Into the Blue (2005)

Directed by: John Stockwell
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailers, commentary, screen tests, deleted scenes, star interviews
Starring: Jessica Alba, Paul Walker, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin
extra long trailer

***This movie has been nominated for a Gummi Award in the Best Gratuitous Display of Abdominal Muscles category.**

Ah, the ocean. The wide open sea. The boundless horizon of waves and adventure. The bounty of life teeming just below its surface...The myriad of terrifying ways to die...the lack of oxygen...the raging storms..the minuscule jellyfish that can cause days of incredible pain... Yeah, the ocean? Not so much fun for me. The ocean is something that demands respect and if you forget that for a moment, that's the moment she kills you. Nothing short of a bottle full of Valium and a million dollars will ever get me on a boat. While I'm content to view its amazing glory from shore and play cautiously in the surf, there are millions of people who make their living on ships.

In fact, the heroes of Into the Blue hardly spend a moment on dry land. Jared is a diver and amateur treasure hunter who dreams of the big score. His girlfriend, Sam, studies sharks (or maybe just works at Sea World) and is perfectly content with the humble life they lead. Enter Jared's buddy and cocky young lawyer, Bryce. Bryce has his newly acquired young whor..I mean "girlfriend" in tow and the pair have flown in to vacation in the Bahamas. The four borrow a yacht from one of Bryce's clients and go out for a dive. While poking around in the sand, Jared and Sam find some clues that could lead them to a major discovery. The trouble is, the group also finds an airplane wreck and it's full of cocaine. Trying to keep the buried treasure to themselves until they can acquire the equipment to dig it up and stake their claim could be difficult. Nobody looses a cargo plane full of blow and neglects to go looking for it.

So, naturally the plot here leaves much to be desired. Poor Jared is so down and out that he can't afford a ship of his own or any treasure hunting equipment. However, I wonder where this twenty-something guy got the dough to be living in the Bahamas in the first place. Plus, he's dating Jessica Alba so it's a little hard to feel sorry for him. His former boss and gold seeking rival, played by Josh Brolin, appears whenever it's important to egg on the main characters, but is he really making money digging up sunken artifacts? I realize that The Bahamas are just a small group of islands, but I didn't realize that it's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody else. In Into the Blue, the whole scenario wraps up as neatly as a Guy Ritchie flick, but without all the style and class. Awfully convenient but terribly uninspired.

The acting is tolerable on the part of Alba and Paul Walker (who plays Jared), but everyone else, including Brolin, sink to the watery depths of forgetful performances. There are only two real reasons why this movie was made. Reason one: to show off Jessica Alba's nearly naked body. The girl is undeniably hot, but in this film, she's almost skeletal. As a vegetarian, I never thought I'd say this, but girlfriend needs a Big Mac. Besides, how many shots of her ass can they fit into one movie anyway? The second reason, and the only thing that redeems this crappy movie, is the beautiful underwater cinematography. It far outshines any other aspect of this movie. If only they could cut out the scenes of the mediocre gangsters, snore-inducing plot and empty air tank gauges and just show the spectacular fish and crystal blue heaven, I might actually be willing to watch Into the Blue a second time.

The verdict? This movie sucks and not just because I'm a confirmed landlubber. Hell, Jaws, The Abyss and Pirates of the Caribbean all get the "thumbs up" from yours truly (I guess you don't have to wait for those reviews). I was all prepared to nod approvingly at the movie's fair depiction of sharks too, and then Mr. Seven Rows of Teeth took a chunk out of someone. Sigh. This was one of those movies that I saw the trailer for and thought, "Not gonna see that one". But then someone (thank you Kris) had to go and nominate it for a Gummi Award!

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 2 stars

Alternate Recommendation: The Abyss
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Village Voice review

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

Directed by: Stephen Bradley
Format: On Demand
Starring: Samantha Mumba, David Leon, Tadgh Murphy, Laurance Kinlan
Trailer

I have my issues with the free movies that come with my On Demand cable. Usually, it's hard to find anything worth the time to see. Most times, those movies are the ones you pay for. However, I've noticed that certain factors determine what goes onto the free menu and one of them seems to be country of origin. It appears that American audiences are reluctant to watch anything from foreign lands unless that movie has made it to the Oscars or has attained "cult status". Lucky for me, these are the kinds of movies I like to watch and I never balk at subtitles. While Boy Eats Girl does not require English subtitles, it does come from Ireland. Oh, and - bonus! - all the guys have delicious Irish accents!

Boy Eats Girl revolves around a foursome group of friends; Jessica, Nathan, Diggs and Henry. The four high-schoolers (although they all look like they're in their mid-twenties) have been friends for a while and Nathan's began to take a shine to Jessica. His friends arrange a meeting between the two to force Nathan to finally ask Jessica out. But, on that fateful night, Jessica's father won't let her out of the house and Nathan gets tired of waiting. As he's headed home, he catches sight of his potential girlfriend (who managed to sneak out eventually) in a car with another guy. His hopes dashed and his heart broken, he goes to his room and proceeds to drink heavily. As he's toying with the idea of hanging himself, his mother bursts in and accidentally completes the deed.

Previously, as his mother was painting a chapel, she'd stumbled across an ancient book of voodoo. So, she goes back to steal it and uses black magic to resurrect her son. As everyone knows though, if you mess with the dark arts, something's bound to go awry. Nathan wakes up the following morning with no recollection of the night's events and a terrible hunger he can't quite alleviate. He decides to show up at the school dance and ends up in a fight with the class bully. Guess who gets bitten. From that point forward, there's a string of gruesome incidents, eventually turning everyone in town into flesh-eating zombies.

If you've read a few of my reviews, you will have noticed that I heart gore. Boy Eats Girl does not disappoint in that regard. There's one scene in particular in which Jessica uses a piece of farm equipment to puree a group of attackers. It's lovely! Intestines spill, heads explode, internal organs are obliterated - in short, it's a lovely display! The dismembered pieces are a bit rubbery, but that can be easily overlooked in the name of comedy.

The essence of the film is one quarter romantic comedy, three fourths Shawn of the Dead. While the dialogue and the humor of Boy Eats Girl don't quite meet the level of the British film, it's not a total loss. For one thing, it wasn't nearly as hyped. The teenage team has the advantage of a stronger, faster Nathan who hasn't yet given in to the madness of the flesh. If you ask me, he should have eaten the class slut, but that's beside the point. The mother and son actually have a decent relationship, which is absent in most films about teenagers. The attraction between Nathan and Jessica is cute, but not particularly compelling. I was satisfied that the girl could kick ass. Plot-wise the movie was entertaining, not spectacular.

The cast is typically well-rounded; there's the slut, the bully, the dork and the stoner-types. Diggs (Murphy) and Henry (Kinlan) provide most of the comedic element. Mumba and Leon are okay actors and do quite a fair job. The worst cast member was probably Mark Huberman, who play class bully Samson. Random gang of zombies could have done a much better job of groaning and dragging their limbs. The worst they seem to do is hover about and gnash their teeth. There wouldn't have been anything wrong with a bit more horror.

So, as a discount rental or a free On Demand pick, Boy Eats Girl is a safe bet. It won't leave you in bed with the lights on and it won't have you holding your sides with laughter. On the other hand, the action and humor will hold your attention.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 3 (God, I love guys with accents!)

Alternate Recommendation: Fido
Official Site
IMDB Page
Dystopia Magazine review - Carol Sullivan is a bit more generous than I was.

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Dark Remains (2005)

Directed by: Brian Avenet-Bradley
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, trailer, behind the scenes, deleted scenes, prison featurette
Starring: Cheri Christian, Greg Thompson, Scott Hodges, Jeff Evans, Patrick G. Keenan
trailer

(Thanks go to our reader Carrie for suggesting this review!)

The loss of a child is an event that parents deal with in different ways. Although sadness is a natural response, grief can manifest itself in many forms. Some people feel anger. Some blame themselves. Some turn to a higher power. If the parents in question happen to be in a movie though, two methods of coping are almost guaranteed to surface. One of them is watching a lot of home movies (do people still make those?) and the other seems to be moving.

