fleck are the hometown types with their terrier, Winkie, in the running. Rounding out the contenders are Harlan Pepper and his hound dog.

There are a group of prize-winning scenes in Best In Show. One of which is the busy bee scene. The two owners of the Weimaraner are unbelieveably high strung. Posey plays the wife, Megan Swan, and when the couple lose the dog's favorite toy, a "busy bee", Megan tears apart their hotel room to find it. Then, she tears apart the mild-mannered petshop clerk downstairs. The amusing thing is that the dog involved could care less and Swan demonstrates that she clearly knows nothing about her dog. The couple who own the Shih Tzu are quite a pair as well. Scott is a flambouant homosexual, who amuses himself by shocking the straight-folk. His partner, Stefan is a more reserved queen and hairdresser. The two form an Odd Couple sort of relationship which garnered a few chuckles from yours truly. Sherri Ann Cabot is well-deserving for a Dumbest Blonde prize (although the verdict's still out). At one point in the movie, she steps up to the consession stand and orders a tub of popcorn, "half salt, half butter". Then, she muches away while awaiting a message from herself. The pair of commentators is also a quirky pair. Buck Laughlin (played by Fred Willard) handles the show as a layman, devoid of any sense of delicacy or knowledge of breeds. His counterpart, Trevor Beckwith (Jim Piddock) is the stuffy yet knowledgable gentleman. The pair play off of each other neatly.

Each of the actors in this movie play their characters with a straight face and pinpoint delivery. There really wasn't one player that I thought screwed the pooch on this one. I applaud all of the cast in Best In Show. Somewhat underappreciated, I suspect, are the dog actors in the movie. It's easy to forget that each of the animals in the film had to be trained, handled and rehearsed for their roles as well. The relationship each of the actors has with the dogs didn't just develop overnight. So, I'd like to give a great paws-up to all of the four-legged cast. The Rhapsody In White poodle was the best behaved and most convincing of the group (although the dog's real name is impossibly long).

Coming from the perspective of someone who's familiar with championship dog shows as a spectator, I thought Best In Show was a good laugh. It makes relentless fun of the obsessive dog showing crowd, but holds on to a realism that makes the comedy even more potent. As a someone who isn't typically a comedy viewer, it caters to my sense of humor and doesn't rely heavily on sight gags and low-brow fart jokes. So, if you're a dog lover or even a Eugene Levy fan, go out and rent Best in Show and have a laugh.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 0

Alternate Recommendation: This is Spinal Tap
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Dark Remains (2005)

Directed by: Brian Avenet-Bradley
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, trailer, behind the scenes, deleted scenes, prison featurette
Starring: Cheri Christian, Greg Thompson, Scott Hodges, Jeff Evans, Patrick G. Keenan
trailer

(Thanks go to our reader Carrie for suggesting this review!)

The loss of a child is an event that parents deal with in different ways. Although sadness is a natural response, grief can manifest itself in many forms. Some people feel anger. Some blame themselves. Some turn to a higher power. If the parents in question happen to be in a movie though, two methods of coping are almost guaranteed to surface. One of them is watching a lot of home movies (do people still make those?) and the other seems to be moving.

When the daughter of Julie and Allen Pyke is murdered, the couple decides to rent a cabin in the hills. Mr. Pyke hopes that the relocation will provide a welcome escape and a place for his wife to recover. Julie makes her living as a professional photographer, but lost interest in her camera after the incident. With a little prodding, Allen convinces her to take a look around and try a few snapshots of the area. When she stumbles upon an abandoned prison, something strange develops. Friends of the Pykes come to visit and leave in a hurry. The cabin's hillbilly caretaker tips the couple off about the prior occupants and their grim fate. When Mr. Pyke does some digging at the town library, he discovers a string of strange deaths. It's looking more and more like the couple should vacate the premisis, but Julie has decided to stay.

Dark Remains looks very much like a low-budget movie shot with a high-budget camera. The colors are crisp and vibrant. The shots are steady and focused. While not particularly creative as far as angles and technique go, the cinematography is solid and doesn't suffer from an overdone arthaus effort (like Fay Grim). I can respect that. I can also respect a special-effects guy who's handy with the latex, spirit glue and red corn syrup. His skills are more readily apparent in the special features than in the actual film (which, perhaps, is the true test). Thank goodness the filmmakers went the old-fashioned way when it came to makeup, because if this movie had any cheap CGI, I don't think I could have sat all the way through it.

Now that the few redeeming aspects of Dark Remains have been identified, I can set to work tearing this thing apart (sorry Carrie). Where do I begin? Ah yes, the - "acting". Julie Pyke, greiving mother, is played by Cheri Christian. She seems terribly familiar to me and I thought I may have seen her as Will's love interest in Good Will Hunting. Turns out that character was played by Minnie Driver (both have that powerful jawline and chipmunk cheeks). Her character suffers from a lack of committment at best. Every time Julie announces that she refuses to do something or is determined to do another, it takes mere seconds for her to change her mind. There's no serious emotion expressed by this woman, aside from an exceptionally brief and barely tearful breakdown. As it turns out, Christian shares a cast listing in several other movies with Greg Thompson, who plays Julie's husband, Allen. Thompson his hardly a better actor. His character is more of a father than a husband, constantly following Julie around and demanding to know what she's doing. He's annoying and also boring. The only actor in this movie who is reasonably watchable is Scott Hodges. He does his best with the script as the backwoods caretaker Jim. In fact, I'm not so sure that the man isn't a creepy hillbilly in reality. I don't even want to go into the few supporting actors that remain. Maybe I should take it easy on the actors though. Maybe they aren't really to blame for the terrible characters. There is, after all, the horrible script to consider.

After watching Dark Remains, I'm left with a series of questions. 1.) How does Allen find his wife at the prison, in the dark, when he's never been there before? 2.) Shouldn't it be the county's duty to chain the doors of the abandoned prison closed, not Mr. Pyke's? 3.)How does Julie find her way back into the prison without unlocking any chains? 4.)Why does the sherrif pop in for a visit, at night, only to harrass the residents, "you didn't kill your daughter, did you? I had to ask." 5.) Why does the movie otherwise completely neglect the subject of an investigation into their child's death? That could have made a better film than this did. 6.) After the prior resident shot himself, why did the cops leave the gun laying around for the next guy to find? 7.) In a horror movie, why does the actual discovery of a body happen off-screen?! 8.) What's the deal with the coffee/tea situation?

What's the scare factor in Dark Remains? Nearly nil. Admittedly, a couple of brief shots made me jump. The problem is that the few methods the filmmaker uses to try to scare the audience are the same three over and over again. One of them is to show a character in a close shot, show that person move, and have something creepy appear in the vacated spot. Another is to use reflections to show the aparitions and the third is a series of doors that move on their own.

The dialogue is so horrible in this movie, that it would almost be preferable to mute the damn thing and play some music instead. Wait, "almost"? I mean, "definitely". If I knew a good camera man and a buddy with a cabin I could borrow, even I could have done a better job than Brian Avenet-Bradley did. I guess that's what happens when the same guy writes, edits and directs the same movie. Thank god he didn't star in it. The producer/cinematographer? - I think she's his wife. Don't waste your time with Dark Remains. Even the trailer sucks. Sadly, it's still not the worst movie I've sever seen, which goes to show that I really will watch anything.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Shutter
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