Gummi Awards Results: Most Abrupt and/or Confusing Ending

The fifteenth category open to Gummi Award nominations was the one for Most Abrupt and/or Confusing ending. A couple of fantastic films were on the list, making this the most worthwhile category from our perspective. However, out of the three, we didn't find any of them to have a particularly baffling conclusion. American Gangster was solid piece of work by Ridley Scott. Maybe the friendship at the end was unexpected? Gone Baby Gone was also a decent flick. It conjures up some moral dilemma, but isn't remarkably truncated. Maybe what's mind-boggling is that Ben Affleck can actually direct? The only iffy resolution to be found among the three plot lines was the one in Premonition. It's a natural pitfall of stories dealing with time travel or precognition - the paradox. If so-and-so sees the future, does said future become inevitable or flexible? Premonition, even though it's not the best made film ever, wraps itself around the paradox rather well. But, out of the three, we decided that Anastocia's nomination was the most suited to this category. Congrats Anastocia! You win for Premonition!

Gummi Awards Results: Best Geek Sidekick

Now, it's time to announce the winner of the third category of The Gummi Awards - Best Geek Sidekick. The three nominations were True Lies, Van Helsing and National Treasure. While I'd originally imagined Bleeker (played by Michael Cera) from Juno as a pretty good geeky sidekick, I realize now that he didn't exactly qualify. The label "geek", after all, implies some specialized knowledge of electronics or gadgets or, at the very least, specialized knowledge of some subject above and beyond the normal level. I totally [heart] geeky guys!! To my great joy, someone out there found a fantastic example of geekery in Justin Bartha's portrayal of geek sidekick Riley Poole in National Treasure. That someone, and winner of the large bag prize, is Thanh! Thanks for giving me a new boyfriend (if only in my perverted fantasies).

Gummi Awards Results: Dumbest Blonde

The fourth category in The Gummi Awards is for the Dumbest Blonde in a film. Now, despite all the platinum in Hollywood, this category ended up with no more than two nominations. This award wasn't waiting around for a pre-concieved winner to appear either. So, no large bag prize was waiting in the wings this time. It's interesting that the woman nominated as the dumbest blonde in Best In Show (Jennifer Coolidge) also plays a supporting role in the other nomination, Legally Blonde. Although the seemingly obvious choice for this category would be the latter, we have to realize that Reese Witherspoon's character gets into Harvard law school completely under her own steam. She doesn't have her rich daddy buy her way in, she doesn't offer up a B.J. to the dean and she doesn't fake her credentials. Considering that gaining admission to said institution isn't something most women accomplish (blonde or otherwise), we can hardly consider Elle Wood "dumb". So, the winner in this category is Carrie for Best in Show (even though there's an even dumber blonde than Coolidge in the movie)!

Gummi Awards Results: Most Creative Ending Credit Sequence

I always appreciate when movie makers take into consideration how boring the average individual finds the white-on-black scroll of the ending credits. Instead, it too can be used as another creative outlet, adding a special element to leave the audience with as they saunter out of the theater. Jackie Chan, for example, uses the end credits as a chance to show his famous outtakes. When creating this category, I did have one specific film in mind. By far, the most thoroughly entertaining end credits I've seen come at the conclusion of A Series of Unfortunate Events, animated by Jamie Caliri. Given the choice between the two nominees (Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Monsters, Inc.), however, the hands-down winner is Kris with Monsters, Inc. (watch)! Congrats Kris!

Gummi Award Results: Most Inappropriate Musical Sequence

Skipping to number fourteen, there were two and only two nominations for Most Inappropriate Musical Sequence - This category wasn't one that I'd previously held a favorite for. It was suggested by a friend of mine and, considering how awkward I usually find musical numbers, I thought it would be an excellent category. Out of the two, I have to choose the one that was most out of place - Richard's selection; Almost Famous. While I loathed the majority of the singing in Sweeney Todd, it was expected to hear everyone break out in song.