When the daughter of Julie and Allen Pyke is murdered, the couple decides to rent a cabin in the hills. Mr. Pyke hopes that the relocation will provide a welcome escape and a place for his wife to recover. Julie makes her living as a professional photographer, but lost interest in her camera after the incident. With a little prodding, Allen convinces her to take a look around and try a few snapshots of the area. When she stumbles upon an abandoned prison, something strange develops. Friends of the Pykes come to visit and leave in a hurry. The cabin's hillbilly caretaker tips the couple off about the prior occupants and their grim fate. When Mr. Pyke does some digging at the town library, he discovers a string of strange deaths. It's looking more and more like the couple should vacate the premisis, but Julie has decided to stay.

Dark Remains looks very much like a low-budget movie shot with a high-budget camera. The colors are crisp and vibrant. The shots are steady and focused. While not particularly creative as far as angles and technique go, the cinematography is solid and doesn't suffer from an overdone arthaus effort (like Fay Grim). I can respect that. I can also respect a special-effects guy who's handy with the latex, spirit glue and red corn syrup. His skills are more readily apparent in the special features than in the actual film (which, perhaps, is the true test). Thank goodness the filmmakers went the old-fashioned way when it came to makeup, because if this movie had any cheap CGI, I don't think I could have sat all the way through it.

Now that the few redeeming aspects of Dark Remains have been identified, I can set to work tearing this thing apart (sorry Carrie). Where do I begin? Ah yes, the - "acting". Julie Pyke, greiving mother, is played by Cheri Christian. She seems terribly familiar to me and I thought I may have seen her as Will's love interest in Good Will Hunting. Turns out that character was played by Minnie Driver (both have that powerful jawline and chipmunk cheeks). Her character suffers from a lack of committment at best. Every time Julie announces that she refuses to do something or is determined to do another, it takes mere seconds for her to change her mind. There's no serious emotion expressed by this woman, aside from an exceptionally brief and barely tearful breakdown. As it turns out, Christian shares a cast listing in several other movies with Greg Thompson, who plays Julie's husband, Allen. Thompson his hardly a better actor. His character is more of a father than a husband, constantly following Julie around and demanding to know what she's doing. He's annoying and also boring. The only actor in this movie who is reasonably watchable is Scott Hodges. He does his best with the script as the backwoods caretaker Jim. In fact, I'm not so sure that the man isn't a creepy hillbilly in reality. I don't even want to go into the few supporting actors that remain. Maybe I should take it easy on the actors though. Maybe they aren't really to blame for the terrible characters. There is, after all, the horrible script to consider.

After watching Dark Remains, I'm left with a series of questions. 1.) How does Allen find his wife at the prison, in the dark, when he's never been there before? 2.) Shouldn't it be the county's duty to chain the doors of the abandoned prison closed, not Mr. Pyke's? 3.)How does Julie find her way back into the prison without unlocking any chains? 4.)Why does the sherrif pop in for a visit, at night, only to harrass the residents, "you didn't kill your daughter, did you? I had to ask." 5.) Why does the movie otherwise completely neglect the subject of an investigation into their child's death? That could have made a better film than this did. 6.) After the prior resident shot himself, why did the cops leave the gun laying around for the next guy to find? 7.) In a horror movie, why does the actual discovery of a body happen off-screen?! 8.) What's the deal with the coffee/tea situation?

What's the scare factor in Dark Remains? Nearly nil. Admittedly, a couple of brief shots made me jump. The problem is that the few methods the filmmaker uses to try to scare the audience are the same three over and over again. One of them is to show a character in a close shot, show that person move, and have something creepy appear in the vacated spot. Another is to use reflections to show the aparitions and the third is a series of doors that move on their own.

The dialogue is so horrible in this movie, that it would almost be preferable to mute the damn thing and play some music instead. Wait, "almost"? I mean, "definitely". If I knew a good camera man and a buddy with a cabin I could borrow, even I could have done a better job than Brian Avenet-Bradley did. I guess that's what happens when the same guy writes, edits and directs the same movie. Thank god he didn't star in it. The producer/cinematographer? - I think she's his wife. Don't waste your time with Dark Remains. Even the trailer sucks. Sadly, it's still not the worst movie I've sever seen, which goes to show that I really will watch anything.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate Recommendation: Shutter
Official Site
IMDB Page
The Video Graveyard review

The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)

Directed by: Mary Harron
Format: DVD
DVD Features:
Starring: Gretchen Mol, Lili Taylor, Chris Bauer, Jared Harris

I’m always surprised when I meet someone who doesn’t know who Bettie Page was. In my mind, it’s like not knowing who Marilyn Monroe or Jim Morrison were. Bettie was a pin-up girl and fetish model during the late 1940’s and early 1950’s. She was never photographed having intercourse or in any scenes with men, so by today’s standards, she might not qualify as a “porn star”. During that era, full-frontal nudity could get a cameraman in trouble. It’s interesting to see how society has changed with regards to the human form. Bettie’s also famous for her iconic cropped bangs and black hairstyle. Featured these days on everything from notebook covers to air fresheners, even tattoos, Bettie’s image is everywhere. Her resurgence in popularity is likely one reason that Mary Harron decided to make her Notorious film.

The Notorious Bettie Page is a look at the model’s life during her career in pin-up. In this film, we’re first introduced to Bettie (Mol) as she’s waiting to be called to testify at the Kefauver Hearings (hearings in the late 50’s to determine the effects of certain materials on Juvenile Delinquency). Following that, a few short scenes allow a glimpse into Bettie’s childhood and teen years. Around the time she begins college, the picture slows down again to summarize her marriage and subsequent divorce from Billy Neal (Norman Reedus). Then, while strolling down the beach in Coney Island, she meets Jerry Tibbs (Kevin Carroll), who asks to take her photograph. From that point forward, her career takes off. In-between scenes of her posing, the movie shares her struggles with acting and with relationships. When the story circles around to the trial again, it’s near the end of Bettie’s career and the beginning of her devotion to Christianity.

Most of Harron’s movie is shot in black and white. It’s an effective technique for lending The Notorious Bettie Page the overall feeling of an era gone by. The scenes in which the director chose to use color still convey the sensation of an old postcard or a Technicolor film. All of Page’s most famous shots are re-created, including her jungle poses with the jaguars (who almost upstage her) and the Playboy Christmas card.

Mol is a fairly good doppelganger for the real model, which is an essential piece of pulling off a convincing biography. She even nails the innocence and carefree attitude that the real woman was said to have. I kept getting the feeling she was being taken advantage of and yet, she doesn’t come off as being stupid. Aside from Mol, most of the acting was mediocre. I once thought that Lily Taylor was a pretty solid actress. I’ll never forget her in The Addiction. But, after seeing her fake her way through this movie and The Haunting, I’m not so sure. She reminds me of a teenager lying to her parents – not very convincing. By contrast, the man who plays Irving Klaw (Chris Bauer), her brother in the movie, is very believable. Only two more characters, Bunny Yeager (Sarah Paulson) and John Willie (Jared Harris) were even remotely entertaining.

As is probably a danger when recreating someone’s life onscreen, this biography of Bettie Page was rather dry. As a fan, I had been curiously awaiting the film’s release. I was hoping that the icon’s memory would be honored and that the filmmakers would not take too much liberty with her tale. In that regard, I wasn’t disappointed but The Notorious Bettie Page ends up being something of a snore. It works well as a study of the shifts in society since that era, which is interesting, but it’s almost like reading a text book. If you’re curious about the woman, the pin-up style or just like to see nude models, this film might be a good bet. Anyone looking for some excitement will be sorely disappointed.

Overall Rating: 2 ½
Hottie Rating: 3

Alternate Recommendation: I Shot Andy Warhol
Official Site
IMDB Page
Creative Loafing Review

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Constantine (2005)

Director: Francis Lawrence
Format: Theater / DVD
DVD Features: trailers, added scenes, alternate ending, DVD-ROM
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Tilda Swinton, Gavin Rossdale, Shia LaBeouf,

Let it be known from here on out, that I am an Atheist. I don’t believe in God or Heaven or Hell. No, I don’t believe in Satan either, because I imagine that he was invented by the same mythic text as the rest. But, for some reason, I am still fascinated by the personification of the Devil in pop culture. I love grand cathedrals and all of the affectations surrounding faith. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I love horror films, which are often fraught with Catholic symbolism. Many of the best horror films involve priests (The Exorcist, for one), churches or the Apocalypse. So, the trailer for Constantine practically grabbed ahold of me a dragged to the theater.

