Rawhead Rex (1986)

Director: George Pavlou
Venue: Online
Starring: David Dukes, Kelly Piper, Heinrich von Schellendorf, Niall Toibin

The 1980’s produced a number of good movies. The Breakfast Club with Emilio Estevez and Molly Ringwald was one of my favorites. Back to The Future with Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd was an instant classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off tops my list of best 80’s movies. It’s true that not everything created in the 80’s was a good thing. If you’re as old as I am, you’ll remember the wall-o-bangs hairstyles, legwarmers and baby boomers. Yet, certain things born in this era should stay buried in the past. In fact, some movies are so bad, so criminally awful, so devoid of any redeeming quality, that every last copy should be hunted down and tossed into the flaming pyre of shame, along with their creators.

Rawhide Rex does indeed have a plot. Granted, it’s pathetically contrived and about as weak as a 2 day old puppy, but it’s a plot nonetheless. The story takes place somewhere in Ireland, in a rural village. When a local farmer uproots an ancient monolith, the legendary demon, Rawhead Rex is released and begins to terrorize the township. Howard Hallenbeck (Dukes) and his family have arrived just in time for the massacre. Hallenbeck has been carting his family around the countryside, photographing small churches and attempting to uncover their Pagan roots. Luckily for the rest of the population, his photos hold the key to stopping the demon.

As you may have guessed, the prominent character in Rawhide Rex is, in fact, Rawhide Rex himself. With that in mind, it’s reasonable to expect a little bit of effort to go into the costume. However, a gorilla suit, a dime-store Halloween mask, and a few castoffs from the Mad Max wardrobe room don’t quite scream, “resurrected demon from Hell” to me. Rex is basically Heinrich von Schellendorf running around in a cheap costume yelling, “Rawr!”. His little devotee is father Declan O’Brien (Ronan Wilmot), who becomes so after touching a mysterious hot spot on a table in the church (I kid you not). In a WTF moment toward the climax of the movie, Rex unexpectedly “shoots his load” all over the priest. I suppose that’s what he gets for dropping the F-bomb about 20 times in a row inside a church.

The protagonist in the picture isn’t much more entertaining and his family pretty much deserves to be torn to shreds by Rawhead Rex. His wife Elaine can’t seem to find anything to wear except her nightgown and takes absolutely no interest in parenting her two kids. Little Robbie Hallenbeck (Hugh O’Conor) is a mouthy brat who keeps his nose in his comic books and smarts off to his parents constantly. The little girl’s name is Minty. Who names their child Minty? Other than constantly whining, she’s a typical tyke. Hardly any of the rest of the characters in this movie are worth mentioning, except that they’re a mob of Irish stereotypes – ignorant and drunk.

Watching Rawhide Rex, one almost expects to see three little silhouettes in the bottom corner, cracking wise about the movie. However, if you find yourself watching this monstrosity, it won’t be hard to make up your own clever quips. That might be the only way to survive the 89 minutes of your life flushing rapidly down the drain. There’s absolutely nothing in this movie worth taking seriously and it’s even too bad to have that camp appeal which might otherwise make it bearable. No wonder I was never a Clive Barker fan. Heed my warning and avoid at all costs.

Overall Rating: 0
Hottie Rating: 0

Alternate viewing: Hellraiser
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