Gummi Award Results: Most Accurate Book-To-Movie Adaptation

Half of the winners have been announced so far and Christmas is creeping ever closer. The thirteenth in the series of Gummi Awards will go to the movie with the Most Accurate Book-To-Movie Adaptation. This category required GP not only to view movies, but also to read the written works they were based on. Thank God nobody nominated Crime and Punishment!! There have to be hundreds of movies based on books or short stories. Only three of them made their way to this category's nomination list. The nominees were:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Mist
Perfume

There was the possibility, this time, of winning a large bag prize and if anyone had guessed Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, they would have won it. Terry Gilliam did such a wonderful job of translating Hunter S. Thompson's book for the screen that it's possible to read along with the film! Dialog is word-for-word. However, Patrick Suskind wrote a novel about a man who's olfactory sense was much more acute than his sense of compassion; his sense of humanity. Tom Tykwer had the task of creating a visual sense of smell. Not an easy task, to be sure. The director pulls off this feat, however, and made a very clever film out of Perfume. So, it's Carrie as the winner of the medium bag prize for her nomination. Congrats Carrie!!

Gummi Award Results: Most Crazy-Cool Carpet Design

Now for Gummi Award number 10, for the Most Crazy-Cool Carpet Design! We were beginning to get nervous, thinking that nobody else notices the carpets in movies. Are we strange? There was absolutely, definitely a certain film flooring in mind when this category was created. Did anyone guess? The nominees were:

Beetle Juice
The Devil's Advocate
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Shining

The movie that we were thinking of was....(drum roll)......Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas!! When you're tripping hard in the City of Sin, geometric squiggly patterns are horribly distracting. So, there was no large bag winner this round. However, there is a winner for the medium bag and that winner is.......Michelle for The Shining!! Congrats!!!

Gummi Award Results: Best Scene Involving Food

Number eight in The Gummi Awards, the category for Best Scene Involving Food, garnered only two nominations. Perhaps having human flesh removed from the menu ruined everyone's appetite for competition? There are a number of fantastic films that involve eating and many that focus entirely on the subject, such as Tampopo, Like Water for Chocolate and Ratatouille. Then there are A Christmas Story, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and American Pie that have memorable edibles. However, choosing between the two nominees, I must lean to the more visually appealing of the two films and choose Carrie's nomination - Pan's Labyrinth (a.k.a. El Laberinto del fauno)- for the medium bag prize.

Gummi Award Results: Most Awkward Moment

Category number seven of The Gummi Awards was the movie with the Most Awkward Moment. This one was originally intended to glorify the film with the most uncomfortable scene for the characters, rather than the viewer. However, upon closer inspection of the posted description, it appears that intention isn't immediately clear. Our bad. Here's what made our readers squirm:

History of Violence
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Slums of Beverly Hills

Personally, I find "69" to be horribly uncomfortable, but my personal life isn't the issue here! The medium bag prize for the best nomination in the Most Awkward Moment category goes to Michelle for Slums of Beverly Hills!! Yay Michelle!!! There's hardly a moment more embarrassing than being surprised by your dad while dancing to Give Up the Funk and swinging a giant vibrator around.

Gummi Award Results: Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles

The sixth pit stop in a race around the world was...oops....I mean the sixth category in the 2008 Gummi Awards was Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles. The five nominees in this oh-so-fun-to-judge category were:

Two for the Money
300
Top Gun
Thelma & Louise
Into the Blue

I have to nod my head at all of the nominees. All had acceptable tummy action. However, when considering drool-factor and the sheer number of glistening abs on display, one stands above all others. The winner of the medium bag prize is Rochelle with 300!

Gummi Award Results: Best Use of Dialog In a Single Scene

The fifth category (yes, I realize this isn't in order) of The 2008 Gummi Awards was Best Use of Dialog in a Single Scene. This was the only category that closed early, mainly because of the great turnout when it came to nominations. Best Dialog was definitely the most popular category. There were so many fantastic nominations, but none of them hit the mark for my personal favorite. For exceptional character banter, I would have accepted any Quentin Tarantino film for the large bag prize. The man has a way with words. As it was though, I had a very difficult time picking out a single deserving winner. The monologues from The Libertine and V for Vendetta were well crafted. I especially enjoyed the scene in V when the main character introduced himself, using virtually every V word in the dictionary. There was one nomination, however, that holds a special place in my heart (and is truly a dialog). For the medium bag prize in this category, the winner is Carrie with The Princess Bride!

Congrats Carrie!!