Although Constantine was based on a comic book (Hellblazer), the main character is more of an anti-hero. John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) drinks a lot, smokes even more and is particularly cynical about most everything. Albeit, not without reason. See, the man has literally been to Hell and back after a botched suicide attempt. He’s been graced, or cursed, with the power to see angels, demons, and what he calls “half-breeds” and he’s become a crusader of sorts. With the aid of his friends Hennessy (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and Beeman (Max Baker) and aprentice Chas Kramer (Shia LaBeouf) travel around the city performing exorcisms and combating evil spirits.

After her sister’s death, Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) seeks out Constantine in the hope of finding answers to what she doesn’t believe was a suicide. At first, John throws the badge carrying Angela out of his apartment. But, when he realizes that she’s being hunted by the supernatural, he rushes to help her. The two of them pick up a series of clues and soon figure out that the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan, in terms of the fate of the world.

The visuals in Constantine are amazing. Hell is a smoldering, disintegrating version of the living world, populated by sincerely grotesque monstrosities. It’s so beautifully constructed that it’s hard to keep from sweating, watching the heat waves engulf entire landscapes. In the human plain, costuming is impeccable and Gabriel’s wings are worthy of an angel. His outfit near the end of the film is terrifically inventive, and just try to top Satan in his white suit. The sets are grim and gritty, full of texture. Constantine’s apartment and Beeman’s hideout are both curiously fascinating haunts.

For years and years, I have avoided films that star Keanu Reeves. I have never considered him a good actor. When The Matrix came out, I started to give the actor more of a chance. Once, I read an article about Reeves, which made the point that he’s a good actor because he’s such an empty slate. Regardless, Keanu makes a wonderful Constantine. The only other actor I would have considered for the job might be John Cusack, but he’s a little too meek to measure up. Rachel Weisz is fast becoming one of my favorite actresses. However, she’s not particularly convincing as a police officer. Granted, the plot doesn’t focus much on her career, but there’s an edge she seems to be lacking. Chas, Hennessy, and Beeman are all terrific characters, richly designed and well played. Tilda Swinton is divine as the angel Gabriel, but her demon counterpart, Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale) was disappointing. One of the best characters is Midnite, played by Djimon Hounsou. If there were to be another movie with this set of characters, I would love to learn more about him.

I don’t have anything bad to say about Constantine. It’s exciting, visually appealing, well acted, and has a great storyline. My only wish is for more of the characters and their individual stories. Some movies have the ability to astound in the theater, but can’t hold up to repeat viewing at home. Although I eventually purchased the DVD release of Constantine, I have watched it over and over again without growing tired or disinterested. This one’s a sure bet.

Overall Rating: 5
Hottie Rating: 5 (for Reeves and LaBeouf, and for Weisz's wet shirt scene)

Alternate Viewing: Night Watch
Official Site
IMDB Site
Salon.com review

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The Jacket (2005)

Director: John Maybury
Format: DVD
DVD Features: added scenes, alternate endings, trailer, featurettes
Starring: Adrien Brody, Kiera Knightly, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kris Kristofferson
Trailer

The Jacket is a film that I’ve owned for a while now. I found it on my neighborhood video store’s discount shelf. I’m always looking for horror films and anything that looks intriguing that I don’t mind paying a cheap price for. Usually, I buy a few films I’ve seen before, and end up with another one or two undiscovered films to round out my “4 for 20” purchase. Surprisingly, I haven’t been burnt often. There are a handful of actors and directors that I collect, in a way. Adrien Brody is one of those actors, but more on him in a minute.

Jack Starks (Adrien Brody) is dead…well, maybe. He barely survived a grievous head wound while serving in Desert Storm. After being released from medical a year later, he’s hitchhiking down a rural road when he comes across a woman and her little girl having car trouble. He’s just managed to fix their truck when the severely inebriated mother chases him away from the child. But, Starks leaves his dog tags with the girl Jackie (Laura Marano). A bit further down the road, a young man in a station wagon offers him a ride. The driver either has trouble with the cops, or is just plain nuts because, when they’re unexpectedly pulled over by the local PD, the man starts firing on the officer. Jack is caught in the crossfire and is unconscious with a dead cop and a recently fired weapon when the authorities find him. Since Jack’s memory is Swiss cheese, and there were no witnesses to the crime, he is sentenced to treatment at a hospital for the criminally insane.

Quite unwillingly, Jack becomes the subject of Dr. Becker’s (Kris Kristofferson) radical experiments. They involve a lot of medication, being strapped into a filthy straight jacket, and then being shoved into a morgue locker. However tortuous the “treatment” might be, it affords Jack an unexpected peek into the future. It’s during his first trip that he meets a young woman (Keira Knightly) who offers him her couch to sleep on for the night. While casually browsing her apartment, Jack happens across a pair of dog tags. When he reads the name engraved on them, he’s shocked to discover that the name is his. Starks spends the rest of his time flashing back and forth between the year 1995 and, when he’s in the jacket, 2007.

Nobody in The Jacket looks pretty. Jack is emaciated and hollow-eyed. The older version of Jackie is a binge drinking chain smoker who wears dark makeup and doesn’t seem to care about much, let alone her hair and clothing. All of the doctors at the hospital seem like they were pulled straight from the set of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. That is, except for one Dr. Lorenson (Jennifer Jason Leigh) who doesn’t look like she’s gotten a wink of sleep in years. Combined with grainy camera shots, oddly disturbing score (by Brian Eno) and a bleak, snowy landscape, The Jacket has an atmosphere of misery, which is a perfect backdrop for the storyline.

I mentioned Adrien Brody earlier. Aside from having that genuine East Coast attitude and killer good looks, the man is an amazing actor. In 2003, he became the youngest actor ever to win the Best Actor Academy Award for his role in The Pianist. He’s also got a history of taking on unconventional roles, a quality that I have always admired in great actors. So, I was gratified with his appearance in The Jacket. He truly seems tortured and yet, has everyone else’s best interests in mind. Keira Knightly is terrific as the older Jackie. She does such a magnificent job as a tragic, self destructive beauty that I wish she’d play such characters more often. Don’t forget solid performances by Krisofferson and Leigh that really round out the cast.

One problem that I’ve got with this movie is the rapid pace at which Jackie and Starks develop a romantic relationship. It almost seems as if part of the movie was cut out. One moment, she’s kicking him out of her apartment for “snooping” through her things and the next, she’s driving him around the countryside, helping him figure things out. Granted, Jack doesn’t have much time to play with in the movie, but they seem to “hook up” awful darned fast. I guess it’s that Brodie charm.

Overall Rating: 4
Hottie Rating: 5 (Knightly and Brody are both smokin')

Alternate Viewing: Summer of Sam
Official Site
IMDB Site
Planet Sick-Boy review

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Hard Candy (2005)

Director: David Slade
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailer, commentary, deleted scenes, DVD-ROM, featurettes
Starring: Ellen Page, Patrick Wilson, Sandra Oh
Trailer

My father recently asked me how I choose the movies I get in the mail. "Usually," I told him, "I look for recommendations based on the movies I’ve already rented." Sometimes, too, I will see a movie trailer that grabs my attention and I’ll put that movie on my list. In the case of Hard Candy, I happened to be walking past the television while my dad was watching Ebert and Whatshisname. They gave Hard Candy a great review. It wasn’t really the opinion of another movie critic that made my decision – I’ve said that I don’t read movie reviews much – but it was the subject matter of the movie and how they described it that peaked my interest. And to be honest, their review was a little misleading. But, I didn’t know that before my weakness for Indie films drew me in.

Hayley Stark (Ellen Page) is a 14 year old girl and she’s been chatting for several weeks with 32 year old photographer Jeff (Patrick Wilson) online. After several flirtatious advances, the two of them deicide to meet at a local café. Hayley is clearly very bright for a girl of her age and Jeff is more attractive than she expected. Despite her honor roll integrity, she’s still a bit shy and naïve. After a bit of conversation, Jeff convinces her to come back to his house to listen to some music. When they arrive, Hayley browses the photographer’s portfolio pictures displayed on the walls. She notices that they’re all photos of underage girls in provocative positions. Jeff offers her a glass of water and she responds by saying that she was taught not to drink anything she hasn’t mixed herself. She finds some vodka in his freezer and mixes them both screwdrivers.

Briefly afterwards, Jeff wakes up to find that he’s been tied to a chair. Both he and the audience begin to realize that Hayley is not the innocent child she pretended to be. It seems that she’s been planning their rendezvous for a while now, right down to the activities of his neighbors. While he watches helplessly, Hayley tears his house apart, looking for evidence of pedophilia. After an exhaustive search, she locates a hidden safe and figures out the combination. It seems that what she discovers inside confirms her suspicions and affirms her course of action. Jeff blacks out again and this time, when he comes to, he’s been tied down to a steel operating table, his pants removed and a bag of ice resting on his crotch. And now, Hayley tells him, she’s going to castrate him as punishment for his misdeeds.

The most astonishing part of Hard Candy, however, is not the castration scene. It’s Ellen Page’s phenomenal performance. However young the actress might be, she plays the role of Hayley to absolute perfection. She has command of even the most subtle facial expressions and nuance of character. I was completely amazed by this young actress and I hope to see her in many films to come. Patrick Wilson does a stand-up job as Jeff. For the majority of the movie, it’s really hard to tell if he’s actually guilty of pedophilia or innocently mistaken. It’s difficult not to feel sorry for the guy as he’s strapped down, begging for his manhood. Fans of Grey’s Anatomy will recognize Sandra Oh in her brief appearance as Jeff’s neighbor.

On the one hand, it’s great to see Hayley as an avenging angel for all of the molested children out there. On the other, it’s sometimes difficult to tell if she’s just plain psycho or not. On the one hand, if Jeff really is a sick child molesting bastard, he is well deserving of what he gets. On the other, is this poor guy just taking the rap for a crime in Hayley’s past? Hard Candy is beautifully filmed, superbly acted, and entertaining through every moment. I think it’s one of the best movies that I’ve seen all year.

Overall Rating: 5
Hottie Rating: 1/2 (situational)

Alternate Viewing: Kids
Official Site
IMDB Site
Roger Ebert review *spoilers*

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Land of the Dead (2005)

Director: George A. Romero
Format: theater / DVD
DVD Features: featurettes, music video, deleted scenes, commentary
Starring: John Leguizamo, Simon Baker, Robert Joy, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento
Trailer

Surprisingly, it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed a horror film or in fact, even watched one. So, it feels good to revisit the genre, especially since it’s one of my favorites. The reason that the venue above is listed as both theater and DVD, is that I originally visited the theater when the movie was released and then saw it more recently again on DVD. For a long time after my love affair with horror began, I continued to steer clear of zombies. I didn’t find them very exciting or frightening at all. But, two movies changed my opinion forever and now I have become a gung-ho zombie enthusiast. Those two movies were 28 Days Later and the original Night of the Living Dead. The latter was, in fact, directed by the famous George A. Romero as well and I know that this recent installment of his Dead series was much anticipated amongst his fans.

During the opening credits of Land of the Dead, snippets of news reports provide background for the current state of affairs. The living dead have taken over the majority of the land. Only one non-dead oasis remains, shielded by rivers, walls and troops. And in the middle of this motley city, full of the poor and destitute remainders of the living, stands a towering complex called Fiddler’s Green wherein the elite and well-to-do dine on fine foods and sip their single-malt scotch. A group of soldiers, headed by Riley (Simon Baker) and including Cholo (John Leguizamo), make forays outside of the city to scavenge food and supplies.

While Cholo is raiding the abandoned liquor stores for a means to profit, Riley and his sidekick Charlie (Robert Joy) notice some disturbing behavior (more so than normal) starting to show in the zombie population. As if droves of flesh-eating monsters aren’t dangerous enough, it seems that the undead are exhibiting signs of intelligence. They’re starting to communicate and organize. One zombie in particular, Big Daddy, seems to be the ringleader, showing the others how to use tools and operate machine guns. Once the mass of creatures realizes that they can cross the river, the refuge of the living is f*cked.

There’s more than one threat to the city, however. Cholo, who thought that doing favors for head honcho Kaufman (Dennis Hopper) would earn him entry into Fiddler’s Green, is very disappointed to discover that his kind isn’t welcome. In retribution, he has stolen the tank-mobile called Dead Reckoning and is threatening to blow up the tower unless he gets paid back with interest. And who does Kaufman send to go after Cholo and his expensive machine? That’s right, it’s Riley. Riley, Charlie, former prostitute Slack (Asia Argento) and an escort of Kaufman’s troops are sent out to intercept Cholo and Dead Reckoning before they blow everything to kingdom come.

It’s tempting to try and debate the ramifications of zombies forming a union. Do these new signs of intelligence indicate that there may be a path to recovery? Should zombies be given basic human rights? How can zombies evolve if they don’t reproduce? It’s times like this that I remind myself of one of my favorite phrases, “suspension of disbelief”. Sometimes it’s important to remember that scrutinizing details like these for realism, when the movie under scrutiny is about walking corpses, is kind of silly. It can be entertaining to ponder such things, but it’s not necessarily a point upon which enjoyment of the film should rest.

One of my favorite elements in any horror movie is gore. And gore seems particularly prevalent when those that each human flesh are involved. Land of the Dead has scene after lovely scene of beheading, blood gushing, and intestine chewing to enjoy. The effects crew did a fantastic job of making it all nauseatingly realistic as well. It’s almost too much to land MPAA approval and I’m mildly surprised that certain parts of this movie made it into the final cut. More shocking a revelation, however, is that Tom Savini, the Godfather of Gore, is not credited for any work on the film’s special effects, although he makes a brief cameo appearance. Two recent celebrities who also appear fleetingly in the background of Land of the Dead are Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright. It was admirable of Romero to recognize the two creators of the cult favorite Shawn of the Dead. Look for them as zombies at the photo booth.

Though Land of the Dead is entertaining and dripping with blood, I do have a couple of negatives to point out. One of them is the script. Robert Joy’s character, Charlie, is particularly irritating. That’s not because he’s slow and not because he follows Riley around like a lost puppy, but because he tirelessly repeats the same humorless catch phrases throughout the entire movie. None of the dialogue is particularly inspired and the actors seem to realize it. The best characters come from Hopper and Leguizamo. However, neither actor steps out of his boundaries or gives an unusually stellar performance. Sometimes filmmakers seem to forget that terrible acting is not necessarily a required element of horror, The Shining being a case in point.

While intelligent zombies are a new take for movies of the like, the plot in Land of the Dead is a little unfocused. The undead take a backseat, at times, to the storyline involving Cholo and Kaufman. It’s almost as if they’re just an inconvenient backdrop rather than a serious threat. Until, of course, they storm the city and wreak havoc on the citizens. The movements of Big Daddy and the rest of the undead are in and out of focus in relation to the conflicts elsewhere in the film.

I don’t mean to knock Romero and I don’t presume to tell the master of zombie films his business, even with those few drawbacks I’ve pointed out. The director remains the legendary figure he has been since 1968, his reputation intact. My overall impression of Land of the Dead was that it was a pretty decent horror movie. But, I don’t think it outshines Romero's previous filmography.