Gummi Award Results: Most Nauseating Vomit Scene

Today's prize will be awarded to the individual who made the best nomination in the Most Nauseating Vomit Scene category. Just two nominations made their way to Gummi Popcorn for this one. Beerfest, sadly, was disqualified because there was no vomit scene to be found in the actual film. GP could find nothing nauseating in the special features either. None of the readers out there managed to guess the film we had in mind when creating this category. Curious? The Most Nauseating Vomit Scene that we recall ever seeing is the endless pool of puppet barf in Team America: World Police. (are you slapping your foreheads now?) Watch, if you dare. So the winner of the medium bag prize by default (not that it wasn't a good suggestion anyway) is Michelle with The Exorcist!

Gummi Award Results: Most Overrated Leading Actor

Finally, the results are in! We've decided to release the answers "advent-calendar style" and announce one category each day until Christmas. It's our way of saying, "Happy Holidays" or maybe just our way of slow torture. Regardless, today's category is Most Overrated Leading Actor. The nominees were:

Tom Cruise
Russell Crowe
George Clooney

Amazingly, out of all of the leading men out there, only three names made their way to GP. The shocker is that someone managed to guess who it was that I had in mind when I invented this category!!! The winner of the large bag prize for this category is.....Thanh with Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise is unappealing, arrogant, short and a Scientologist (not to mention lacking skillz)!! I'd be more than happy if he never made another film. And by way of illustration, here's an MSN article about our loser...ooops, I meant winner.

Make sure to check in tomorrow to discover our next winner!

Casino Royale (2006)

Directed by: Martin Campbell
Format: On Demand
Starring: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Judy Dench, Giancarlo Giannini
trailer

I used to adore 007. The first six Connery movies have always been my favorites, but I imagine that I've seen the Roger Moore films several times over as well. When GoldenEye, with Pierce Brosnan, was released, I was excited for the genre to continue. However, I quickly grew tired of the franchise after that. The formula had gotten stale and I just wasn't enough of a die-hard Bond fan to stick around. So, I let Die Another Day, The World is Not Enough and Tomorrow Never Dies slip by practically unnoticed. (In fact, I still haven't seen those three.) I also admit to never having read anything by Ian Fleming, the novelist who created the character. So, although I've seen the majority of James Bond films, I can't hardly call myself a dyed-in-the-wool "fan". A new friend of mine, however, is and convinced me to give Daniel Craig a shot in the famous role.

If the movies had been made in the same order as the books, Casino Royale would have been the first. When the film opens, Bond doesn't even have his "double-O" status yet. When he gets it, he doesn't waste any time following rules. His first mission ends in a dead bomb maker and an explosion that sends an embassy in Uganda up in flames. Then, 007 proceeds to break into M's house, which doesn't make her terribly happy either. But, she seems more concerned about the fact that the bomb maker they were hoping would lead to a major arms dealer is now dead. James isn't flustered. He picks up on the trail again in The Bahamas and eventually follows it to a high-stakes poker game in Montenegro. His goal there will be to beat international terrorism's favorite banker, Le Chiffre, in a game of Texas Hold 'Em. If he loses, Le Chiffre gets away and the British government will have made a 10 million dollar donation to terror.

Casino Royale is set apart from all other Bond movies. Not only has the lead actor changed, but several previously common elements are missing. There are no flirtatious exchanges with Money Penney, for example. She's not even in the film. Also absent is the character Q and his gadgets. Bond's car had a very useful glove box, but there's no fancy introduction and no John Cleese. Both are ingredients I'd always enjoyed before, but was willing to let go - however reluctantly - in favor of fresh footage. Also noticeable is the greatly reduced presence of cheesy one-liners and sexual innuendo. A fond farewell to that!

What isn't missing in this newer film is action. If possible, it's even more amped up than before. One of the very first scenes involved Bond chasing a man through a construction site. I had to pause and re-watch it just to make sure I didn't miss anything. The stunts are fantastic and there's hardly any time at all to catch one's breath. It's almost super-human the way Marvin Campbell (stunt double for Sebastian Foucan) bounces around the set. Mad props to the stunt team! Another staple of the genre, namely beautiful women with unusual names, has also held its ground. This time, however, Bond uncharacteristically falls for one of them.