Overall Rating: 3 ½
Hottie Rating: 2 (for Argento)

Alternate viewing: 28 Days Later
Official site
IMDB site
Austin Chronicle review

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Domino (2005)

Director: Tony Scott
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailer, commentary, deleted scenes, featurette
Starring: Kiera Knightly, Mickey Rourke, Christoper Walken, Edgar Ramirez
Trailer

One of the taglines for this movie is, “Based on a true story. Sort of.” The real Domino Harvey was the daughter of actor Laurence Harvey and model Paulene Stone. She ran a nightclub in London, was a volunteer firefighter, was arrested on drug-related charges and died while Tony Scott’s film was being made. If you watch Domino clear through to the credits, you will catch a glimpse of the real woman. You might also spy her cameo in the movie Constantine. But if you notice the real Domino Harvey in either of those instances, you might notice something else….She doesn’t look a thing like Keira Knightley.

Domino the movie focuses mainly on Harvey’s career as a bounty hunter. We are introduced to her life story via her interrogation by FBI agent Taryn Miles (Lucy Liu), who is questioning her about her latest caper. Always the rebellious, weapon wielding misfit, Domino never felt suited to her life growing up in her Hollywood high-society surroundings. After college, she briefly took on the runway as a fashion model, but didn’t take to that any more fondly. Then came the day she discovered a course on bounty hunting and signed up to learn a thing or two from Ed Mosbey (Mickey Rourke). After convincing him that “bail recovery” was her true calling, she teamed up with Mosbey and his fellow agent Choco (Edgar Ramirez). Before long, the threesome attract the attention of reality show producer Mark Heiss (Christopher Walken), who wants to follow them into action. When things get messy with the mob, Ed, Domino and Choco feel the heat.

I wouldn’t classify Keira Knightly as a bad actress. However, she’s much more believeable as depressed alcoholic Jackie Price in The Jacket than she is as a gritty, thrill seeking bounty hunter. I was never quite convinced of her character in this movie, the act was just too transparent. Rourke has been playing the grizzled bounty hunter role, or something close to it, for a long time now. So, it wasn’t refreshing or different to see him in Domino. Despite the addition of Walken, Macy Gray, Tom Waits and even Jerry Springer to the cast, the film was terribly boring. Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green, formerly of the television show Beverly Hills 90210, appear as themselves and provide comic example of how whitewashed and stale Hollywood has become. It’s almost amusing, but I think that’s just because I’ve always wanted to see the two of them get beat up.

For a man with a resume that includes Top Gun, True Romance and The Hunger, I expected far more out of Tony Scott. The action is so choppy and the cuts are so random and frequent that it’s hard to tolerate at times. Because that type of technique has become the trend in action films these days, Domino comes off as neither exciting nor innovative, just annoying and trite. The diced up storyline doesn’t work magic either. From reading what little I have about the real Domino Harvey, it seems a shame that the last movie made about her life ended up being so much less entertaining than her actual exploits were.

Basically, I wouldn’t recommend buying Domino. I wouldn’t recommend renting Domino. I wouldn’t even recommend pausing in front of the DVD player if someone else was watching Domino. Unless you’re a die hard Keira Knightley fanatic (and even then it’s barely justifiable)stay well away from this boring film. Even the website sucks.

Overall Rating: 2
Hottie Rating: 3 (for sexual tension between Choco and Domino)

Alternate viewing: True Romance
Official site
IMDB site
Reel.com review

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The Ice Harvest (2005)

Director: Harold Ramis
Format: DVD
DVD Features: alternate endings, featurettes, commentary, outtakes
Starring: John Cusack, Billy Bob Thornton, Connie Nielsen
Trailer

As I looked over the description on the sleeve of The Ice Harvest, my heart sank a little when I read the words “…Harold Ramis’s outlandish holiday thriller.” Outlandish can be alright sometimes. Thriller is usually a good bet. But, holiday?! You see, I’m not fond of holiday movies at all, not when “holiday” means Christmas. Seeing as how I’m not fond of Christmas, unless there’s mass murder involved, I don’t appreciate the holiday interfering with my movie enjoyment. Naturally, there are a few exceptions. A Christmas Story is rather amusing, especially because it’s so dysfunctional.

The Ice Harvest takes place in Wichita Falls, Kansas. It’s wintertime (hence the word "ice" in the title). Charlie (John Cusack) is a mob lawyer who has a plan, but not the guts to follow it through. Vic (Billy Bob Thornton) is his partner, who has the guts but not the brains. After sneaking away from Charlie’s boss with two million bucks, the two of them plan to spend the night in town, acting casual, and then fly out nice and easy the next day. But, one night turns out to hold a lot of surprises. And by the end of that same night, Charlie proves to have more guts and Vic proves to have more brains than anyone thought.

As is characteristic of his recent persona, John Cusack plays the role of Charlie with a mostly calm and collected sort of cynicism. Although he is a bit of a nervous character at times, he holds steady through this caper. His lack of panic during the most stressful of situations is pretty much the only outstanding trait Charlie has. Billy Bob Thornton plays a creepy, suspicious character much better than he has ever played a fine, upstanding citizen. I think it’s his shifty eyes that give him away. One of the most simple, but enjoyable characters in The Ice Harvest is Renata, played by Connie Nielsen. She is the sultry club owner and target of Charlie’s affection. Or, rather, lust. She got a smooth, deep voice, bright red lipstick, a killer figure, and the word “danger” written all over her. Renata may have been more at home in a Bogart murder mystery. Nielsen practically steals the show from Cusack and Thornton.

It is difficult for me to decide on who I think must hate Kansas more – the people who live there or the people who wisely stay away. The entire landscape is bleak, rainy, and frigid. Only the indoor scenes hold any warmth or interesting décor. All of the main characters in the film hold a strong desire to escape Wichita Falls. Even though Charlie and Vic are looking to run from the man they robbed, the whole reason for grabbing the cash in the first place is to leave town. If it hadn’t been a hundred degrees outside, I may have welcomed the warmth of the indoor scenes. Practically every room held something warm, from lighted holiday figurines, to windows draped in red. The inside of Charlie’s former home, now that of his friend Pete, was decorated in steel and blue glow and even that seemed toasty in comparison to the weather outside.


The word “Christmas” in this movie’s description turned out to be a non-concern. Amidst the lighted trees and reindeer, so much foul spirited activity abounds it is easy to forget that the holiday is looming. So, I was relieved of that at least. But even despite the good work of the actors involved, The Ice Harvest lacked any real hook. I didn’t find myself routing for the hero (or anti-hero) or tense during any of the action. I basically didn’t care and I wasn’t so concerned about how the whole thing would turn out. It was truly as mediocre as the Kansas landscape.

Overall Rating: 2
Hottie Rating: 3 (Renata smokes up the screen)

Alternate Viewing: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Official Site
IMDB Site
Boston.com review

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Lord of War (2005)

Director: Andrew Niccol
Format: DVD
DVD Features: making of, documentary, deleted scenes, commentaries
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jared Leto, Ethan Hawke, Bridget Moynahan
Trailer

This is the third movie in a row that I’ve seen starring Nicolas Cage. The two movies that I have to compare Lord of War to are Wild At Heart and The Weather Man. Wild At Heart was shot in 1990, 15 years before The Weather Man and Lord of War were released. So, do I prefer the young Cage or the more modern, more cynical Cage? I don’t know that I’m quite ready to end my Cage-fest just yet, although it seems to have been postponed, according to the random fate dealt to me via my Netflix queue. I long to re-experience the classic Raising Arizona and the fuzzy recollection of 8MM. Looking at his filmography, it’s astonishing how prolific Cage is as an actor, sometimes doing 4 movies in a year. It looks like I’ll have plenty of ammunition for my next Cage-O-Rama.

In Lord of War, Nicolas Cage plays Ukrainian immigrant Yuri Orlov (although that’s just the first in a string of aliases). Dissatisfied with his lower class surroundings, he discovers that his calling in life is illegal arms dealing. He asks his brother Vitaly (Jared Leto) to partner with him and the two begin supplying weapons to the neighborhood gangsters. Before too long, he’s dealing weapons to top ranking military officials and bringing in a hefty profit. Orlov finally attracts the attention of model Ava Fontaine (Bridget Moynahan) and the two of them have a son. He’s also attracts the attention of ATF agent Jack Valentine (Ethan Hawke) who is intent on making sure Yuri won’t enjoy a comfortable life.

In both Lord of War and The Weather Man, the story is narrated by the main character. I didn’t feel it was a necessary feature in either. In fact, it seemed like the screenwriter’s way of cheating. The narration is a bit spotty in both films; a little heavier in the beginning, and fairly infrequent during the rest of the story. However, it seemed to me that a better film would cut out the narration and use other techniques to move the tale along during those lulls in action. The subject matter involved is so much more exciting in Lord of War. Yuri is involved with an insane dictator, a drunken Soviet official and truck loads of ammunition. He’s got to stay on top of the world politics that signal who’s about to go to war and who’s got army surplus to unload. All the while, he keeps his profession a secret from his family. There is some attempt at bringing morality into the picture. Is he just a necessary evil or is he the reason people are killing each other? Lord of War doesn’t attempt to do much more than raise the question though and delves no deeper into the issue. Vitaly Orlov, his brother, is primarily a character in the film to provide juxtaposition for Yuri (oh, AND for eye candy). Even though he is a hopeless drug addict, he has a stronger conscience than his brother. It’s not all about the money with Vitaly. Actually, it’s not all about the money with Yuri either. He does it because he’s good at it.

I really did like Cage in his role as Lord of War. It was a fitting position for his wry humor and cool under pressure personality. It feels good to see him succeed despite his questionable occupation. However, the morality of his acts doesn’t seem to sink in at all. He has conveniently settled on an excuse for himself as only a facilitator of an eventuality. Even when he tries to fly straight at the request of his wife, there’s no fire in his attitude. And that’s a credit to Cage’s acting. I wasn’t terribly fond of his wife, Ava. She wasn’t much of a character in the film until near the ending. All the while, she enjoys the fruits of Yuri’s labor, never questioning how he provides her with luxury. Then, when she discovers the truth of her husbands extended business trips, she suddenly becomes a pillar of morality. Shallow to say the least.

From what I’ve read about the film, many aspects were authentic. Most of the arsenal being traded is the real thing. That supply of Soviet tanks are all actually sitting there, even waiting to be shipped off to a battle. There were actual arms dealers consulted in making the movie. Lord of War was supposedly based on true events and I wouldn’t really doubt it. After all, doesn’t it seem logical that there are men facilitating the sale and purchase of helicopters, rocket launchers and missles from country to country? In cinema, it always seems that what we should be worried about are computer switches for nuclear arms and stolen warheads. At one point in Lord of War, the point is made that nuclear warheads are hardly ever used in war, that it’s the M-16 and the AK47 that do the dirty work.

On the surface, Lord of War was an enjoyable movie. As long as you don’t look to the film for any deep, moral content, it’s good. The acting was about average. There are some nerve-wracking sceens and in general, the audience can root for the bad guy. It was certainly better than the mundane depression of The Weather Man, but not nearly as disturbing as Wild At Heart. To answer the question I posed earlier; the young Nicolas Cage or the current Nicolas Cage? I think I’ll go for the Raizing Arizona version. He’s so much more random and fun.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 5 (love that Leto!)

Alternate Viewing: The Good Shepard
Official Site
IMDB Site
Roger Ebert’s review

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The Weather Man (2005)

Director: Gore Verbinski
Format: DVD
DVD Features: trailer, featurettes
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine, Hope Davis
Trailer

The latest batch of movies in my mailbox have all starred Nicolas Cage. Which means, several months ago, when I made my selection online, I must have felt that my movie watching menu could use a little dash of Cage. Although I don’t recall now what led me to that conclusion, I find that I’m enjoying the experience of having a Cage-Fest. What’s nice about viewing a series of movies headlined by the same actor, is that it’s easy to compare how an actor performs in certain roles, as opposed to others, and notice their progression in style at varying time periods.

In The Weather Man, Cage plays a middle-aged local weatherman. He is separated from his wife and struggling in relationships with his two children. He constantly feels that his ailing father (Michael Caine) disapproves of him; his career, his attempts at fatherhood, and the fact that he never has more than a dollar in his wallet. It doesn’t help that the general public takes delight in hitting him with fast food. Throughout the film, the viewer is given insight to David’s (Cage) thoughts via first person narration.

I found the vast majority of the film to be very depressing. Here’s our hero, David, trying his best to hold things together, and failing at every turn despite his best intentions. His failure is not set in a comical light, aside from the food throwing, but rather an all-to-realistic one. Some might feel that the realism of the picture is a credit to the filmmakers. However, for me it was a gloomy reminder of the mundane life most of us likely experience and would like to get away from. I suppose that I look to movies for an escape of sorts, and The Weather Man did not provide that for me. But, ironically, it’s the realism of the ending that I liked. All of David’s plans do not come together in a sugary Disneyland conclusion, but rather, it’s culminated in an inner realization that leads to David’s satisfaction with his circumstances.

Nicolas Cage performs well in an underdog role. I think that one of his best aspects is that the audience can sympathize with him and really feels a lift when his characters win. His casting in “bad ass” roles, like Ghost Rider and Wild At Heart are a testament to that. Michael Caine is always Michael Caine. His bread and butter is the stoic wisdom he so easily conveys, and it is rare to see him step outside that mold. Noreen (Hope Davis) is the quintessential ex-wife. (Although she’s a little bit more friendly than Kathleen Turner in The War of The Roses.) Their two children, Shelly and Mike are realistically remote and apathetic. The acting all around was solid and it wasn’t at all a negative aspect of the film.

Most of the movie takes place in Chicago during the winter, which makes everything all the more depressing. However, there are some wonderful shots of the ice and rain. Appropriate, of course, for a movie about a man who predicts the weather. Almost all of the scenes are cityscapes full of taxicabs and highrises. The movies takes place in the current time period, so it’s hard to get too creative with costume and wardrobe design. I will say that the change in Shelly’s dress was a vast improvement. In that regard, I think that the wardrobe was clever. Everyone else’s clothing realistically reflects the suit and tie world of the upper middle class city dweller; mostly greys and blacks and not much flare or attitude.

I think that The Weather Man could have used a bit of comedy here and there to lighten the tone. The movie would have been just as effective in getting the point across, but wouldn’t have been such a bummer to watch. Even the ending is hardly uplifting enough to make the previous 101 minutes worth sitting through. A horrible tragedy would have even given a refreshing change to the tone of the film. But, even when David loses his father, it’s hard to feel much of an emotional reaction. So, if you’re looking for an uplifting tale, The Weather Man is not the movie for you.

Overall Rating: 1 ½
Hottie Rating: 0 (bummer)

Alternate Viewing: Little Children
Official Site
IMDB Site
Frank’s Reel Reviews review

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Creep (2005)

Director: Christopher Smith
Format: DVD
DVD Features: alternate beginning and ending, making of, operation scene
Starring: Franka Potente, Vas Blackwood, Paul Rattray
Trailer

What elements do I find in foreign horror films that make them more frightening than their American counterparts? It’s not a language barrier, because British and Australian horror films have the same effect on me. Maybe it’s the fact that the surroundings are similar, but just a touch different. Is it the minor differences that make me feel less secure and therefore more easily startled when something jumps out of the shadows? Whatever it may be, it’s true for most foreign horror – except those from Japan. While I’ve seen some very disturbing horror films from Japan, they weren’t really scary in the same sense. But, I digress…

Creep was made in the UK. Since it takes place in The Underground, that fact should become apparent immediately. Kate (Franka Potente) misses the last train out of the station one night and finds herself locked in the subway. She soon discovers that the railway is home to more than just homeless junkies and that lecherous men are the least of her problems. With the help of Jimmy (Paul Rattray), one of the subterranean residents and George (Vas Blackwood), an ex-con sewer worker, she tries to stay alive through the night. Rats, raw sewage, and an abandoned medical facility don’t make her struggle any simpler.

As I mentioned earlier in this review, the fact that the movie has that special foreign flavor gave it more of an edge in the terror department. The dark passages of the London Underground were an excellent setting for this type of film. It was actually filmed in unused portions of The Underground, which makes the film that much more realistic. In the opening scenes of Creep, two sewage workers are trudging through slime and entrails, their cockney slang echoing off the walls. The older man is describing how the odors vary from district to district.