So, how is Daniel Craig as the new Bond? While I've never really found Craig to be an attractive man, I have to admit that he's got a marble figure in Casino Royale. He's a rougher version of the character; hard core and not afraid to get dirty. At the same time, he also manages the suave side of Bond quite convincingly. The gritty edge that Craig lends to the role is very appealing and refreshing. I was not disappointed. While Sean Connery will always have a special place in my heart, I have to call Craig a close second. James' love interest this time is Vesper Lynd, an accountant played by Eva Green. Green is a more elegant, intelligent "Bond-girl" than most and is strikingly lovely sans makeup. A witty match for Bond, I nonetheless never felt she was entirely trustworthy. The asthma afflicted, bloody-eyed La Chiffre owes his excellent portrayal to chisel-jawed Mads Mikkelsen. While not as dramatically intense as many previous villains, La Chiffre makes up for it in cold, calculating insanity. While the character himself could have used a few more examples of evilness (probably not a a real word), Mikkelsen made my skin crawl.

I whole-heartedly recommend this version (yes, there are others) of Casino Royale to anyone who's become jaded when it comes to movies about British agents with a license to kill. The opening credits kick some serious ass as well, accompanied by Chris Cornell's "You Know My Name". I enjoyed this film so much that I watched it again immediately after the first time. I just hate that Bond's signature card game - Baccarat - is eliminated in favor of Texas Hold 'Em; a game that's a little too "redneck" for my taste. It looks like I'm going to have to see Quantum of Solace now - despite the awful title - since it's the conclusion to this movie. That's right, Casino Royale is also the first 007 two-parter.

Overall Rating: 4 stars
Hottie Rating: 4 stars (Holy chiseled bod, Batman!)

Alternate Recommendation: Dr. No
Official Site
IMDB Page
A Nutshell Review review

Christmas Evil (1980)

a.k.a. You Better Watch Out
Directed by: Lewis Jackson
Format: On Demand
Starring: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Peter Neuman, Joe Jamrog
clip

Christmas is such a major event, celebrated internationally, that it's no surprise the holiday has developed its own sub-genre in the film world. Most of us are familiar with the seasonal classics, like A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life. Those titles were made for the holiday and, like pumpkin pie, are usually enjoyed only once a year. There is an abundance of Christmas comedies, possibly because the time of year is so closely associated with cheer and joy. Bad Santa, Fred Claus and the upcoming Four Christmases immediately spring to mind. Christmas drama also abounds with titles like A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street and The Nativity Story. However, there is a lesser-known category; the Christmas horror. Being a person who tends to lean toward the darker side of everything anyway, my two current holiday favorites are The Nightmare Before Christmas (big surprise there) and Gremlins (it is to a Christmas movie!). That being said, it surprises me that I haven't seen much more of what the industry has to offer in the way of sugarplum nightmares. Last night, in an attempt to rectify this deficiency, I took a chance on Christmas Evil.

When Harry Stadling was a child, he witnessed his mom and Santa having a little "naughty time" under the Christmas tree. For some reason, it scarred the boy, causing him to be obsessed with the holiday. The middle-aged Harry sleeps in a Santa suit, hums holiday tunes and even works at a toy factory. He spends his off-time spying on the neighborhood children and logging their activities in his volumes of "naughty and nice" records. Not surprisingly, Harry isn't a popular kind of guy. People at work take advantage of him and he's increasingly irritated at the world for failing to grasp the true spirit of his favorite holiday. This year, he's finally had enough. He decides to don a white beard, paint a sleigh on his van and distribute some justice.

Brandon Maggart plays the older, disturbed main character and it's hard to say whether or not he's really a bad guy. Sure, he's a murderer and a weirdo, but as the filmmakers are fond of pointing out, maybe what society really needs is the fear of Santa to remind them to behave. Besides, kids seem to love the guy. I still wouldn't want to sit on his lap. Considering that Christmas Evil is practically a one-man show, Maggart carries it pretty well. He succeeds in being supremely creepy but not entirely loathsome. Harry's older brother Philip is really terrible. He's terrible because his character is such a jerk and terrible because Jeffrey DeMunn does such a poor job in the role. Philip is even less likable than the villain.