There’s only one monster in the movie (although Guy is one in a different sense), but he’s just as grotesque and twisted on the inside as he is on the outside. The director, in his commentary on the DVD, said that he wanted the audience to feel a degree of sympathy for the antagonist. However, I didn’t see any reason to pity him, especially after the “operation” scene. (Trust me; you don’t want to play doctor with this guy.) I did find it eerie when it becomes clear that the creature does have some intelligence, even though that scene isn’t particularly scary.

Although I usually enjoy Franka Potente’s acting, I don’t think she gave her best performance in this movie. There’s no point at which she seems really terrified, just frustrated and inconvenienced. However, no single member of the cast in Creep stood out as being particularly awful or spectacular. When that’s the case in movies, I imagine that it’s a fault in the directing or the script, rather than the cast members. There are a few aspects of the plot that seem unnecessary or not properly supported.

Overall Rating: 2 1/2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0

Alternate viewing: Resident Evil
Official site
IMDB site
Rotten Tomatoes review

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The Descent (2005)

Director: Neil Marshall
Format: DVD
DVD Features: commentary, outtakes, stills, bios, interview, featurette
Starring: Saskia Mulder, Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, Alex Reid
Trailer

I seem to be getting all of my movie recommendations lately from the same pair of friends. The Descent was no exception. Knowing that my tastes lean toward horror, they immediately suggested that I add this movie to my list. The two of them were quite fond of it, but I didn’t get much more information than that. I suppose that not everyone is willing to spend hours upon hours trying to form their opinions about movies into coherent paragraphs. Go figure.

Fold together one part drama, one part horror, and a dash of confusion and you’ve got The Descent. It reminded me of the way From Dusk ‘Till Dawn was half Reservoir Dogs and half John Carpenter’s Vampires (or Dracula 2000). The story centers around a group of female friends who have formed an informal extreme adventure club. On this particular trip, their leader, Juno (Natalie Mendoza) decides that the group will go spelunking in an undiscovered cavern. While they may be prepared for rock climbing and cramped passageways, they certainly aren’t expecting to be attacked by Homo-Microchiroptera. I feel I should warn that anyone with claustrophobia might have serious issues with this movie. I’m not particularly claustrophobic, but I found it difficult to breathe during the more intense scenes.

The first part of the film almost could have been made into a full length feature of its own. Much more focus is given to character development than is common for the genre. I found that the back story about Rebecca’s (Saskia Mulder) family was awkward and unnecessary and that the film would have been better off without it. It seemed like something the writers decided on as an afterthought and then tried to work into the plot after most of the movie had been shot.

By the time the monsters begin to appear, you may have forgotten that The Descent is a horror film. I wasn’t terribly frightened by the beasts in the caves. I don’t even see that they had any teeth, but they must have for all the biting they did. Most of the attack sequences were filmed with a sort of strobe light effect, making it very difficult to make out the action. I assume that the director used this technique, thinking that it would be more frightening for the audience to only see bits and pieces of the action. However, I feel it’s more akin to typical American action films in that the focus is too close in on the actors and the confusion doesn’t result in terror, but rather…well…confusion.

To sum up, I think that the first half of the movie would be excellent if followed through to a full length feature. The second part isn’t very frightening and the subplot felt tacked on. I certainly recommend the rental, but The Descent isn’t going to make it to my “to buy” list unless I can find it in the $5.00 bin.

Overall Rating: 3 ½
Hottie Rating: 4 (lots of athletic young women, sweating)

Alternate viewing: The Blair Witch Project
Official site
IMDB site
Rotten Tomatoes review

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Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Director: Ang Lee
Format: DVD
DVD Features: featurettes, interviews
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Randy Quaid
Trailer

I don't think I'd realized, prior to this review, that Brokeback Mountain was directed by Ang Lee. He has a terrific reputation (Hulk aside) in his field and in his home country. I remember The Ice Storm getting acclaim left and right. The initial draw for myself and for many of my friends was to see two hot actors (Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal) make out. But I don't think that, had this been just another fetish flick, it would have been so popular with such a large audience. It's not a "gay cowboy" movie, it's a love story.

Two young men find work minding a herd of sheep up on Brokeback Mountain. Ennis, played by Heath Ledger, is the quiet type. He doesn't say much and doesn't cause much trouble. Jack, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, finds work in the rodeo on occasion and has no trouble chatting it up. While the two are isolated in the Montana wilderness, they form a relationship. It's not sappy or flamboyant. In fact, it seemed kind of sudden to me. There are no long, drawn out sex scenes. The two men initially deny that they've got any sort of persuasion toward the masculine sex.

After the job is over, the two go their separate ways and form their own families. They get married, have children, and new jobs. One day, a postcard from Jack comes to Ennis in the mail and the two men, who hadn't seen each other in four years, have a passionate reunion. Their "fishing trips" become a regular engagement. Jack expresses his wish that the two men find a place where they can live together and enjoy their love without sneaking around. Ennis, although he doesn't express his emotions readily, wants the same thing. However, he fears that if their relationship were exposed, both of their lives would be in danger. So, they go on in a somewhat tortured way until the end.

Don't look to Brokeback Mountain for a happy ending. I mean, it does turn out all right, I suppose, but it's really sad. I'm not the kind of girl who cries easily and the movies that have made me tear up are few and far between. However, by the end of this movie, I was bawling. I think that the focus of the film is more on Ennis than on Jack. Ennis does seem to learn something through his experiences by the end and the audience learns something too. Even though he is a man of few words, Ledger goes a great job expressing his character's feelings in other ways.

I have never been homophobic at all. But, there are aspects to a male/male relationship that I hadn't considered prior to watching this movie. I suppose that I'd mainly considered the situation from a sexual standpoint. It hadn't, somehow, occurred to me that the men in these relationships are capable of love and feelings. I hadn't thought about just how difficult it could be to be in love with someone and not have the same freedom to express it as male/female couples often do. As a female, it's become trendy in certain circles, to be interested in making out with another girl. It's much more accepted (in my experience) than same sex male affection. As a woman who's been knocked around by a few bad relationships, I seem to have forgotten that men are capable of emotion. Silly, I suppose, but true.

If you're uncomfortable with your sexuality enough to be homophobic, I don't think you'll be watching Brokeback Mountain anyway, which is a shame. If you're a lady, hoping for some hot guy on guy romance, you may be disappointed. Don't get me wrong - what there is of it is definitely hot, but that's not the best reason to see the film. If you're in the mood for a heartbreaking love story, that moves at a leisurely pace, Brokeback Mountain is right on target. I will not be surprised to see this movie win an Academy.

Overall Rating: 4
Hottie Rating: 5 (oh come on!)

Alternate Choice: Chasing Amy
Official site
IMDB site
Rotten Tomatoes review

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Derailed (2005)

Director: Mikael Håfström
Format: DVD
DVD Features: deleted scenes, trailers
Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Clive Owen, Rza, Xzibit
Trailer

Someone recommended this movie to me. I don’t remember who did, but they assured me that the inclusion of Jennifer Aniston in the cast wouldn’t be an issue for me. She’s one of the actors I tend to avoid. However, in this case, my friend was right. Something I didn’t hear about in advance was two other famous members of the cast. Fans of Hip-Hop will recognize Rza and Xzibit on screen. Rza, at least, has had his hand in the movie business for a while now. He was in Jim Jarmusch’s Coffee and Cigarettes as well as contributing the musical score for Ghost Dog from the same director. I dig RZA. It’s fun to see him in movies because he has a lot of personality and quite a way with words. Xzibit though, doesn’t have much more than a token role in Derailed. So, if he does posses any acting abilities, it isn’t readily apparent in this film. I have been on a Clive Owen kick for some time now. I’ll spare you the list of his films that I’ve been through. But, let me say that I’ve only been disappointed once.

Plotwise, Derailed is fairly predictable in places. The “twist” near the end was as obvious as an oncoming train and I don’t think it took more than 15 minutes for me to smell a rat. Then, we have the equally blinding moral lesson that underscores the storyline. Regardless of those two factors, the movie manages a few surprises in places. Although the film’s destination might be expected, the journey is sometimes more important.