There isn't enough room here to describe all of the aspects of this movie that make no sense at all. The most puzzling of which, being why Harry's childhood peeping caused him to become a crazy, red-suited killer. I suspect there's a possible Oedipus Complex happening here, but that's a little bit of a stretch. In one odd scene, Harry has crept into the bushes surrounding one naughty child's house. He covers his face and hands in black mud and presses them up against the siding, leaving imprints. Later, the camera pans back to those same black marks, but why? Is it just so that we all know who's house we're looking at? Sorry Jackson, but you lost me here. In another bizarre moment, the young Harry, Philip and their mother are watching Harry's father climb down the chimney and stuff stockings. The three observers are sitting silently on the staircase, cast in strange lighting and not speaking. Was this supposed to be scary?

The entire 100 minutes of Christmas Evil is just uncomfortable; like being molested by a dirty old uncle. There's something totally creepy and uneasy about the whole situation. Nevermind that the movie is obviously low-budget (which isn't always a bad thing) and the plot and acting are weak. The lighting is wacky and the sets and wardrobe stink of moldy 70's stylings. Most of the story is unexplained and what little gore there is lacks inspiration. It's hard to tell whether the audience is meant to hate the main character or root for him or whether any part of this movie should be taken seriously. The only way I'd consent to watching Christmas Evil again is if it was part of an MST3K episode. Not a good result of my first foray into the Christmas horror sub-genre.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Gremlins
Official Site (the best I could do)
IMDB Page
DVD In My Pants review

Into the Blue (2005)

Directed by: John Stockwell
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, commentary, screen tests, deleted scenes, star interviews
Starring: Jessica Alba, Paul Walker, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin
extra long trailer

***This movie has been nominated for a Gummi Award in the Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles category.**

Ah, the ocean. The wide open sea. The boundless horizon of waves and adventure. The bounty of life teeming just below its surface...The myriad of terrifying ways to die...the lack of oxygen...the raging storms..the minuscule jellyfish that can cause days of incredible pain... Yeah, the ocean? Not so much fun for me. The ocean is something that demands respect and if you forget that for a moment, that's the moment she kills you. Nothing short of a bottle full of Valium and a million dollars will ever get me on a boat. While I'm content to view its amazing glory from shore and play cautiously in the surf, there are millions of people who make their living on ships.

In fact, the heroes of Into the Blue hardly spend a moment on dry land. Jared is a diver and amateur treasure hunter who dreams of the big score. His girlfriend, Sam, studies sharks (or maybe just works at Sea World) and is perfectly content with the humble life they lead. Enter Jared's buddy and cocky young lawyer, Bryce. Bryce has his newly acquired young whor..I mean "girlfriend" in tow and the pair have flown in to vacation in the Bahamas. The four borrow a yacht from one of Bryce's clients and go out for a dive. While poking around in the sand, Jared and Sam find some clues that could lead them to a major discovery. The trouble is, the group also finds an airplane wreck and it's full of cocaine. Trying to keep the buried treasure to themselves until they can acquire the equipment to dig it up and stake their claim could be difficult. Nobody looses a cargo plane full of blow and neglects to go looking for it.

So, naturally the plot here leaves much to be desired. Poor Jared is so down and out that he can't afford a ship of his own or any treasure hunting equipment. However, I wonder where this twenty-something guy got the dough to be living in the Bahamas in the first place. Plus, he's dating Jessica Alba so it's a little hard to feel sorry for him. His former boss and gold seeking rival, played by Josh Brolin, appears whenever it's important to egg on the main characters, but is he really making money digging up sunken artifacts? I realize that The Bahamas are just a small group of islands, but I didn't realize that it's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody else. In Into the Blue, the whole scenario wraps up as neatly as a Guy Ritchie flick, but without all the style and class. Awfully convenient but terribly uninspired.

The acting is tolerable on the part of Alba and Paul Walker (who plays Jared), but everyone else, including Brolin, sink to the watery depths of forgetful performances. There are only two real reasons why this movie was made. Reason one: to show off Jessica Alba's nearly naked body. The girl is undeniably hot, but in this film, she's almost skeletal. As a vegetarian, I never thought I'd say this, but girlfriend needs a Big Mac. Besides, how many shots of her ass can they fit into one movie anyway? The second reason, and the only thing that redeems this crappy movie, is the beautiful underwater cinematography. It far outshines any other aspect of this movie. If only they could cut out the scenes of the mediocre gangsters, snore-inducing plot and empty air tank gauges and just show the spectacular fish and crystal blue heaven, I might actually be willing to watch Into the Blue a second time.

The verdict? This movie sucks and not just because I'm a confirmed landlubber. Hell, Jaws, The Abyss and Pirates of the Caribbean all get the "thumbs up" from yours truly (I guess you don't have to wait for those reviews). I was all prepared to nod approvingly at the movie's fair depiction of sharks too, and then Mr. Seven Rows of Teeth took a chunk out of someone. Sigh. This was one of those movies that I saw the trailer for and thought, "Not gonna see that one". But then someone (thank you Kris) had to go and nominate it for a Gummi Award!

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: The Abyss
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Village Voice review

Links: Swagology

While seeking inspiration and curious about movie promo items, we wandered the webs and stumbled upon this little gem. It's The Onion A.V. Club's article featuring some of the swag the team has received from various studios. Highly amusing and head-tilt inducing.

Horror-thon 2008

Success!! GP survived 8 unending hours of pure horror yesterday, in preparation for this most phantasmic of holidays. Below are 10 mini-reviews (in no particular order), cooked up for your viewing pleasure. Hold on to your pointy hats.....!

1. 2001 Maniacs (2005)- Dir. by Tim Sullivan. Star. Robert Englund.

2001 Maniacs is the tale of a crew of three college boys off to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. Instead, an unexpected detour takes them to a place called Pleasant Valley. While it's not as far South as Florida, the place is certainly "deep South". Englund plays the town mayor, who sports a Confederate Flag eye patch and a hokey twang. The townsfolk are amazingly generous, but more than a little bit creepy. Excitement for the big feast abounds, but fewer and fewer outsiders seem to be likely to make it to the event...alive anyway. Aside from the fact that the title may have just as well have been 2001 Boob Shots, 2001 Maniacs was highly amusing. The movie shares many intentional similarities to Cabin Fever. So, if you enjoyed watching that one, you'll love this movie. This movie doesn't take itself seriously for a second and that's part of what makes it so much fun. I still don't think Englund would have a career if it wasn't for Freddy Kreuger.

3 stars. trailer

2. Halloween (2007) - Dir. by Rob Zombie. Star. Malcolm McDowell

So many people have told me that they were disappointed with Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween that I was prepared to be disappointed. After finally seeing the film, I would consider it less of a "remake" than an "homage". Zombie has always made it abundantly clear, even prior to his directorial debut, that he is a fan of the genre. He pays a great deal of respect to the original work. The first half of the movie is the background story of how Michael Myers came to be the psychopathic killer he is known as. The second half is a rehash (or an update) of the events in the original film. I found myself completely satisfied with the Rob Zombie version. It shed much light into the main character while respecting John Carpenter's vision.

4 stars. trailer

3. Vampire Diary (2007) - Dir. by Mark James & Phil O'Shea. Star. Anna Walton

Vampire Diary is a film out of the UK. It begins as the story of documentary filmmaker, Holly, who is busy following a group of so-called "vampires" about. This group of club-kids are truly nothing more than pretenders, dancing around in black eyeliner and latex. It's while she's filming them, however, that she meets a mysterious woman named Vicki. Vicki is a completely different breed. The second part of this story covers the somewhat tragic lesbian relationship between Holly and Vicki. Vampire Diary has a very amateur feel that gives the film a gritty edge and a distinctly UK underground flavor. It has a tendency to drag a bit in the middle and it is certainly not typical of vampire movies. The best part is really watching Anna Walton.

2 1/2 stars. trailer

4. The Happening (2008) - Dir. by M. Night Shyamalan. Star. Mark Wahlberg

The latest from M. Night Shyamalan seems to have gotten just as bad of a rap as The Village did. Call me biased, but I don't think this director has yet to make a "bad" movie. In The Happening, a mysterious event has spread throughout the East Coast, causing people to commit suicide en masse. School Science teacher Elliot Moore, his wife and their friend learn that the airborn toxin is wafting to Philadelphia and decide to join the exodus out of town. I thought the storyline for The Happening was an inspired one; very original. There were some extremely disturbing scenes, most memorable of them being at the construction site. However, the movie suffers from one major flaw. It's name is Mark Wahlberg. While I appreciate the man's acting for the most part, he was awful in The Happening. A cardboard cutout of the actor would have done just as well and had to have been paid far less.