Bypassing as many spoilers as possible, the basic plot breaks down like this. Charles Schine (Owen) is an advertising executive struggling under the dual pressures of his home life and his career. When he meets an attractive woman on the train (Aniston), he welcomes the exciting departure of a possible affair. At the moment the couple decides to consummate their infidelity, a mugger surprises them in their hotel room. Fearing the effects that disclosing the event to the police would have on her family life, the woman refuses to file an official report with the authorities. Soon afterward, the mugger contacts Schine with blackmail demands and ever more increasing threats.

All in all, the film moves at a satisfying pace, without many diversions along the way. There’s a final little twist that I hadn’t expected, but all of the loose ends wrap up into a bit too tidy of a package for my taste. Derailed is clever after all and I enjoyed the ride. I do recommend the rental. There are even some juicy moments to arouse, if only briefly, my lust for Mr. Owen. But, Derailed won’t make in onto my “to buy list”, if only for the fact that it’s even harder to surprise me the second time around.

Overall Rating: 3
Hottie Rating: 4 (Owen is such a stud!)

Alternate Viewing: Lucky Number Sleven
Official Site
IMDB Site
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The Ring Two (2005)

Director: Hideo Nakata
Format: DVD
DVD Features: standard audio and subtitle options
Starring: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman
Trailer

The Ring series is continued here in the U.S. by the director of both of the Japanese films (Ringu, Ringu 2). Although the first Ring movie stateside was directed by Gore Verbinski, it mirrored Ringu almost exactly. The Ring holds a special place in my heart (long story) and I was hoping that its sequel would be as creepy and intriguing as the first. The Ring Two is not a movie to walk into without having seen its predecessor, because there is no rehashing of the old storyline, no flashback scenes (except for a few clips from the deadly video), and picks up very nearly where it left off. The plot also relies heavily on references from the prequel.

Since we last left Rachel (Naomi Watts) and Aiden (David Dorfman), they have moved to a new town, a new job, and a new group of potential victims. Rachel has found work with the local newspaper and learns of a mysterious death in the neighborhood. After some minimal investigation, she finds the unmarked video tape and discovers that Samara is back to haunt her and her son. As with the last movie, Rachel has to follow clues to discover what the ghoulish undead girl wants. The Ring Two could have easily been just another string of victims with VCRs. Instead, it focuses more on Aiden’s character and Samara’s attempts to steal Rachel away from him. In that regard, it was nice to see a change. However, toward the middle of the film, the plot seems to lose some focus. Aiden is in the hospital and Rachel isn’t allowed to visit him because the authorities feel that he may be a victim of child abuse. She doesn’t seem more than momentarily upset by this and runs off to look for Samara’s original mother. When she finds the woman, the scene is anti-climactic. The Ring Two lacks the cohesion that the first movie had and doesn’t feature any spine-tingling moments that weren’t already spoiled by the trailer.

Plot: 2 stars

I always appreciate it when the sequel to a movie retains its original stars. Watts and Dorfman maintain their respective roles, Samara isn’t the same girl, but it’s not easy to tell and everyone else from the first movie didn’t make it to the sequel. Not being a big fan of child actors to begin with, I was especially tormented by David Dorfman. My enjoyment of the movie was hindered by a constant burning desire to slap him senseless or ring his neck (smart-ass little brat).

Cast: 3 stars

I don’t know that I’d say this movie has any action, per se. Most of the scary parts come when they’re expected, or are already spoiled by the trailer. The final confrontation between Rachel and Samara is what you might call “tense” and a bit creepy, but not really action.

Action: 2 stars

The bathtub scene, which is one that the trailer spoils, is perhaps the most visually complex effect in the film. The majority of the movie has a washed-out blue-grey tint and nothing really seems to stand out. At the same time, it works to set the gloomy atmosphere. A few shots of Samara are kind of cheesy looking, and I think that the filmmakers should have either put more effort into them, or left them out altogether.

Visual: 2 stars

I thought the tag line, “Fear Comes Full Circle” was clever, if a little corny. Once again, no memorable dialogue. There was a bit about Aiden addressing his mother as “Rachel”, rather than “Mommy”, but I couldn’t recap that situation without spoiling something.

Dialogue: 1 star

I was terribly disappointed with The Ring Two. Perhaps it is the change of directors that makes the difference, or maybe it’s that the plot isn’t so elastic as to fill two movies without becoming limp. It could have also been the lack of convincing makeup and effects, which didn’t induce the fear that the first one did. I added this one to my personal library, but only because it was on sale for $5.00. At least this video won’t kill you in seven days.

Alternate viewing choice: The Ring
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A Sound of Thunder (2005)

Director: Peter Hyams
Format: DVD
DVD Features:
Starring: Ben Kingsley, Edward Burns, Catherine McCormack
Trailer

When I think of my favorite genres of film, “Sci-Fi” isn’t often one that comes to mind. There are just too many, especially with the rise of CGI, that are poorly constructed and even more pathetically acted. I read sci-fi novels and enjoy them, but their movie counterparts are almost always a disaster. So, when Dad asked me to go to the movie store and pick up something “science fiction”, I cringed and prayed for any new release that was remotely tolerable. We’ve all already seen War of the Worlds (both versions), so I knew that wasn’t going to fly. During my last sweep of the shelves, however, I came across A Sound of Thunder.

The main theme of A Sound of Thunder is the basic “butterfly effect” scenario. One of the cardinal rules of time travel is never to change even the smallest detail in the past. If even a butterfly is harmed, the future may be affected exponentially. In the year twentysomethingorother, Charles Hatton (Kingsley) has turned the invention of time travel technology into a lucrative business. For an exurbanite fee, the adventurous and social elite can spend a moment hunting game in the prehistoric past. Because the ancient beasts are moments before the point of a natural death (unbeknownst to the paying hunters) the past isn’t affected. That’s only as long as the hunting party remains on the path and doesn’t leave anything behind or take anything home. Inevitably, something has to go wrong. After a failed hunting trip, the team of scientists at TimeCorp (or whatever it was called) start to notice that their timing is off. That’s before the waves of evolutionary change begin to hit. The leading man, Travis Ryer (Burns) seeks the help of scientist Sonia Rand (McCormack) to figure out how to beat the clock and fix the past before it’s too late for the human race. Yes, it’s a plot line that film makers never seem to tire of. The time ripples are an interesting twist, showing progressively the impacts of their altered past and giving the characters something to race against.

The only actor in A Sound of Thunder that I recognized was Ben Kingsley. He’s a veteran of the semi-indie circuit, seen in such films as Species, Lucky Number Slevin, and House of Sand and Fog. He’s a fair actor, but I don’t see him starring in any Hollywood blockbusters. Edward Burns isn’t bad either and I can see him moving up to a Matthew McConaughey type of role. With the exception of those two, the acting was on par with a Sci-Fi Channel made for TV movie.

There is plenty of action to behold in A Sound of Thunder. Most of it consists of running and shooting. It’s the kind of action one might find in Jurassic Park. The waves of time catching up didn’t seem as regular as Sonia Rand would have you believe, but then again, we’re talking about time distortion here. It actually gets the pulse pounding in a couple of scenes (namely the subway sequence).

At the beginning of the movie, there is a horribly awful blue-screen effect that made my hopes sag for what was to follow. One viewer even remarks (on IMBD) that the background in this scene is on a loop. Eeesh. I don’t know how you can get much worse than that. But the dino-critters are not bad CGI and the overgrown city was almost convincing. I really thought that the subway scene was fun.

How did I manage to rent two movies in a row that have titles completely unfit for their content? A Sound of Thunder? C’mon people! My favorite line from the movie is, “What’s the point of having money if you can’t spend it on things other people can’t afford?”

Unless you’re keen on The Sci-Fi Channel, I don’t recommend this film at all. Granted, it wasn’t as horrible as Catwoman or the American version of Godzilla, but I could have gone the rest of my life without watching this one. Think Evolution meets The Butterfly Effect.

Overall Rating: 2 stars
Hottie Rating: 0 stars

Alternate viewing choice: The Butterfly Effect
IMDB site
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Rotten Tomatoes Review

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