3 stars. trailer

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) - Dir. by Tim Burton. Star. Johnny Depp

When I heard that Burton was going to give the classic story of Sweeney Todd his special treatment, I was ecstatic. When I learned that it was going to be a musical, I was less enthusiastic. When I actually heard Depp and Bonham Carter sing, I was nauseated. The costume and sets in this movie are the most gloriously theatrical since Pee Wee's Big Adventure. There is good deal of blood spraying and gushing about, but it all looks (intentionally, I suspect) rather fake. The plot is truly deserving of the "classic" badge of honor, by the way, and would seem to lend itself well to a director who dabbles in the dark and delightful. Wonderfully stylistic, as Burton tends to be, but marred significantly by the lead actors' serious lack of any vocal skill whatsoever.

2 stars. trailer


6. Invasion (2007) - Dir. Oliver Hirschbiegel. Star. Nicole Kidman

This story has had many incarnations, from the original, black and white, 1956 version to the 1993 stingray creature version. It hasn't gotten any less creepy. My personal favorite was the 1978 Donal Sutherland version. Regardless, the concept that those around us might all someday turn against us is inherently sinister. Kidman and Daniel Craig struggle through this latest version, trying to remain unturned. The story is basically the same as in past renditions. The two stars are convincing and do their roles proud. I think Invasion is now my second favorite telling of the Body Snatchers story.

3 stars. trailer

7. Quaranine (2008) - Dir. John Erick Dowdle. Star. Jennifer Carpenter

Initial trailers for this film had me saying, "That looks like the dumbest movie ever." But, since it was the only horror film playing at my neighborhood theater on the dark and stormy night that I insisted on driving that extra mile down the highway, I ended up seeing Quarantine anyway. It just goes to show how deceiving trailers can be. The entire film is shot through a hand-held videocam, exactly like Blair Witch was. So, until the 20 minutes that it takes to get used to the unsteady picture passes, you may be a little motion sick. While it is, on the one hand, sometimes frustrating to have the audience's vision restricted to the perspective of one character in the film, on the other, the restriction heightens the sensation that someone may be creeping up behind. The story is interesting and takes advantage of paranoia as its main scare tactic. A pleasant surprise and the only one of these 10 films that actually frightened me at all.

3 stars. trailer

8. The Reaping (2007) - Dir. Stephen Hopkins. Star. Hillary Swank

The Reaping centers around a college professor, who travels the world in order to disprove so-called miracles. Because of her reputation, the town of Haven sends a school teacher to meet her and request her aid with one of their own mysteries. It seems that the town's entire river has turned to blood. It seems also, that if Katherine doesn't agree to help, a young girl's life may be in danger. As she sets about applying her scientific methods to explain the phenomenon, the town is visited by a series of biblical plagues and it becomes harder for Katherine to deny a supernatural cause. The Reaping was not disappointing, mainly because I didn't think it would be any good in the first place. The "twist" ending is trite and predictable. The acting is mediocre. One thing I was grateful for was the absence of focus on the apparently tempting topic of a black man in the South.

3 stars. trailer

9. Shiver (2008) a.k.a. Eskalofrio - Dir. Isidro Ortiz. Star. Julio Valverde

Shiver comes to America from the same people who brought us The Devil's Backbone and Pan's Labyrinth. It's the tale of a young man with an allergy to sunlight and his single mother. To avoid the bullying and health issues of living in the city, the pair move to a town in a shady valley. When villagers begin to die, their blood sucked from their bodies, guess who's the main suspect? I detest the American name for this film, but that's just about the only thing I found objectionable about it.

3 1/2 stars. trailer

10. The Number 23 - Dir. Joel Schumacher. Star. Jim Carrey

While I am not a fan of Carrey's brand of comedy, I do enjoy him in dramatic roles. In The Number 23, he plays a dog catcher who is, while bored at work, happily married with a son. On his birthday, his wife gives him a small-press paperback that cause him to correlate everything to the number 23. Save yourself the trouble and rent Pi instead.

2 1/2 stars. trailer

Update: Halloween Plans

GP had planned a nice, relaxing vacation down to our beloved Austin, Texas for the holiday weekend. However, due to unforseen and tragic circumstances, we had to cancel our trip (Luckily, we won't miss out on any party action for our most favored holiday). What that means for you is, we have the opportunity to present a special event.

Last year, Gummi Popcorn posted a list of our favorite 10 Horror recommendations. This year, we will begin monster movie maddness (starting immediately after this is posted) which will last for eight grueling hours. At the end of it, GP will post 10 (count 'em) mini reviews. Each one will be a movie never before reviewed at GP and each will be even more terrible than the last!! (OooooOOOOooooh!). To keep up our strength, we have fortified our castle with Bloody Mary's and salted nuts. Will we survive so many straight hours of Hell??

Wait and see.....

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, deleted scenes, trailer, featurette
Starring: Taylor Handley, Jordana Brewster, Diora Baird, Matthew Bomer, R. Lee Ermey
trailer

Anyone who's ever taken a cross-country road trip, especially through Texas, knows that the way is polka-dotted with tiny little towns. Some of them are no larger than a gas station and a motel. Those towns have always creeped me out. I've walked into a roadside Dairy Queen and had a room full of backwoods eyes follow me up to the counter. Once, I stopped my car on the side of the highway just to poke my head out and look at the stars. It was mighty fast before flashes of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me poke my head back in. If I was the only person who got chills from inbred, tobacca chewers, we wouldn't have movies like The Hills Have Eyes, The Devil's Rejects or 2001 Maniacs. We most certainly would not have this prequel to a remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

In The Beginning, two brothers are on their way to enlist in the military and ship off to Vietnam. The eldest, Eric (Bomer), is marching off proudly to his second tour. What he doesn't know is that his brother Dean (Handley) is planning to detour to Mexico to dodge the draft. The pair are just beginning to hash out the issue when they and their girlfriends are run off the road. Sheriff Hoyt arrives on the scene and takes the two boys and Dean's girl Bailey (Baird) into custody. Instead of taking the group down to the stationhouse, they end up at the home of the Hewitts. Hoyt is actually head of the household, all dressed up like a lawman. The family is the last left in town after the slaughterhouse closed and drove most of the residents out. While Dean, Eric and Bailey suffer the Hewitts' demented sense of hospitality, Eric's girlfriend Chrissie catches up to them and attempts a daring rescue.

Generally, it's not in one's best interest to expect good acting in a horror film. Disappointment almost assuredly follows. (The only exeption to that rule might be a Hitchcock film.) That said, it was surprising to find the acting in TCM: The Beginning well above par. Taking center stage is R. Lee Ermey who plays Sheriff Hoyt/Mr. Hewitt. He's completely convicing as the disgusting, disturbed and dispicable head of a household of cannibals. If I ever met the actor, I'd have a really hard time turning my back toward him. The best out of the four kids in the movie is Handley, as Dean. Not only is he cute with his boyish blonde curls, but
his character has surprising strength. The rest of the cast is marginal. Andrew Bryniarski is the actor behind the leather face, but little more is required of him than a bit of lumbering about.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is advertised as the answer to everything you ever wanted to know about Leatherface. Even the filmmakers, when trying to explain themselves in the special features, don't lend very convincing support to the prequel claim. In reality, the only segment that gives any background to the legendary murderer's past is the brief series of scenes that backdrop the opening credits. Apparently, after the 2003 remake of TCM was released, the producers of the movie were innundated with questions from fans. It seems as though they took those questions, invented answers to them on the fly, and strung the rest of the movie together to fill in the gaps. The Beginning ends up being, in essence, TCM: The Remake Part 2; yet another retelling of the same scenario.

The movie is, however, quite gorey and with me, a little gore goes a long way. Every drop of blood was very realistic and all of the major components are covered. TCM: The Beginning satisfies the blood splatter, juicy organs, dismembered digits and gapeing body cavity cravings of a jaded horror fanatic. Want to see someone impaled on a rusty chainsaw? You'll get two. Want to see someone get their face peeled off? No problem. There was even one scene that turned my stomach a little and that's saying something. Full marks for gore gratification! (Honestly, don't let the kids watch this one.)

Although the story is getting tired at this point, it must be difficult to follow up one of the best horror movies ever made. Maybe it's the source material or maybe it's the "based on a true story" level of reality, but TCM: The Beginning does much better than your average fright fest. While it's not as fun as a movie like Cabin Fever, it is a bit traumatic. After watching it, you'll feel like you've been through something terrible.

Overall Rating: 3 1/2
Hottie Rating: 2

Alternate Recommendation: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Official Site
IMDB Page
Dr. Gore's review